posted
The Necrodelic's bestial spaceship skimmed the crimson cumulus of Grystiawa's vermilion atmosphere, its shadows falling not only upon the clouds, but into the clouds, as though they possessed mass and weight or were composed of dark matter. They dwelled inside the clouds like gargantuan parasites long after the Omnibeast had flown away, their silhouettes visible through the diaphanous layers of mist like ticks nestled in flesh or unhatched spiders gestating in translucent egg sacs. The nearly tangible nature of its shadow was a dark testament to the raw, pure power of the living vessel and its master, as well as an ominous sigil which augured the extreme evil of the invader. Like a black hole moon, the writhing spaceship orbited the rim of the planet, dropping its shadows like omens across
Or:
The Omnibeast orbited Grystiawa like a black hole moon, dropping its shadows like omens across the planet's scab-like deserts and maroon mountain ranges. As the bestial spaceship slowly descended through the atmosphere in a spiraling orbit, its shadows fell not only upon the clouds but into the clouds, as if they possessed mass and weight or were composed of dark matter. They continued to dwell inside the crimson cumulus like gargantuan parasites long after the Omnibeast had flown away, their silhouettes visible like ticks nestled in flesh or unhatched spiders gestating in translucent egg sacs. The nearly tangible nature of the Omnibeast's shadow was a testament to the raw, pure power of the living vessel and its master, as well as an ominous sigil auguring the extreme evil of the invader.
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited February 09, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 09, 2009).]
My initial reaction to your first paragraph was that while I could appreciate the scene you were setting up for me I wished you could be descriptive without using "like" so often.
By the end of your 13, I knew I had "heard" something similiar. I went to the short stories and sure enough, you were the author of the other work using "scab" and "crimson".
posted
I definitely like the second 13 better. The first had too many "big" words that didn't add to the story. And to be honest, I found myself skimming after only the 2nd sentence. The redeux of the 13 gave me a better idea of what was going on. I think you should maybe think of making the name of the planet something that's easily pronounceable and I'd not describe the cloud as 'cumulus' unless it was relevant to the story.
Posts: 135 | Registered: Feb 2008
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posted
I actually liked the first one better. I think it flowed better and gave the impression of evil without actually stating it as so. I don't want to assume anything here, but I'm wondering if the other posters didn't like the first one because of its wordiness? That would be my only suggestion -- to cut back on the description and make each image count. Otherwise, I thought it was pretty cool. :-)
Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2008
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posted
I will agree that, for me, there was a bit too much wordiness to really lose myself in the piece. Even though I don't read aloud, I felt like I almost had to stop and take a breath half way through. Also, I felt that there were a few too many similes. I'd much rather be told what something is than what it is like. Especially when the comparisons themselves don't particularly resonate with me.
I do feel that the writing is strong. You have a good grasp of structure and a strong use of language. All in all, it just felt a little too ...crowded... for me.
posted
I find myself also suffering from a bit of vocabulary fatigue. You use very alien-sounding words to describe that which is alien (Necrodelic, Grystiawa,Omnibeast), and that's fine if it fits your book. Both paragraphs start to feel even more alien, though, as you use English words that happen to sound quite alien:
vermilion
diaphanous
augured
Nothing is wrong with these words, of course, but when you squish them all together like that I find it has a repelling effect. If I wasn't trying to critique it, I would have skimmed through it. I can echo the sentiment of most of the previous posts -- the descriptions were quite beautiful, but they were also overdone.
"an ominous sigil auguring the extreme evil of the invader."
"bestial spaceship skimmed the crimson cumulus of Grystiawa's vermilion atmosphere"
"inside the crimson cumulus like gargantuan parasites long after the Omnibeast had flown away, their silhouettes visible like ticks nestled in flesh or unhatched spiders gestating in translucent egg sacs."
I also like the second thirteen better than the first, but they both suffer from a sort of "too many images, too fast" feeling to me.
I didn't have a preference. I liked them both. I expect to be hit with new terms when I pick up a Speculative(especially SF) novel and I wasn't overwhelmed by them here. I would read on.
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