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Author Topic: Short, but necssary
Member # 1451

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--Kennedy Roberts awoke, as usual, a full forty five minutes before the first twinklings of Demeter’s sun would make their appearance over the horizon. Stretching, he was immediatly aware of another presence beside him in the bed, though not by any conscious searching or effort. Ten years as an enlisted man serving the Interplanetary Defense Fleet’s marine force had made him amazingly perceptive to his surroundings, made him able to judge beyond the limits of his body with little more than a cocked ear, and a taste of the air. Of course, thirty years married made all of this somewhat irrelevent, as the person sleeping peacefully only inches away could be no other than the woman he rose to every morning before the sun, the woman to whom he owed his happiness and contentment, his wife, Nora.
Gently so she would not wake, he rose quietly from the sheets and breathed a kiss onto the back of her neck. A butterfly’s touch, but a daily ritual he had never broken that was his unspoken way of saying ‘Yes, I’m here, I didn’t dissapear into the night, and when you wake up I will be here waiting, as always.’ She understood, and as she did every morning rolled to face him, a perfect smile on her perfect face.--

Standing alone, how does that sound? I know you don't know the rest of the chapter (as there is no 'rest of the chapter' yet, or 'rest of the book' for that matter ) but how does it sound for an intro? The plan is for a civil war-ish type short, and shortly after this opening scene (of which those paragraphs are the beginning) the idyllic scene that is set is going to clash with a dramatic and destructive sequence of events that begins to unfold...no less at the hands of our main character!

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jul 2002  | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 1438

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A nice set-up. Sounds good. I would keep reading.

A few housekeeping chores, e.g.,
"ear and a taste of the air." (better flow without the comma)
"none other than" might be more correct than "no other than," although I won't bet my royalties on it

[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited July 15, 2002).]

Posts: 1810 | Registered: Jun 2002  | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 1448

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To be perfectly honest, I felt a little betrayed.

As I began reading about how he was immediately aware of another presence with him in the bed, I began to expect that since attention was called to it, and especially due to the mention of military conditioning, that the presence in his bed was hostile. I don't react that way to my husband when I wake up in the morning; we've been married only three years and already his presence is so commonplace to me that it doesn't seem strange enough to mention. That very insertion of strangeness, to me, seemed to be a violation of the very sanctity of that union. Also, and this is my own personal opinion on the matter... "a perfect smile on her perfect face" also seems to be a betrayal in a sense, because it isn't an accurate interpretation of reality. Even if this man feels that dispite all her flaws, his wife is still beautiful and perfect in his eyes, that knowledge of the flaws is still there. This is not necessarily a bad thing-- in fact, it is what makes us all unique and is often a cause for endearment between soulmates.

I do have to say though, that the daily ritual was wonderfully touching. I liked it alot. I don't think you need to say "as she did every morning", because that's implied with the daily ritual-- just say what she does, and we'll understand. This ritual shows the closeness of the couple and their mutual respect and love for eachother being reaffirmed on a daily basis, which is a necessity for creating and maintaining a happy, healthy relationship. If that's what you meant to get across, that statement did it well.


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