Hello Chronicles,I am new on this forum. I read your first two chapters and I liked them.
Since this forum is meant to give feedback I will give it my best shot. English is not my first language though so that might be a bit of a hindrance.
[Disclaimer] The following is my opinion and only my opinion. When reading my opinion consider the following:
I do not know what it takes to become a good writer else I would probably be writing and publishing stories instead of posting here.
First a few general remarks. Your prose is very descriptive which slows it down somewhat but on the other hand it also enables you to set a powerful scene.
I like the first chapter it awoke my curiosity. Although in the two chapters combined you have me meeting a lot of characters and starships (giving them names makes them important in my eyes) in different scenes.
Especially the second chapter which contains three different scenes.
I am a lazy reader and many different names always makes me nervous. I think I am expected to remember them all which I never do (ofcourse). Also it somewhat puzzles me as a reader that all the scenes in the second chapter are set with different characters.
The city of Korillion is on Omicron Prime, right ? And The Great Matriarch is there in the last scene ? Or is she still on her way ? Master Rufellus dreamt of a city being destroyed was that the City of Korillion ? Where is Master Rufellus at and what does he have to do with the rest ?
And what do all these people have to do with the people in the first chapter ? Especially with Arlissa (okay I have a weakness for females in charge) ? And what was that figurine doing there ? It was found, yet it was not described in detail (only simply crafted, black), maybe because it is not important, but then why put it in ? Your starships are alive ? Are they sentient ? Your starships (or at least the bridge) seem to be made of living matter still it has panels and holograms which seems a strange way to interface with something that is alive ?
(now I read it back and it confuses me even more, the spaceships is alive it has a brain(stem). In one part a command chair grows a tit (including niple) and a paragraph later i see a free floating command chair. The free floating suggest it is something seperate ? Now is it an organic ship, or a mechanic ship or a combination of both ? It makes me wonder about the star gate too. Anwyay I did not even notice these things until I read it a second time so it is probably not that important)
Raising (interesting) questions is good ! It will keep me interested as a reader. But raising too many questions is bad it will confuse me and make me loose interest. I keep saying I am a lazy reader (so that must be true) personally I can not handle very many questions.
Now to the more nit picking parts.
First thing I noticed is that your universe does not contain any doors or hatches, it only has apertures. And everything gets a very large description except for the things that makes me most curious, these apertures (and the figurine) !
You tend to make very long sentences. Like I said I am a lazy reader I like to get pieces of information handed to me in easy digestable chunks. For example the next sentence:
He narrowed his view, crows feet crinkling in his ageing features, as he looked down across lush wide plains, a city built of rising golden ziggurats spread far to the distance.
Any particular reason why that last phrase cant be a seperate sentence ? Introducing the city into this dream seems important because it gets destroyed later on. I feel it should not be at the end of an already long descriptive sentence. (on a personal level, I dislike komma's)
Going towards the end of chapter two you start using the same phrase structure over and over. Like these:
Master Rufellus opened his eyes with a start,
the darkness of his simple sleeping cell around him,
a red of dawn apparent through the single small window as birdsong glittered outside.
Troops of the White Legion with their white crests followed after the musicians,
dressed in ceremonial armour of white and gold,
marching in synchronised order as they followed the first bars of the anthem as it struck up.
The dignitaries followed next,
Dominaris Domineris leading out dressed in refined robes of purple and gold,
his blond hair and beard festooned with small gems.
and more . . .
It starts with an active phrase then a komma then two descriptive phrases. It builds rythm which is good but on the other hand if you get many lazy readers like me, it might be a problem. I started to skip the third and even second parts of the sentences. It becomes predictable (=boring) very fast.
Personally I liked the first chapter better than the second chapter. The second chapter only seems to raise new questions instead of beginning with answering some of the questions raised in your first chapter. This makes lazy readers (like me) confused and wish for a converging storyline very early on.
Do I really need to meet Master Rufellus so early on ? Why cant I follow the Great Matriarch to her meeting with the new Emperor ?
If none of these comments ring true to you then just ignore them. Take what you can use and throw away the rest !
joris
[This message has been edited by joris (edited July 28, 2002).]