posted
Suspended high above the boy, tightly encircled by hardened branches of a towering mountain maple hung the Senkazol, the fire rock. After years of curling growth, the gnarled limbs clenched their prize tightly with long knobby fingers ensnaring the rock. Now the tree and rock were permanently bound together. The darkened limb bearing the rock stretched from the trunk of the tree, an estranged arm dangling its jewel tauntingly over the boy, isolated from the rest of the tree. Other branches flourished as they grew, but not near the gloomy bough. Above it and from the opposite side of the trunk, pale barked branches bore beautiful blossoms in the spring, and broad whitish leaves. These contrasted strikingly with the isolated black appendage opposite surrounded by stunted spikes jutting from knuckles wrapped around the dark, ominous sphere.
Beneath this shadowy extremity, the stolid young man sat mesmerized. Named Taz-Katek by long dead parents, he was tall and powerful for his age. He could run as fast as the men who would no longer wrestle with him fearing an embarrassing defeat. As he stared at the stone, his thoughts swirled, sensing a faint, glowing heartbeat emanating from the Senkazol, moving in tempo with his own.
posted
Is the boy also the young man named Taz? You should name him in your first sentene if that is true, and be ocnsistent. If you call him a boy, call him a boy. If you call him a young man, call hima young man.
I also got lost in your description. There's alot of description there, but I found it difficult to actually picture what was being described.
posted
I skipped the first entire paragraph, after reading in a little. To be honest, I didn't even need more than the first setence--the story made sense without the purple prose paragraph.
I suggest you:
Cut down on description Add a little action (Conflict, energy, etc.) Charge the description you do you use with energy.
Also, the stolid young man, could use an appositive.
posted
I think you state the fact that the limb is isolated from the rest of the tree too much. Once would be enough, then give a brief description on the blossoming, flourishing part, and that would do it. I figure you could cut out about three sentances of description that way.
Either that or replace some of the tree descrption with more description of the boy or young man, or Taz-Katek whichever he is. You need to refine that and identify him right away.
Sounds like an intriguing story other than that. I'd read on.
quote:He could run as fast as the men who would no longer wrestle with him fearing an embarrassing defeat.
Look out for sentences like this. I'd re-arrange it, or split it into two. Better to just leave it out, though. Remarks about cutting down descriptions are right on the money. You don't need to hard-sell the character - you just need to pull us into a scene. After you've hooked us, there will be plenty of time for you to use the story to offer subtler ways of describing this larger-than-normal-guys character.
posted
I gotta say, I don't reckon there's much wrong with the POV here. So it starts off in a omniscient voice and then descends to 3rd limited after the descriptions and exposition are done with, I think that's fine, really.
The first few lines of a story can be told from a different POV from the rest without it being a problem for the reader, I think.
I would work on shortening the descriptions and making the language simpler, though.
The first sentence confused me on the first reading; the way I interpreted the words "towering mountain" first time around jarred rather badly with the word "maple" that followed them. If you drop the "towering", which after all is implied by the fact that something in the tree's branches was "suspended high above" your character, the sentence is a little easier to read.
I also agree that you should name the character as soon as possible. It avoids any possible ambiguity and makes us start thinking about who the character is sooner.
Some of the description of the tree & the stone could be moved to after you've described the character. If they were to be mixed into the action that I feel is sure to follow this introduction, this would effectively increase the pace of the story, which I think needs to be done.
A lot of the description of your character doesn't really fit here. It isn't clear why you are telling us these things about his speed and strength... let us know them when they become relevant to the story, and doing it by showing us rather than telling us would probably be better.
Basically, what I'm saying is: get the story moving faster. You can fill in the details while it is happening, rather than telling them all in advance.
posted
Actually, if you read the posted fragment, it is all in wandering omniscient.
Good POV would actually accomplish most of what needs to be done here.
quote:Taz-Katek stared up at the Senkazol, his thoughts swirling. He could sense a faint, glowing heartbeat emanating from the sacred stone where it hung, encircled by the mighty branches of its towering maple. The life of the ancient tree and that of the stone were intertwined, just as the gnarled branches of the mountain maple were wound together....
You'll mention Taz-Katek's name a couple more times, along with any information he might recall during his contemplation of the Senkazol. And because he is the one actively contemplating the stone, this contemplation reveals his character, along with any details that he considers relevant to his current situation.
Contemplative scenes aren't always ideal openers, simply because usually the story begins in a moment when the protagonist is either not contemplative or is not contemplating the issues of the story. But in this case, working your POV properly would seem to be the solution to all your problems.
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