posted
I have completed a solid draft of this novel, coming in at 160K+ words by machine count. Perhaps as many as 220k by publishers method.
The following is from the prologue.
Mar gasped as his knee struck an unseen log. The shock broke his rhythm and he foundered, sinking. Freezing water filled his mouth, but a desperate kick brought his head back above the surface. Choking, he sucked air hoarsely as the current pushed him along. His arms were leaden, his legs and feet numb. Blearily, he searched through the dark ahead. He could not tell where the bank was, could not guess how much farther he had to go. Only the great bridge downstream, fully lit with the torches of the searchers, was certain. He was nearer it by half since his last look. Too weary for an overhand stroke, he arced his body and swept his arms in a steady crawl. He had no strength left, just will, and that nearly exhausted. But he pressed on.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 12, 2006).]
posted
The description is careful but I still don't know where he is or what he's doing. The info is drowned by the colorfull verbs and modifiers. It's not the verb's fault, most of them are nice, used carefully and with breathing space in between. Give me real-life nouns that tell me the particulars of the place.
Posts: 507 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
I could follow it. I couldn't care yet, because I don't know anything about Mar, whether the searchers want to kill him, jail him, or save him, whether he's swimming toward them or away from them, why he's in the river. If he's a Ted Bundy escaping jail, I'd be more alarmed by his escape than his drowning. If he's Albert Schweitzer, I want him saved. As it is, I just dont' know.
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posted
good so far...i am willing to keep reading and see where this is headed...I like the syntax, pace, all of it...I feel like I am in the river, but like the others said, I don't have enough yet to identify with him. We need more info from inside the POV--location, situation, etc--recognizing this is just the setup and a minimal 13 lines to boot, I would keep reading and make a better decision after your POV tells me more...good job
Posts: 29 | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
I echo what has already said about there not being enough of an established location, character, motive or context. I also echo what has been said about the pace, writing, etc. The mechanics are good, but I need more actual information. The only thing I know about Mar right now is his name.
Just one example from my reading: Until the words "but a desperate kick brought his head back above the surface" I honestly thought he had been running in a forest, hurt his leg, sank to the ground, and his face fell in a puddle of freezing water or mud or something. So, major bumpy ride for me when I had to switch to swimming in a river.
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited September 12, 2006).]
posted
This first few paragraphs of the prologue have undergone countless revisons.
I have actually agonized over how to convey in as few words as possible that Mar is swimming. My intention in the prologue has always been to be brief. Just the facts, so to speak. No exposition, some hints, a trifle of background.
For the longest time, the first sentence was "Mar lurched forward with one last desparate stroke..."
I'm not sure if this would key the reader immediately, but its clear that the current phrasing does not do the job, since I don't want any confusion whatsoever.
I think the remainder of the prologue will answer some of your questions concerning the situation and the character. Not all, of course.
If you would like to read it and comment, I would be glad to email a copy.
On the swimming, just tell us in the first line. Mar was swimming (away from/ toward) or Since his convoy was blasted apart an hour ago, Mar swam down the river hoping to avoid detection. Whatever. Just tell me in the first line that he's in the river. I can wait a bit, although not long even in a novel, for why.
Because there is no one else present, I have to presume Mar is your POV. One way to connect readers to him is to penetrate his POV. Tell us what he's thinking/feeling. Saying he desprately kicked his way back to the surface tells me something. But his consideration of whether or not to do it, why he heads towards the bridge, and how he feels about the "searchers" on it gives me some connection to him. Descriptions like "his arms were leaden, his legs and feet numb" are too remote, IMHO, unless you are in true Omni POV.
A NIT, but so be it, if his legs were numb how did he feel it when he bumped the "sunken" log? The stab of pain would be blinding. The way it is written, it sounds more inconvienent than realistic.
If you let us into his head, you'll give us a reasons to care, whether that is hoping he survives or hoping he gets caught depends on who he is.
posted
In this case, the prologue (1800 words, more or less) establishes the setting for the first chapter, but does not tell everything.
The pace of the prologue is fast by design, the intent to convey a sense of urgency, but the setting of the first chapter predetermines its pace, which is much slower.
I made a conscious decision to avoid exposition in the prologue and so restricted the description to a particular event. My goal was to tell the reader how the event came about, but nothing more.
Some, but not all, of Mar's background information is distributed through the first chapter.
As this is a novel, I feel that I have more room for character developement and think that providing Mar's entire dossier in the first few pages would be counterproductive.
That said, without revealing Mar's entire life story, the remainder of the prologue does these things:
1)explains why he is in the river, but without complete detail 2)tells who is chasing him and allows the reader to assume the motivation of the searchers. 2)introduces another major character 3)establishes the relationship between the characters
[This message has been edited by Rhynedahll (edited September 13, 2006).]
posted
You are waiting too late to get across some critical information.
While not everything has to be disclosed in the first 13, some things are a must. I need a reason to care. While I am sure the reasons for Mar to be in a freezing cold river are compelling, all I have right now is some idiot pushing himself to exhaustion in a river. I have no reason to care if he lives or dies. If you don't tell me more in the first 13, you don't get off the slush pile.
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