posted
Ok. Here's a start to a story I was thinking about. Does it sound interesting enough to continue? I'm assuming a cool title will present itself as I go along.
Green’s Sleeve, a modest drinking establishment, creaked beneath the pressure of the first tropical storm of the year, and the wind bent palm trees lining the flooded streets signified its easterly direction. The only thing we could do was lounge around with our beers as if we owned the place, and wait.
Every pub has its regulars. The plump bartender, Mel, called us the grey brigade because none of our crowd, except for maybe Tucker, was under seventy, which didn’t stop any of us from trying to play grab ass with her.
“We are all,” said Finnian suddenly, “vampires…”
He was the only grey beard who didn’t do odd jobs to offset the social security. There were rumors about how a retired beat cop could afford such an idle life. Old Finn appreciated all the lies that followed him around, because the worst that could be said about him was that he was a consummate yarn weaver himself.
His remark shocked none of us and was received without even a grunt from Captain Jack, who riled easily. It was just like Finnian to make grand announcements then leave us hanging. A howling gust rattled the pub’s windows and he said, very slowly:
“I was thinking of olden times when knights walked the Earth,” and he took a long draught from his pint of lager before continuing:
“There were some who still had the potential to be truly human.”
posted
Thank you Beth. I will. At least, I'll do my best. I'm thinking this will be a short story...maybe heart of darkness meets interview with a vampire we'll see. Like I said in my intro, I have a million ideas and not nearly enough time.
Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
I'm not sure you need the first paragraph. I liked the beginning with the second paragraph. It sounds pretty good so far.
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I wouldn't call for eliminating the first paragraph entirely, there's some good stuff there. But it would be good to introduce the pub with the idea that it is the regular hangout of the narrator and his crowd.
That aside, or even included, I like the direction this is developing.
posted
I, too, like the direction this seems to be heading.
I stumbled over the bartender. Mel. I picture Mel as a guy right up until the very last few words of that paragraph when it talks about the old guys trying to grab her butt. Maybe go P.I. and call her a barmaid, or slip in a 'her' as soon as possible, or maybe don't even name her if she's not important to the story.
A caution: Right now there are five identifiable characters in these first few paragraphs. Narrator Mel Finnian Tucker Captain Jack That's quite a lot for a short story--maybe too many. You'll have to work with a great deal of finesse to manipulate them all within the framework of a short AND help the reader keep them all straight/care about them.
posted
Thanks for the feedback. It will help as I progress with the story. Hopefully I'll have time between working on my dissertation and teaching classes.
I am concerned about the five characters and only Finnian and the Narrator are important...the others are just an audience for Finnian kind of like the boat crew was for Marlow in The Heart of Darkness.
The basic idea is to make this a time travel story but via the occult...kind of like astral projection. Finnian will go back in time and encounter Elizabeth Bathory, the blood countess and learn something about being human in the process...don't know what that lesson is yet...I like surprises. I guess this is turning into a more a novella than a short story.
posted
Actually, if you want the instant hook, you could start with Finnian's "We are all vampires" line, and then shift to the very prosaic, incongruous setting of a bunch of old guys sitting in the bar. I think that makes it a stronger beginning, because the reader is intrigued - does Finnian mean it literally? Who are these people, if they aren't actually vampires? Why would he say that? That's more intriguing, I feel, than having an old guy suddenly say "we are all vampires" at a point when it is reasonably clear that they aren't - there, you've merely got the question of "what does he mean by that?", with the likely assupmption that it's just some kind of metaphor, rather than a hook into his Conradian reminiscence.
Posts: 1469 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
This has nothing to do with your story per se, but rather is a point of market information. According to the new slush reader for Realms of Fantasy, Shawna McCarthy won't buy a story that begins in a bar.
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
The way it flowed was what got me. Despite if people don't like the idea, you've got a style that, if you continue to develop as you write, will pull people in. Green’s Sleeve, a modest drinking establishment, creaked beneath the pressure of the first tropical storm of the year(.)I think that would be a good spot for a period. In my opinion, it was an excellent opening, except for the part that it kept going. Cut it up a bit there and it'll sound much better. Hope I helped.
Posts: 9 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Thanks all. I like your comments and will continue to work on it. I wonder why the pub thing is a problem though. Why wouldn't it be ok. Is is an age/audience thing or is it that it's a bit cliche? hum?
Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
It's too early to call it a cliche, but yeah, it is
I start my vampire story in a bar too, by the way. Practically everyone does. It's a very natural line of thought. Vampires work by seduction, where do you go to find new people to seduce? A bar.
Even though that's not where I take my version, and it's not where yours started, vampire stories starting out in bars have become quite ubiquitous. Really, I think that it should be a rule...where else are you going to meet a vampire? Time travel excepted
But it can get very wearisome for an editor of a genre publication to read hundreds of stories, all of which start in a bar. And of course it makes the slush reader's job easier to simply say "if it starts in a bar, toss it".
posted
How about changing the setting to a bingo hall though I really liked the name of the pub. Still, a bingo hall might be the perfect place because it is unexpected and somehow innocent. I guess I better get back to work. Thanks again. This is a neat site. I have a lot to learn.
Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
Here's the revision of my beginning after thinking about all your thoughtful remarks. I'd love more feedback but will probably try to get the rest of the story done or almost done before I revise this again. This is fun...
“We are all vampires,” said Finnian and a howling gust of wind rattled the windows of the clubhouse and hub of our assisted living community: Camelot.
His remark shocked none of us greybeards and was received without even a grunt from the Major, who, after the shuttle accident, riled easily. It was just like old Finn to make grand announcements then leave us hanging. The roof creaked again beneath the pressure of the first tropical storm that year and all transport had been grounded hours earlier. The only thing to do was lounge around with our beers and play bingo, and then Finnian said, very slowly:
“I was thinking of olden days when knights walked the land,” and took a long draught from his pint of lager before continuing:
“There were some who might have had the potential to be truly human. But, in the end, they too were corrupted…and I was there.”
“Bull malarkey,” snorted the Major.
Unperturbed Finn began again, “The Cubs had just won the World Series and Hurricane Andrew III was crawling toward St. Petersburg. I joined the force that summer. 2172 was an ambivalent year.”
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 22, 2005).]
posted
Yes, I like this much better. Vampires in an old folks home of the future. I'm hooked. I'd love to read the rest when you finish.
Posts: 579 | Registered: Mar 2004
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