This is my first post here. This is also the first thing I have written, and most likely going to be the last, after it gets slaughtered, err, I mean, critiqued.

It's *supposed* to be a chapter opening, just trying to introduce the character. The rest of the chapter is done, and maybe could use a reading, but as it's my first post, I think I should probably not get too pushy.

Please be brutal! :-)

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Milo stepped down from the carriage to greet Sophia. She had not left the island for such a long time, but even now, standing in the dust of the stable yard, she looked more a courtier than any of the ladies back in Galabra. As Milo hurried towards her, Sophia wasted no time before embracing him.

Sophia had been a friend of his mother. Milo remembered crying in her arms the night his queen finally died. It troubled Milo, associating Sophia with the memory of his mother's final hours, but every time they met like this, each bitter moment came back to him. He had always supposed it to be the same for her. His mother and Sophia had lived almost all their lives together until that night. Afterwards, she had helped to raise him. Her son, Enzo, was a brother to him.

Both his father and Enzo's had disappeared long ago, even before his mother had been taken from him. Paulo Cardea, the last.....(etc)....

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Think I am under 13 lines there. Based it on keeping the word count down, rather than the line count. Many apologies if it goes over before I get chance to edit it.

Promise I won't cry too much when you destroy me.

Now on to the story.

The first paragraph could use a bit more information. You give us the main characters name, you describe what is happening, but the setting is vauge. I know it is a stable yard, and there is a carrage, but if Sophia just came from an island I would expect Milo to have met her at the docks. You show that Milo and Sophia are at least good friends, possibly more. They could even be brother and sister. But as long as you wanted the reader to know they have some form of relationship with each other, that works.

The second paragraph is trying to explain the background. I mean this in the nicest way.. but it is dull. By the time I hit queen my mind the confusion started. You have just shown me that the two characters that have been introduced so far have some type of relationship. I'm sure that they would have something to say to each other. Instead of telling me that Sophia is his adopted mother, show it. Milo might call her mother, and that can be explained and shown with Milo calling her "mother". The fact he has a brother could be handled by Milo askig a question, "How is Enzo?". Sophia replies, "Your brother is doing well." Or if he is not doing well, it is a nice place to possibly gain some interest. "Your brother is still ill," doesn't actually tell the reader what is wrong with Enzo, but they know something is wrong, and that Enzo and Milo are brothers.

Why do I need to know that Sophia is not his real mother at this point? Or that Enzo is the same? You introduced Milo and Sophia, let us know them first. Give us some reasons to keep reading.

The last start of a paragraph is telling me that there is much more background to come.

Don't take it to hard, I've done the same in my stories. I still catch myself doing it from time to time still. But you need to try showing more. If you are telling for more than a sentance, maybe two you need to make sure it is valuable at that moment. You know the background of the story, all the details of what is going on. Don't put all that in the first few paragraphs.

Overall, because there was no tension, I wasn't engaged. (I know you're thinking, "That's gentle?" Trust me. )There was no hook, and even the queen's death comes off as only old information; everyone has adapted already, so why should I care?

POV is in question as I wasn't sure who I should be following in the first paragraph. Milo is mentioned first, but Sophia is the player here; it is she who is described and who is in the independent clause in the last sentence, while Milo is relegated to the dependent clause. If you're going to start here, let Milo descend the carriage with more presence and let it be obvious that we're looking at the world through his eyes.

All the info in the second and third paragraphs should be worked into the text, preferably shown rather than simply explained, and not necessarily at this point of the story. Take a second look at LordD's suggestions. Instead of telling us all these former things up front, tell us what's going on now. We won't care about the past till we're engaged with the present.

I hesitate to write this, but I would like to have had some better sense of time and place. I hesitate because that could be interpreted as the much-overdone descriptive paragraphs but I needed a little more to hang my mental hat on. Yes, you did mention stables and carriages and queen, but the scene didn't gel in my mind. Maybe cutting to flashback so soon short-circuited the connection to the present.

Rest assured, sadbadger, you have nothing to be ashamed of or to hide from. You have only a bit of work to do. Like the rest of us.

You all seem to be saying the same things here, which is exactly what I needed to hear.

I agree on the 'telling' part of things. I think I move away from that in the next paragraph onwards, but it looks like I need to rethink this. It proved hard to look at something a character is doing/thinking objectively, when I already knew the reasons for a character behaving the way they do. I will hopefully be sorting this out.

Regarding the POV issue that Kolona raised. I really did try with the story I have so far to stick with the POV, and looking back now, it seems that I overlooked a glaring one right at the start. Thanks for pointing it out. Again, I had better review the rest of the chapter.

Also, Kolona, you raised something which I had picked up on myself, but you have confirmed that also for me. The issue with 'time and place', as you put it. I can see what you are saying. I can visualise the whole scene in my mind, but a reader would have to work at it far too much, which would distract them from more important things.

Okay, this all obviously means a rewrite. :-) I *knew* there was a good reason for submitting it. Strangely though, I am quite happy about it. The things that you all picked up on straight away are obvious to me now, in a way that I just could not see before, despite having looked for them.

I have lurked in the fringes of this forum for some time, but I have always thought the advice offered to people to be sound. I have no quibbles regarding anyone on here taking something that I write apart. I think, with this being the first thing I have written, the fear was warranted. :-)

I will hopefully chip in on posts a bit more, now that you all know who it is you will be abusing.

Well, *at least* I didn't get the grammar slated on top of everything else. :-)

Many thanks for all the input, though. It's been very instructive.

sadbadger, your writing is clean and sounds mature. That in itself says you've got promise as a writer. Like others have said, your storytelling skills can use some honing, but if this is your first attempt at writing, you have no need to worry about that.

quote:

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Okay, this all obviously means a rewrite. :-) I *knew* there was a good reason for submitting it. Strangely though, I am quite happy about it. The things that you all picked up on straight away are obvious to me now, in a way that I just could not see before, despite having looked for them.

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I'm not positive why, but I can pick out problems with other peoples storyies much easier than my own. I look at my own and often times miss things that are flashing like a neon sign to other people. For me the "telling" has been going away with practice, so practice.

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Huh?

Why are you hitting me with all this information?

Remember, I as a reader am impatient!

Alright, so we have the start.

Milo stepped down from the carriage to greet Sophia.

Hmm... so we have Milo and Sophia. I'm guessing Milo is male and Sophia female. Hard to tell. Nothing blatantly wrong yet, but I'm not ENTERTAINED or INTRIGUED or EMOTIONALLY involved. Maybe the next couple of lines will do this for me?

She had not left the island for such a long time,
Huh? Who is she? Is Milo she? That's the vibe I'm getting, at least for now. And why the adverb-adjective overload? Why couldn't the writer just use
She had not left the island of XXXX for an eternity
or some other phrase which is smooth and non melodramatic?

but even now, standing in the dust of the stable yard, she looked more a courtier than any of the ladies back in Galabra.

What does this mean?

At this point, I have tons of questions.
Why should I put up with him? Am I INTRIGUED, EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED, or ENTERTAINED?

Not really.

Book put down.

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Advice?

a) Try making the introduction scene an action one. They're being robbed, or something of that sort. That way we can see the characters acting and learn who they are through actions.

b) Realize who the POV character is (if it's limited) and describe everything as he or she would.

c) Be concise--realize that the reader wants to be interested. The reader will tolerate some elaborate description, but in general try to keep it as limited as possible.

For a first time, however, I find this amazing. Compared to what I put out...ugh.
Remember:
Reach for the sky. Even if you fail, you'll be up their with the stars.