-Shasta
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Prologue

Enfolded in darkness, Brian watched. It looked like any normal human; short, skinny, the bookish type, with a heavy backpack and glasses sliding perpetually down its nose. It looked small, even a little helpless, walking though the darkened backstreet where it could have been attacked at any moment by one of the less savory elements of the city. Its expression was absent, nonchalant, perhaps lost in thought; as if it were simply walking home from a late night of studying in the school library.

Looks could be disceiving.

Brian emerged into the pooling moonlight, sword glinting at his side. He watched as tiny moments ticked by, until finally the kid noticed him, and stiffened.

“What do you want,” it said. Its tone was flat and a little annoyed. Brian’s intent was plain; people generally didn’t carry swords around in the twentieth century. Any normal human would have been afraid. It was young, slow and stupid. It wouldn’t even be a challenge.

Brian began to recite the charges. “You have been born with the blood, and bitten to become what is known as a werewolf.”

[This message has been edited by DragynGide (edited July 13, 2002).]

Note from Kathleen: Please keep posts of your work no longer than the first 13 lines.

Shasta, the newbie

Some of the semicolon use is incorrect; ( ) "desceiving" probably a typo, although the sentence seems out of place--an authorial/narrator intrusion that breaks the flow.

First sentence tries too hard. A simple "Brian watched in the darkness." would suffice, and would, in fact, mesh better with the understated effect of the rest of the writing.

If Brian was in darkness and stepped out into pooling moonlight (stepped out might be better than emerged--again, to maintain the understatement), I'd like to know why the moonlight was pooling there. Lamplight might pool, but I'm not sure about moonlight, unless it's shining through a narrowing of some sort.

In that case, anyone who wants to read the entire prologue, please email me at dragyngide@yahoo.com . Thanks.

"Enfolded in darkness, Brian watched. It looked like any normal human;" presents an undefined pronoun in a potentially confusing relation to a preceding proper noun. I wasn't sure till the middle (well, end, actually) of the third paragraph that "it" was the thing that Brian was watching from the darkness, rather than a description of his actions and outward appearance. For an experienced reader being required to hold the definition of a pronoun in abeyance is only annoying, but for some readers it could be very confusing, particularly if they assume that "it" is Brian as seen from the outside rather than the thing that he is watching.

Also, I understand the reason that you are using "it" rather than "him/her", but you need to clarify the point. The kid does look like a normal human, and that implies appearing either male or female (in fact, given what you say about being "born with the blood," it probably actually is male or female). That will clarify the intent behind the usage of "it" as a semi-pejorative.

The narrative is lacking in emotional associations, which is partially acceptable in describing situations with which the reader is expected to be familiar but potentially confusing in narratives that feature important but unfamiliar elements like being a werewolf hunter and so forth. Because the audience doesn't already know what to feel or how to react to this situation, it has no dramatic impact other than what you portray as being the "meaning" of the elements presented.

You need to tighten the POV usage a little. That will actually help you to solve most other problems in a narrative. Use adjectives that describe the POV character's emotional reactions to events and elements, for instance, "Enfolded in darkness," should be "Shielded/cloaked/shrouded in darkness," depending on how he feels about watching from the shadows. There must also be enough depth of perceptions and emotional reactions to indicate not just what the POV character sees, but how he feels about it.

"Cloaked in the shadows, Brian [think of using a different name, BTW] watched his prey approach along the alley. The thing looked like a human: a short, skinny, bookish kid [say boy or girl unless there's a reason not to] with a heavy backpack and glasses that seemed on the verge of sliding off his/her nose [this is why you should assign a sex, so that you use "it" for pejorative effect rather than to avoid revealing gender information]. It looked harmless, even a bit helpless to be walking down this dark backstreet of a heartless city where it might be attacked by human predators [internal mental perceptions of this etc. are called for]. An absent, almost nonchalant expression completed the impression of a studious rather than rough kid, perhaps lost in thought, walking home from a late night of studying. [perceptions--such as this being a ruse to attract some humans of the sort that would not be missed by anyone, etc.--can sharpen the POV here]"

This is, of course, all in the nature of minor changes. There are a few stylistic points that POV cannot affect, for instance your calling the character "Brian" and the wording of the formal charge that Brian recites, both of which are a little off. “You have been born of the [Wulf/Lycanthraic/Lupinus] blood, and [recieved the Wulf Mark/Mordax Lupinus/Wulfbitten]. I declare/charge you [as] a WereWulf[en]/Lycanthropus/abomination," might work better than "You have been born with the blood, and bitten to become what is known as a werewolf." "Brian" is just an odd name to associate with a sword weilding werewolf hunter, and the etymology is vague. It would seem appropriate for a member of a conservative, traditional warrior society (which he would seem to be) to have or take a name with strong connotations.