The Mongol marketplace resounded with the call of hawkers and the blare of brass trumpets. Camel trains from the eastern deserts filled the dirt-packed street. Soochow harlots, epicurean Cantons, and bankers from Shansi crowded the surrounding courtyard. Sun Yee-sen smiled as he smoothly cut his way through the horde. His braided queue trailed him like an ebony serpent as he quickly sidestepped a masseur working at a convenient corner. Ducking, he avoided the butcher blade of a bare-pated, long-coated Han, preparing venison. He walked swiftly like a man with purpose - Sun was going home. Through the din, he heard the masses swell in front of him. Powdered and rouged Manchu women in delicate hues of pink and lavender gathered, giggling like sprigs of plum blossoms in a gentle
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i've lurked around for a couple of months. you guys seem better than most of the other forums i have peeked at (though a lot seem to have weird membership rules). 1st submission, do your worst!
[This message has been edited by Magmasilk (edited June 29, 2005).]
posted
As noted, a paragraph break or two might be an idea - it is a little dense at the moment, though to some extent that helps to evopke the crowded confusion of the marketplace.
The line "through the din, he heard the masses swell in front of him" doesn't work for me - I think you're trying to indicate that there is a particular mob of people up ahead, over and above the general confusion of the busy market, but it doesn't quite feel right.
posted
I don't think I had any problems with the metaphore of an ebony serpent for the braid. It was an interesting way to phrase it.
You did a nice job of tossing an interesting hook right there at the tail end of the 13. My only suggestion would be to round out your description with more than just the visual imput... mention what he smells and how he feels, too. That might give the description just a little more pep.
posted
Thx for all the comments ... im still working a couple of scenes so i was more curious about getting feedback on the intro/hook before sending out eventually ...
So to sum up the comments
negative: paragraph structure, some language choices, dense.
positive: a few hooks. painted the market place ok.
need more: protaginist's thoughts
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missing any other comments? do you think i have to get pretty close the protaginist's thought? Are there enough hooks?
posted
You just need one hook, if that's what you're after. A lot of hooks are going to make us feel like you're trying too hard to grab our attention. I agree with the paragraph breaks. I think the lack of them is what gives the piece this density, and it can be easily remedied. I don't necessarily think that you need to show more of the protagonist's thoughts. You have chosen to open with an effective description of an alien place to give us a sense of atmosphere. I'm inclined to think that the character's thoughts would only detract from that. You have an effective beginning as it is (apart from the missing paragraph breaks ). I would suggest you leave it as it is.
Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I'm starting to feel like a line-count Nazi. This is 17 lines, properly formatted (see FAQs. You should cut the last two sentences for posting. Of course, if you cut some of the description, you can get to that last sentence within the 13-line limit.
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2001
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