quote:

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Alex stared at the computer screen. He could not believe what he saw. The Aquarius Project was being exploited by someone at the executive level for their own ends, and he suspected that only Dr. Fenton himself could have tampered with the receiving and inventory records without leaving footprints.

That suspicion was unacceptable. He had to consult with Dr. Fenton about this instead of speculating on such absurdities. He decided to discuss it with him after the staff meeting tomorrow morning.

His buzzer rang and he closed the document he had been reading and went to the door. “Hello, baby. Come on in. I’ll be ready in a sec.”

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(edited to remove >13 lines)

"Alex stared at the computer screen in disbelief. Someone was exploiting the Aquarius Project at the executive level, and he knew of only one person who could have done such a thing. Dr. Fenton was the only man who could have tampered with inventory and rceiving records without leaving so much as a metaphorical footprint..."

Your sentences as you have written them tell a good story, but it feels like they're very cut and separate. Simple setences sometimes disrupt the flow of reading. Maybe you could find a way to combine them in a way true to your style and telling the story the way you want it.

Okay, I've re-read it (third time). I think if you make the opening paragraphs an internal monologue so the voice is more active, it will be more interesting. For instance, this part:

>>Alex stared at the computer screen. He could not believe what he saw. The Aquarius Project was being exploited by someone at the executive level for their own ends, and he suspected that only Dr. Fenton himself could have tampered with the receiving and inventory records without leaving footprints. <<

could be rewritten something like this (I'm rushing, please don't criticize my spelling, and this is really rough, too - I'm just trying to give you an example of what I mean):

_What the hell is this?_ The file on Alex's computer screen proved that someone on the executive level was exploiting the Aquarius Project. _This can't be good. What are they up to?_ He pondered the evidence before him. _This has all the earmarks of something Fenton would do. Only he could tamper with the records without leaving footprints._

* * *
Things between "_ _" are supposed to be in italics - I'm rushing here and couldn't find the thingie to make italics in my post, sorry. Anyway, this is one way to get it into more "active" voice, "showing" rather than "telling." Hope this helps!

I agree about the internal dialogue. I think it would make things move better and read better. I started to write it that way, but I didn't want to start with italics. I think I'll use quotation marks instead.

If I've even mildly interested someone with my first 13, then I have improved! That was the question I wanted answered the most.

I think I'm on the right track here, and I hope to have better flow and more complete sentences in my first revision.

I'm eager to get to know Elaine, too.

BTW, Lynda, you do italics by [ i ]stuff to be italicized[ / i ], but leave off the spaces. Replace the i with a b for bold.

(edited in order to follow my usual pattern)

"Alex stared at the computer screen. He could not believe what he saw." Okay, hold up a moment. What does he see? Is it a message from his internal auditing team telling him that there's a serious discrepancy? Is it a chart he's created detailing all approved expenditures and current reserves against known funding? Is it a log showing unauthorized transfers to untracable accounts?

"The Aquarius Project was being exploited by someone at the executive level for their own ends, and he suspected that only Dr. Fenton himself could have tampered with the receiving and inventory records without leaving footprints." Whoa. First off, this makes no sense. If whoever did this left no footprints, then how does he know it was done? Second, it seems he's real quick to suspect the guy if he really trusts him that much. Why doesn't he suspect himself too?

"That suspicion was unacceptable. He had to consult with Dr. Fenton about this instead of speculating on such absurdities. He decided to discuss it with him after the staff meeting tomorrow morning." Okay, asking Fenton if he has any idea what's going on makes sense, but waiting till after the staff meeting tomorrow doesn't make sense. It seems like a pretty serious problem, one that should be cleared up as soon as possible.

Then you have a complete change of subject and totally drop the issue you saw fit to put at the opening of the story. I suppose that Elaine isn't Dr. Fenton, but the only way I know that is because of a pronoun reference to Dr. Fenton as a "him". For a moment, though, I had the rather odd impression that she was Fenton (well, technically she is) and Alex was being rather neurotic about separating his business and personal affairs.

quote:

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Alex stared at the two reports on the computer screen. He couldn’t believe what he saw; the deleted receiving report he had recovered did not agree with the current version. “A mistake?” he wondered. “Unlikely. And if it’s not a mistake, then someone at a very high level is exploiting the project.” For a moment he suspected Dr. Fenton himself but dismissed the idea as ludicrous. No one was more dedicated to the Aquarius Project than its founder.

He knew he had to consult with Dr. Fenton about the discrepancy instead of speculating on such absurdities. “I’ll tell him at dinner tonight,” he thought, “if I can get him alone.”

When his buzzer rang, he closed the documents and went to the

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What do you think of the contraciton in the narration (couldn't), and the use of a semicolon instead of a period?

(Edited to remove >13 lines)