posted
Snake strike! The mottled brown serpent head, wicked fangs extending from a milky white mouth, stopped its lunge just short of Del’s Blue-Lipped Dragon leather boot. As the muscular viper recoiled to thrust again, Del flung his tall, lean frame backward out of the golden-green fronds where he had just knelt. The mushy soil bordering the tropical waterway softened his landing but not enough to prevent an “umph!” when he landed on his backside in the wet muck of the stream’s muddy bank. The noise caused several large yellow and green parakeets to bob and crane their heads to see the sudden disturbance.
Posts: 70 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
I am new at this, but there are a few things that had me wondering. "Blue-Lipped Dragon leather boot." Why the capitals? I admit that English isn't my first language, so I might miss something here. If so, please tell me what so have I learned something today There is something about the pov that is nagging me but I can't quite put my finger on it. Hmm. You have written this as we would see it in a movie. Well, almost anyway. I would suggest letting us know what Del is thinking/feeling. As it is, I found myself wondering why he noticed the parakeets while being attacked by a snake. Hope this helps Posts: 25 | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
I like the setting. I guess the dragon shoe reference is the main hook (assuming you're referring to a mythical dragon rather than a species of lizard). My main suggestion would be to look at the quantity of adjectives in the opening 13. It reads a bit heavy with nearly every noun having a one or two of adjectives. I'd suggest deferring some of the description for later in the story.
For example: wet muck of the stream’s muddy bank. Muck is always wet and if the muck is on the bank, then "muddy" is redundant. The soil was also described as "mushy."
Other candidates: sudden disturbance. The snake strike established that it was sudden. flung his tall, lean frame -> flung himself. Golden-green fronds: they're usually green.
One other nit: the serpent head per se doesn't stop its lunge, so the first sentence seems odd. The lunge ends or the snake stops its lunge.
"Del's Blue-Lipped Dragon leather boot" actually sounded, to me, like one of two things: either it was a brand name for his designer boots, or his boots have lips. I had to stop and parse the sentence to get those ideas out of my head.
If he flung himself backwards, surely he was trying to get away from the snake? And yet, if he was kneeling, his boots were behind him, so he must have been throwing himself AT the snake. Something doesn't fit here. Maybe he's alien, and his knees bend backwards? That would be quite interesting, if true (which seems unlikely), but you'd want to make it clear.
I think Rake's comment on POV and WouldBe's on "flung his tall, lean, frame" fit together. He would NOT think of throwing himself backward in those terms, so IF WE'RE IN HIS POV you simply can't use that phraseology. If you really want to use either cinematic or omniscient POV, you're free to do so, of course; but make sure you KNOW that you're doing it and have good reasons for it (of which there are few).
Oh, and I'd drop "Snake strike!" It's a bit melodramatic, and doesn't tell us anything that we don't learn in the next sentence anyway.
posted
This interests me, but I have the same problems as the others. Too many modifiers. Adjectives are useful but using too many will rob your narrative of vigor. Other nits: Was the dragon who provided the leather 'Blue-lipped' or are the boots? Are the boots crucial to the story or was their importance merely overstated by the capitals? Was he in the fronds or among them? Careful with your wording. I got the feeling that this was meant to be a little humorous in the end as we see him on his ass in mud, so I didn't have a problem with him noticing the birds looking at him. If that was your intent maybe play it up for a broader laugh. If it was not your intent make some changes.
(parakeet is a term for any one of a large number of unrelated small to medium sized parrot species)wiki-- no large parakeets of any colour
A (wee bit)leaner take
Snake strike! The mottled head of the brown serpent , wicked fangs extending from its milky mouth, stopped just short of Del’s Dragon leather boot. As the viper recoiled to thrust again, Del flung himself backward out from among the plant fronds where he had knelt. The soil bordering the tropical waterway softened his landing but not enough to prevent an “umph!” when he landed on his backside in the muck of the stream’s bank. The noise caused several yellow and green parakeets to bob and crane their heads to see the disturbance.
quote:It reads a bit heavy with nearly every noun having a one or two of adjectives.
I agree. Also, I'm not sure how I feel about the first setence. "Snake strike." It just seems off. Like a comic book or something. Overall, though, you present a pretty interesting beginning. It has a hook, at least until Del wards off the snake, then something more should come quickly.
posted
With much trepidation, what do you think of this? Does it work? ---------
Del crab-legged backwards, his feet slipping on the wet ground, as the aggressive snake slithered toward him. It was almost miraculous that the serpent missed on the first attack, but Del knew that he might not be so lucky a second time. He struggled to regain his footing in the slippery ooze and instinctively raised a boot toward the viper. The tough dragon skin might provide some protection. The snake curved its body into an "S" shape, exploded outward and sank its needle-sharp fangs into Del's right boot. Reflexively, Del kicked at the shiny v-shaped head, only to gape wide-eyed as he watched the meter-long snake struggle to free its fangs that were caught in the tough leather.
[This message has been edited by palmon (edited February 17, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by palmon (edited February 17, 2008).]
posted
Palmon, your second version is worlds better than the first, IMO. You did a really good job of keeping the same basic scene and presenting it in another way.
I have no major nits with the first paragraph, and only a few in the second.
quote:The snake curved its body into an "S" shape, exploded outward and sank its needle-sharp fangs into Del's right boot. Reflexively, Del kicked at the shiny v-shaped head, only to gap(1) wide-eyed as he watched the meter-long snake struggle to free its fangs that were caught in the tough leather!(2)
1. Gap = gape. Could be a typo in the context of this post, but just wanted to double-check. Another thing...I see the phrase 'so and so gaped, wide-eyed as he/she watched...' kicking around a lot. It strikes me as kind of wordy for what it conveys and a little over-used.
2. Exclamation marks =
[This message has been edited by Marzo (edited February 17, 2008).]
posted
You were right, it was a typo and is corrected. About the exclamation point, tell me why they are not good.
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posted
This is going to sound flaky since I can't cite specific examples off the top of my head, but I've generally heard it said that exclamation marks should be used very, very sparingly. I tend to agree with this rule of thumb. The words should make the excitement and action obvious, not punctuation. (Perhaps with the exception of dialogue, where it stands in for long, adjective-laden tags.)
Aside from that general rule (and general rules can be broken at times, as they say), in this particular case, I think that it simply doesn't add anything, but rather detracts. The sentence it caps is a little too long to end with a punch, and I find the snake's fangs being stuck in the leather enough of a surprise that the exclamation mark seems a restatement of the obvious.
I think it's primarily the length of the sentence, though. If you broke it in two into something like this, however: Reflexively, Del kicked at the shiny v-shaped head. He gaped, wide-eyed, as the meter-long snake struggled to free its fangs - they were caught in the leather! It's more like we're inside Del's head, being surprised to discover that the snake is caught, and less like the narrator is telling us to be surprised when the situation makes that obvious.
posted
Technically, exclamation marks are to be used for exclamations only, and exclamations are things like: "Hey!", or "Oh, hell!" A normal sentence should NEVER have an exclamation mark.
Of course, all rules are meant to be broken. The exclamation mark has come, quite usefully, to indicate that the speaker is shouting (though even there you want to keep the use to a bare minimum). But you NEVER want the narrator to be shouting. Hence you NEVER use it in narration.
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