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The space port is crowded today, and Colleen is tired of waiting for her new customers. Hundreds of visitors have arrived from Earth, Mars, or another asteroid colony while Colleen’s fares have yet to get here. Old Agnus had laughed earlier when Colleen tried to convince her to at least describe what the three women looked like so Colleen could be on the outlook for them.
Old Angus replied, “Child, they’ll find you! What other ten-year-old black girl with white irises and long white curly hair will be at the space port today? Get you gone so I can fix up their rooms and make sure we have enough food to feed them for the next week. Scoot!”
Colleen grabbed old Agnus in a quick bear hug around the waist, grabbed an apple off the kitchen table, and ran out of the open kitchen door.
[This message has been edited by Oliver (edited January 23, 2004).]
posted
I am sorry about this being so short. I thought it would post the way it appeared in the box. I will repost it right now. Please let me know if you understand what's going on in the passage. Thank, Oliver
Posts: 14 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
The space port is crowded today, and Colleen is tired of waiting for her new customers. Hundreds of visitors have arrived from Earth, Mars, or another asteroid colony while Colleen’s fares have yet to get here. Old Agnus had laughed earlier when Colleen tried to convince her to at least describe what the three women looked like so Colleen could be on the outlook for them.
Agnus replied, “Child, they’ll find you! What other ten-year-old black girl with white irises and long white curly hair will be at the space port today? Get you gone so I can fix up their rooms and make sure we have enough food to feed them for the next week. Scoot!”
Colleen grabbed old Agnus in a quick bear hug around the waist, grabbed an apple off the kitchen table, and ran out of the open kitchen door.
quote:Child, they’ll find you! What other ten-year-old black girl with white irises and long white curly hair will be at the space port today?
I'm trying to put this in a nice way, but this is too much. First, no one will remember this list of details. Second, it is obvious you are trying to describe your main character in detail.
Lets look at a few of these details. White hair, is it long? Long enough for it to get in her face? If so, have it fall over her eyes. But don't mention her eye color, just the white hair. Later you could have her compaire the darkness of her hand to something that is lighter in color. Now you have two of your details shown to the reader. If you backed the story up to her flying into the space port, you could then have her looking up at the people passing by. Now we know she is either very short or young. Someone walking by her could bump into her. "Excuse me, little girl." or child, or little lady, whatever works for your story. Now even though the reader doesn't know she is 10, we know she is young. White eye, unless they are common would draw a comment from someone. Maybe the people she is waiting for. Done that way I might remember them. As a long line I have to read it again to try and remember them all.
posted
I know we're dealing with a bit of a flashback here, but it's disconcerting to begin it in a present tense scene. That's a pretty drastic change in only 13 lines.
Posts: 249 | Registered: Jan 2004
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posted
ccwbass called it on the time shift thing. I actually still haven't really figured out exactly what happened when. Also, is there a reason you're using present tense, here? If it was an arbtrary decision, or a way to make the story more interesting, I'd change it. I find it distracting. Present tense is something I think you should only use with a VERY good reason.
Posts: 1528 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
I agree on the present tense usage, doesn't fit here. A couple of other things:
quote:Colleen could be on the outlook for them
I would change outlook to lookout
Shorten the description of the girl or bring it up in conversation. Angus brushed back her curly white hair from her face. He always thought it was such a beautiful contrast to her dark skin. Bad example but I think you get my point.
quote:grabbed an apple off the kitchen table, and ran out of the open kitchen door.
Use "kitchen" only once. Use just "table" or use just "door". I think we get the point with one usage that they are in the kitchen.
quote:The space port is crowded today, and Colleen is tired of waiting for her new customers.
Present tense, third person? Such a distant feel to it -- like you're talking down to the reader or telling a story to a child. Present tense first person can be a struggle for some readers, which is why past tense third person is used the most, but I'd heartily suggest not using present/third. Posts: 1810 | Registered: Jun 2002
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"convince her to at least describe what the three women" The "at least" here seems to be crowding the sentence, it is a little too much. Then, "grabbed her in a big bear hug, picked up an apple, etc. kind of left me with the feeling that he still had a hold of her when he ran out the door.
Other than that, just the tense changes bugged me, but others have commented on that.
Very interesting bit of story, though.
[This message has been edited by JBShearer (edited January 24, 2004).]
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Had to leave. Wanted to add that I was intrigued with a dark-skinned little gal with white irises. Are the whites of her eyes white so she has a vacant look, or are they a different color?
Posts: 1810 | Registered: Jun 2002
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