"My aids just alerted me. Two doctor-priests were administering the standard blood purity test, the one that all seven year old royalty have to undergo. They flagged the record of one of the girls a few minutes ago."
"I..."
"Sir?"
"Gods above, out of all seven centuries, she had to be alive now? In these times? It couldn't have been, oh, maybe after my body was safely burned and the ashes dumped in the Gang river?"
"I'm sorry, sir."
--
This is a science fiction story that I am currently working on. It's my first attempt at an original novel, so I would appreciate comments if people have them! I'm starting it off with just dialogue between two people who are talking about a girl, the Promised Daughter, whose story the novel will follow. I plan for these pieces of dialogue to begin each chapter for the first part of this novel.
posted
Hi, welcome to Hatrack. There's definetly a hook, the only comment I have is this sentence, "Two doctor-priests were administering the standard blood puity test, the one that all seven year old royalty have to undergo." You only need the first part. The second part "the one that all seven year old royalty have to undergo" feels unnecesary. Are there so many blood tests that he has to clarify, and it smacks of a "as you well know" comment.
Other than that I like it, but I would suggest not putting these dialogs in the first thirteen here, since it's not really the first thirteen of your story but a little prologue opening at each chapter.
posted
Thanks for your response satate! I'll work on the sentence you mentioned. But about not putting up these first thirteen lines - I thought we were supposed to put up the first thirteen lines that the reader will see if picking up the book in a store, and what I just typed would be those first lines... or maybe not?
Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
It piqued my interest. It made me start asking questions about the characters and the direction of the story. It made me want to know more. Maybe use the title of the character being called "Sir" since I am left wondering if it is ruler or military or etc...
Printer-friendly view of this topic
