posted
This is the beginning of my speculative fiction. It's a post-Apocalyptic fantasy, I s'pose. It isn't finished as of yet but with intense writing, the first draft should be done within the next two months...if I can stay intense. And now the first 13 lines (or so):
It felt like the end. The air was hot and dry, heavy. Still. Too still to breathe. All around him, in every direction, sand grew. For miles it stretched around. Boundless. Burning. It was the end. But he couldn’t stop. Maybe he knew that it wasn’t his end, not really. Perhaps, deep down, all beings know when they will die and so all beings really know when they will live. Whatever it was, he kept walking. Kept dragging his mutilated excuse for a foot until all he could see was the shimmering.
All around him the air sighed and, although he knew it was still dead air, it seemed to cushion him, moving air to dry his sweat and cool his body. At the time, he was too delirious from pain, lack of rest, and lack of water to realize that he had done it.
Edited for missing words as TMan pointed out.
[This message has been edited by Ali (edited August 26, 2006).]
posted
I like the premise of the story and I can feel the theme your trying to paint. IMHO, I think that you should focus less on dramatic pauses and focus on flow. The first sentence of the first paragraph where you are trying to describe the intense heat, to me seemed clunky. Maybe remove the "still." and connect the other sentences to together. They all seem to end abruptly. The sencond set of sentences describes the sand as growing. I think you could say it seemed that the sand was growing. "all beings know when die.." seems like your were saying it as you typed and forgot to include a few words. I do this alot, I get so engrossed that I "think" I included the proper words, commas, periods - or quotations.. As I said before this sounds like an interesting story and definetly would be appealling to me.
Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
That's exactly it!! Post-apocalyptic speculative fantacy. That's how to describe my story. Sorry for spamming your post. it's really good, but the typos or whatever it was were confusing. overall, interesting.
Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
You don't say it in your post but if this is a short story, it starts too slow for me.
I'm starting to sound like a scratched record but it wouldn't hurt to tell us the MC's name at the beginning.
The end of what? He realized he'd done what? Coupled with the arid setting you're describing the answers to those questions could be interesting. I would like to know something concrete instead of ruminations spawned by an event I have no knowledge of. Like "it was the end of the XYZ Empire but it felt like the end of the world". Something like that, I can't come up with a Fantasy alternative.
I don't know if I'm making much sense. Sorry, I'm still new at this.
Nicole.
[This message has been edited by Nicole (edited August 23, 2006).]
posted
Thank you all. I do appreciate it. As for answers to questions, that's exactly what I wanted to evoke. That feeling of confusion and the need to know what is going on in the story. You find out the MC's name withing the next two paragraphs and you find some answers as to the end of what in the next sub-chapter.
Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
The information that isn't there, isn't there for a good reason. If OSC told you straight out that the game Ender was playing wasn't really a game (even if you guessed towards the mid/end), would it be a good story? Not that all of the information is that vital...However, stories are filled with little tensions and releases over the course of the book. No one releases all their information in the first 13 lines of a book. If they did, you wouldn't read it.
Do these first 13 lines make you want to read more to find out what is going on? Or do they fail?
posted
Okay...I wasn't arguing with the critique. I was justifying(?) but that's not the right word...
I wasn't arguing with your critique. I'm sorry if it came off that way. I appreciate your patience with even reading the 13 lines that you disliked. Thank you.
If I move the name up some more, like below, would it fix anything?
It felt like the end. The air was hot and dry, heavy. Still. Too still to breathe. All around him, in every direction, sand grew. For miles it stretched around. Boundless. Burning. It was the end. But Elias couldn’t stop. Maybe he knew that it wasn’t his end, not really. Perhaps, deep down, all beings know when they will die and so all beings really know when they will live. Whatever it was, he kept walking. Kept dragging his mutilated foot until all he could see was the shimmering.
All around him the air sighed and, although he knew it was still dead air, it seemed to cushion him, moving air to dry his sweat and cool his body. At the time, he was too delirious from pain, lack of rest, and lack of water to realize that he had done it.
I don't know if that makes any difference but I'd like to think that you're experience enough to not want to know all of it at once. Part of his character is that he experienced this traumatic event and would rather not remember it readily, perhaps he doesn't remember how him foot was maimed...that sort of thing will comeout soon but not in the first 13 lines. Do you have any other suggestions?
Edited for grammar
[This message has been edited by Ali (edited August 29, 2006).]
posted
The voice is too distant for me. If it is the end of the world, I want to know it - it being:
(1) Whose head am I in (POV)? (2) Where am I - Earth or someplace completely different? (3) How does that POV feel about what is happening? (4) What is happening? (5) Why do I care?
While some argue that you can't do all of that in 13 lines, you certainly can give me a feel for the answers within the 13. I'd also suggest reading Christopher Moore's new book - Dirty Jobs in which he very sucessfully grounds the readers in all those details in the first 13 lines, which are the only lines on the first page of the book.
While I can wait for items 2 and 3. I MUST know 1, 4 and 5 by the end of the 13 lines.
As it is, I have no reason to care what happens or what he did by the time you get to the last line. All you have is another end of the world story. Joy. Why should I care about THIS one?
You are witholding too much because you think it is clever or creating mystery/supense. The reason Ender's Game works is because the POV doesn't know the truth at the beginning. If the POV does know a critical element and doesn't convey it to the reader, it is just bad writing. If you think it is critical to withold the information pick a POV that doesn't know that information. That way as the POV, who does not have to be the MC, figures it out the reader does too.
Once you know who is telling the story the other issues will smooth over.
posted
I have been in situations where I am in the desert and I feel like there is nothing but sand everywhere. I have been hammered by the heat until I felt like if I stopped walking I would fall over and die.
I was thirsty, terribly thirsty and my skin felt burned and everything I did hurt, from shifting the pack I was carrying to drinking a little water. It hurt, it scratched, it burned.
I don't feel any of that when I read this. I can't put my finger on the exact problem but it is as if we are looking at this very objectively, not from the POV, like he is saying it but not feeling it? Does that make sense?
I don't care if I know whether there was a nuclear attack or if the world was ravaged by aliens at this point. I don't care if you are withholding something from me. To me I just don't empathize with the POV and I would put this story down (or not buy it) if I just read the first little bit.
I just don't feel what he is feeling in the excerpt you have.
I would move the stuff about knowing he was not going to die until a little later and give us some more about what he is feeling.
Also the sand growing imagery needs to be tweaked a little bit. I have read your post a half-dozen times and every time I get hung up on the wording of that. Not sure the exact change needed but it took my a moment to get what you were saying.
posted
Thank you. Those were very helpful critiques. I will now be able to DO something with it. I wasn't getting any of that because people weren't speaking in words...they were speaking in blank letters telling me to fix something but not actually saying what...So thank you.
Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
Don't be bitter. Or rude. We've all posted our "babies" here to be crucified by our peers. When we ask for feedback, we get feedback. They were telling you exactly what feedback should be: the things that jarred them while reading. If you can't swallow your pride and say something nice, then just say thanks and nothing else at all.
I'll add my 2 cents. I experienced the same thing everyone else seems to be - there's nothing to ground me in those first sentences, nothing to make me care. In fact, even in your second version, I never got as far as the MC's name. Why? Those first several sentences can all be summed up under one word: melodrama. Melodrama doesn't work when we don't have a reason to care.
"It felt like the end." - To whom? (a name and gender will suffice at this point) - The end of what? - Why does it feel this way? - Is it *really* the end, or does it just feel that way?
"The air was hot and dry, heavy." - What about all my previous questions? I'm still thinking about those, so I basically ignore this except to ask: - Since I have no context for this from my previous questions, who cares?
"Still." - This is invisible, as I already have too many unanswered questions and you already have one "who cares" strike against you. Now two.
"Too still to breathe." - Want answers. Need answers. Who cares? Three strikes.
"All around him, in every direction, sand grew." - ANGRY READER. I've been wanting to know WHO for several sentences, and now all you give me is a pronoun??? - Still no answers!!! - How the heck can sand grow? - I'm outta here.
posted
I'm not bitter and if I came off as rude, I apologize. So far, your critique has been the most helpful. I appreciate that. Those are definant questions that I can't see because I'm not the reader of this story. I'm the writer so I know what's going on and I can't tell if I'm conveying that. You can. That's why it's posted here. And, obviously, I am not getting anything across. So I appreciate your help.
Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
Ali, I see from your profile that you're new around here. Nothing wrong with that - we all start somewhere/sometime. I suggest that you spend some time reading others' work in F&F, reading the feedback they receive, and giving your own. You will learn a lot about seeing what the reader sees by critiquing - much more than you will learn by writing your own stuff. It's humbling, but true - for everyone. You will also begin to see the usefulness in the kind of comments you received here. Posts: 470 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
I am not suggesting you make any modification here, I just want to point out to this reader the sentence "Still." chopped out of the page and broke the flow of the text as I was glancing through the story. Not a big deal, but thought I'd point it out.
Posts: 2195 | Registered: Aug 2006
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