posted
The is the first thirteen from my first shot at writing short fiction. It comes in at 11,800 words so it's novelette length (I'm not convinced I could write anything shorter). It's a fantasy piece, with a lot of cyberpunk elements worked in.
This is a mature piece and includes words and themes that some may find offensive.
Feedback on the first twelve lines (it breaks better than at 13) would be awesome, but I'd really like to get some readers. If you're interested please let me know. Anyway, without further ado:
Faery is Burning
“So I’m sitting there in the middle of my pad, totally regular deal, and Snag is, like, freaking out because he hasn’t had a hit in four hours or something, when all of a sudden my back wall explodes and in come the pigs.”
I lean back in the plush leather chair. I’m sweating. I can still picture them, four foot from hoof to haunch and not an inch less; terrified, terrifying eyes staring out from beneath the rusting iron sheets that were welded to their skin.
I try to read the effect my story is having on Brewl, but he’s just sitting there, breathing slow and hard. Damn trolls man. Only things they’re good for are wrestling and porno.
[This message has been edited by thexmedic (edited July 27, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by thexmedic (edited July 27, 2006).]
posted
I read it as something out of Heavy Metal the graphic comic mag - I was able to visualize the characters - but I did feel like I jumped into a cold pool. It starts of fast pace, is the whole story the same?
I would read it but, alas I am the least experienced here - and I should develop my writing skills throughly before assesing a whole manuscript...
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited July 27, 2006).]
posted
I'm not your audience, so keep that in mind.
You do a good job of establishing tone and a hint of intrigue. I, however, would find the vernacular totally, like, you know, irritating to read. I would read that opening paragraph and toss it, as the slang would not be something I'd be willing to wade through. There is a difference between spicing dialog to give the impression of modern slang and dumping us in a vat of it. It's slang overkill, IMHO.
This story opens up very much like Tad Williams' "The War of the Flowers." As I read your first 12, I couldn't help but think of that book. The common elements are the modern day slacker being kidnapped by the beasties from Faerie... and trolls were involved. Perhaps the resemblance would fade after the first few pages.
posted
I like it so far, a lot. I'm leery of committing to something so long, but if you'd like to send it, I'll read at least the first part -- which is probably enough for most of the critiquing benefit! -- and maybe all.
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posted
Anything prefaced with "Warning: Mature themes" is not usually my cup of tea. But I nearly spilled my tea at "Only things they're good for are wrestling and porno." This fragment had a edgy/humorous tone to it all the way through, and that sentence sealed it up. It got me laughing, and I sure hope that was your intent.
I will say that the phrase "...terrifying eyes staring out from beneath rusting iron sheets..." has too many -ing words to read comfortably. I had been able to visualize the scene, but the action in that phrase got a little confused. It bumped me out of "reader mode" and into "critical reader mode." Also, I don't think you need "that were", i.e. "...iron sheets welded to their skin."
I think the first, long sentence would benefit from stronger punctuation. Try reading it aloud. You'll have to stop in there, somewhere, to take a breath. That's where you should put a period or some other stop, something stronger than a comma. Just my opinion.
posted
Thanks to everyone for the feedback. I really appreciate it.
TMAN: I wish I could have kept this pace up, but no, it slows over the course of things. I've never read Heavy Metal so... might check it out now. As for your level of experience, it doesn't bother me. Any feedback is appreciated, so if you have time for a whole read then that's cool. Not trying to be pushy, and if you're not interested, you're not but, just to let you know.
Elan: I can certainly see how the vernacular would get annoying. I thnk it's the worst in that first paragraph but I'll check for the level I maintain throughout. But definitely here I think I misjudged... As for War of the Flowers, it wasn't something I was consciously thinking of, but as that was the only Faery story I've managed to stomach in the past 5 years, it was probably lurking at the back of my head.
Survivor: not sure what to do about the narrator narrating. I could cut back to the scene, but I don't really feel that that's where the story begins. At least, not for a shorter piece like this. I'll think about it though, thanks for the comments.
As for mature themes: I'm talking drugs and violence, no sex or anything graphic like that. Plus some swear words.
Thanks to everyone who said they'll read it. I will get it to you Monday (weekend is a bit mad quite honestly). Time isn't much of a factor, whenever you get a chance.
posted
I was refering to the continuity problems caused by the lines being spoken by the narrator in the scene which is being narrated by the narrator in the same voice.
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posted
Survivor: do you think I could fix it a little if I switched the story being told (it only goes on for a couple more paragraphs) into past tense, rather than present? I'm a little worried it may reduce immediacy, but if it improves sense then it's worth it.
TMan: nice thought, but I'm using strict first-person perspective the whole way through. Thanks for the suggestion though.
posted
Well, that just makes it seem really strange that your narrator would use present tense when writing if he uses past tense when speaking.
The heart of the problem is that a story needs to be truly exceptional for me to bother plowing through all the confusion that arises in a first person present tense narrative. One important part of that confusion is the difficulty in trusting a narrator who would write in the present tense. We all have enough trouble taking a narrator seriously if the story is spoken in present tense.
wbriggs: if you're still interested in reading some/all, could I have your email address? Just contact me at jtxm@hotmail.com if you're leery of posting your contact info in a public forum.
posted
I'm still a rookie at this too, but if I may add my vote to the "narrator narrating is confusing," pool...I also wouldn't mind reading it and offering my two cents. I am definitely NOT a rookie bookworm! Lemmie figure out how to give you my email address...
*chuckle* Trolls, wrestling and porno...ye gods, that's a great one-liner! LOL
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