posted
The short story (as it stands now) is called "The Awakening". I have two chapters "finished", containing only 3283 words. It is a start, I suppose. Thanks in advance.
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The ground was soft beneath her bare feet and the grass before her was a bright green. The trees surrounding her were tall and strong. She spun around, with her arms stretched open and her skirt sweeping around her legs. The softly curled brunette danced with the trees. A bird flapped its wings across the clear, purple sky as she gently fell to her knees. A small, peaceful smile formed around her lips. With her arms raised slightly and stretched out, palms open and facing the sky, she tilted her head backwards, and closed her eyes. Sitting on her knees, Sofia felt something wet hit her face. It began to drip off her nose, down her chin. She opened her eyes and reached her hand to her face. She screamed as she pulled her hand away, covered in blood. Her once green pasture wonderland instantly faded into darkness.
[This message has been edited by Second Assistant (edited August 17, 2006).]
posted
I don't have a lot to offer you in the way of criticism, but I would rethink the "sitting on her knees." That's not anatomically possible. How about "sitting on her heels" instead? I liked the beginning, especially the big surprise at the end.
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posted
ooh...creepy ending...I like. Go ahead, SCARE me, give me the heebie jeebies, or just plain creep me out!
My only criticism, and I hope this is constructive, is in how you described the girl and her movements. I'm not sure if I can explain this very well, but it didn't flow smoothly in a couple of parts. I like the imagery, and it's almost like I can "see" the trees, the grassy field and the warm daylight, and then BAM! I can almost feel the sudden change in lighting when she realizes it's blood...>goosebumps<
posted
I like the mysterious ending and the imagery you presented. I am very curious to read more.
I think I have some suggestion on why the initial description might not 'flow' well.
"The ground was soft beneath her bare feet and the grass before her was a bright green. The trees surrounding her were tall and strong."
Here you are telling us that the ground is soft and green and that the trees are tall and strong. It is the perfect sensory information that can be depicted through the character not around the character:
"Layers of plush grass enveloped her feet stained her toes and heels green. Trees stood like giant guards on all sides, refusing to to allow anything in or out."
posted
If anyone would like to read the rest of what I have, and give me more advice/constructive critisim, just let me know and I can e-mail it to you, or give you a link to it on the web.
Posts: 3 | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
I would prefer to be in Sofia's POV, although omni is legitimate.
Were this a story in a magazine, I would have skipped most of the paragraph. Thing is, I get how idyllic the scenario is just from sentence 1. I think I would have been hooked by: knowing how Sofia feels, what she's happy about, and seeing the problem earlier on.
quote:The softly curled brunette danced with the trees.
This line doesn't make sense to me. When you say "a brunette" you are implying a person with brunette hair. Do you mean the PERSON was softly curled? Or are you trying to say her hair fell in soft curls?
I like the idea of setting up an idyllic setting, only to have it turn into a nightmare. It's just that I'm not fond of the detatched style of the omni narrator. There is too much in the way of description for my taste. Telling me grass is green, trees are tall and strong--these mundane descriptions make me yawn. Describe to me these things from HER POV... pull me in.
posted
I think this is a nice beginning - I like the switch from contentment to terror. That said, I did feel a few bumps. But I don't have tons to add that hasn't already been said.
Is there a reason you can't tell us Sophia's name in the very first sentence? I would have connected with her more if she had a name.
Like others, I also would have preferred to view this from Sophia's POV, rather than omni. Then we could see her engage with the experience as opposed to just watching the experience happen to her. This was especially true for the sentences "She opened her eyes and reached her hand to her face. She screamed as she pulled her hand away, covered in blood." There's no emotion there for us to empathize with, because we're just watching her as opposed to being in her head.
There were a couple of places where your sentence construction threw me off. For example:
quote:"She screamed as she pulled her hand away, covered in blood."
Grammatically, "covered in blood" is referring to "she", indicating that Sophia herself is entirely covered in blood, not just her hand.
Someone has already mentioned "softly curled brunette". That's an awkward phrase. And if you decide to rewrite in Sophia's POV, you can't use that image at all, unless Sophia is consciously thinking about her soft, curly, brown hair.
Someone also already mentioned "sitting on her knees". That threw me also.
I really liked the last sentence, especially as a lead in to the next paragraph. It is the closest you get to being inside of Sophia's head. A small thought: remove the word 'pasture' and that sentence will flow better without losing your intended meaning.
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited August 31, 2006).]
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