Kadabra Riladu. He stood steady in the wind, the rain like a hive of swarming bees pelting him with beads of dew. The wind swirled with the cadences of its own command, hurling the watery stingers in every direction, imaginable. Kadabra stood tall. He was much stronger than the average observer came to believe. Scrawny-looking, but solid as the stone he stood upon. Upon his eyes, he wore sun-glasses, permanently connected to him. With the standard A.I. connected to the web. Upon the bridge of these was a needle inserted into his labella, between and slightly above his eyes, and into his brain. With these unbreakable glasses, Kadabra was ultimately linked to the web, his eyes and ears capable of seeing and hearing anything he wanted. His hair was somewhat out-of-control most of the time, but right now, hung just below his eyes, heavy with water. His hair was a royal blue color. Not so uncommon was unnatural colors and shapes, since the invention of the sunglasses, for it is with them that voluntary and involuntary actions were linked together to become exactly how the action of breathing works.
E-mail me if you want the rest. Or post a little CONSTRUCTIVE criticism
"Insanity is your only escape"
Vycye
[This message has been edited by Infyrno (edited August 15, 2002).]
posted
One good turn deserves another. I would be happy to take a look at the rest of this chapter and critique. One note: I am not all that into cyberpunk, nor have I read much, so I don't feel qualified to comment on whether or not its been done before or things like that. However, I was an English major, graduated top of my Honors class in Creative Writing, and have written/edited professional and technical documents for 15 years. From that perspective (nuts-and-bolts), I may still be of help. My email is hildy9595@aol.com if you are still interested.
Posts: 338 | Registered: Aug 2002
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I'd be happy to do a commentary on your piece, but it's evident that you also need to take Hildy's offer. There are a number of POV problems (Narrative POV is my hobby-horse, I suppose you might say) but there are also a number of syntax and grammatical problems (some of which occur at the same time). There are also a few science\technology issues that should be addressed, but oddly enough, I doubt that they are as troubling to a general audience as they are to me.
posted
Yeah, I would expect there to be plenty of errors. I wrote that in about 10 minutes, and in doing it so quickly, I failed to look into the technical errors. The laser thingy is entirely fantasy, and I doubt it would be at all possible. As for the sunglasses, I think it would be pretty sweet if they WERE real, but again, I doubt its possibility. The science/technology errors do not truly have any importance because, truthfully, I don't care about whether or not any of it is possible or not. Just wait until you get to the Hoverblade, later on in the story. THAT I KNOW is possible... Anyways, I would would like you to correct any errors that you see fit to edit. I will send it to you right now.
posted
Hi, Infyrno, You definitely have a creative mind.
Survivor sounds like he'll be steering you right as regards the practical aspects of your story. Since responding to Hildy's piece, I feel compelled to comment on your descriptive elements.
Obviously, I don't know exactly where you're going with this--I never heard of cyberpunk--but if it means more Gothic and brooding, then the sort of description you give is probably in order. I would simply caution you on being careful to have the phrases make sense. Otherwise, in the extreme, you'll end up with malapropisms.
quote:solid as the stone he stood upon
is good. "Solid" and "stone" go together; the connection is evident.
quote:the rain like a hive of swarming bees pelting him with beads of dew. The wind swirled with the cadences of its own command, hurling the watery stingers
doesn't compute. The word "hive" to me connotes a very specific location, whereas "rain" is more broad-based--unless it was raining only on Kadabra. "Dew" connotes a soft, static, gentleness at odds with "pelting" and "hurling." It's hard to picture "beads of dew" as "watery stingers." And it'd be hard to distinguish dew and rain at the same time. If you rearrange this a bit you could have "the rain pelted him like swarming bees hurling watery stingers." (Better, yet even there bees don't hurl stingers.)
The reference to the wind is a bit contrived. Too much of this type of description can drown your story. Of course, you said you did this in ten minutes, so you'd probably automatically tone it down on rewrite. As much as possible, let the description come naturally.
posted
Quick question, as I am in the middle of responding to your piece right now: is this intended to be the first chapter of a book or part of a short story? Also, would you like me to make suggestions/proposed changes in Word with the Track Changes tool? Let me know and I'll finish up and send my critique via email in the next day or two. Thanks!
Posts: 338 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
Kolona, the "track changes" tool in Microsoft Word is a slick way for one person to comment on another person's manuscript.
If you send your manuscript to Hildy as a Word .doc file, she can pull down the Tools menu in Word and select Track Changes. When she does that, she can insert comments right into your story in a different color.
She can also make changes (spelling, word choice, and so on) and you can go into Tools and select Track Changes and accept or reject those changes.
I'm working with someone who has written up some instructions to show all the cool things you can do with the Track Changes Tool in Word, and I'll try to get it posted in the Ways to Critique section of the Hatrack Writers forum.
In the meantime, anyone who wants a copy of the instructions can email me (workshop@burgoyne.com) and I can see that you get them.
I chose that option because it was sent to me in Word. I would also be happy to provide directions on how to use Track Changes to make inline comments/corrections.
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