posted
In an overall sense, this is a fragment. There is no resolution of any predominant tension introduced in the narrative. It is journalistic in the sense that it is the sort of thing that might be written in a journal.
As a narrative fragment, though, it works very well. The scene is very clearly drawn, the action and dialogue expressive and engaging. The opening needs to be revised, being a little clumsy in setting the scene.
quote:It was Troitsa, Trinity Sunday, the day that churches world-wide set aside to contemplate the Trinity. One God in three persons—a mystery. I sat [with my host, outside a cafe] on "Lover's Hill" which over looks Ulan-Ude in the Republic of Buriatia in central Siberia. [We were watching] the northern sun in the process of setting, in the evening at about 11 or so. The sky was rendered a beautiful red due in part to the forest fires that were raging in the area. Despite the fact that Siberia has a well-earned reputation for being cold, th[is] evening was warm.
The changes I have made have three purposes in mind. The first (chronologically, not in importance) was to clarify the term "We" prior to its first use. "I" is the only pronoun that can be used without some prior instance of a regular noun to point towards. The second was to improve the flow of information by sequencing the elements of the scene so as to move both from universal to particular and from transcendent to sensual (I don't even know what that means, but it is as good a phrase as any for the order I was trying to use ). The third was to use the elements of the milieu to quickly establish the tone evident (to me, at least) in the rest of the piece.
As a narrative, the piece demands closure. This could be anything from extending the story into a book with a traditional dramatic structure to simply including a line (just before the last line, which in this case should remain the last line) synthesizing the elements of the narrative; Trinity Sunday, the three problems that are really only one problem, the setting sun in a desolate and ravaged but still magnificent land, into a single thought (there I will have to admit the limits of my abilities, I have no idea how to put those all together in a single sentence without being quite obvious).
I am glad that you like it. It is a special piece for me. It is the first piece I wrote about my month-long trip to Siberia. This was a series of eight pieces that appeared in my local paper (13000 circ) in which I now have a column. I write for my subscription.
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). The third was to use the elements of the milieu to quickly establish the tone evident (to me, at least) in the rest of the piece.
