Clover can tell by the man's walk that he isn't a customer. Long strides: the confident swagger of a person who knows where he's going. A man who has no use for a golden arm.

"What you figure? Five-oh?" Rondel says. Two weeks working the package and the boy's instincts still aren't where they ought to be.

"Nah," Clover says. "Look at his shoes." They're worn, caked with the same dirt that lines every back street of Detroit. Cops going for buys most times put on the rattiest gear they can find, but blow it all by asking for an eight-ball wearing sneakers that look like they came straight from the factory.

> A man who has no use for a golden arm.

I don't know if this is a figure of speech or a real golden arm. If the former, I don't know what it means. If the latter, I don't understand why Rondel and Clover aren't noticing it.

> Two weeks working the package

I don't know what this means.

> Cops going for buys most times put on the rattiest gear they can find, but blow
> it all by asking for an eight-ball wearing sneakers that look like they came
> straight from the factory.

I really struggled to parse this sentence, especially beginning. I think I eventually figured out it menas that cops who are going for "buys", which must be a plural noun (an event, like a drug buy?) rather than a verb, wear poor clothing but ask for <<>> wearing new sneakers, and that gives them away. (Not sure what an eight-ball is: a drug?) Restructuring lightly to "When cops go for buys, most times they..." might help.

I might not be your target audience, but I had to work pretty hard to get what I got -- what I think I got -- out of this.

The man is the focus of attention here.

"What you figure? Five-oh?" Rondel says.

I immediately assume that Rondel is he man.

Two weeks working the package and the boy's instincts still aren't where they ought to be.

Now I'm confused. What boy? Ah! the boy is not the man, and because you say "the" boy, he must have been mentioned before ... so Rondel is a boy.

"Nah," Clover says. "Look at his shoes."

Yeuh. Now that's clear. Clover and the boy are looking at the man.

They're worn, caked with the same dirt that lines every back street of Detroit. Cops going for buys most times put on the rattiest gear they can find, but blow it all by asking for an eight-ball wearing sneakers that look like they came straight from the factory.

So he's not a cop, and Clover and the boy are probably in an illegal business.

Of course, sometimes people use different handles for the same person -- the classic opener about Captain James Anderson: "The captain stood on the deck. James wondered why the Jolly Roger was down. 'Anderson,' the first mate cried..." But you didn't do that much, and the one place you did worked for me. I didn't even notice it.

is it the same there?

I liked it Swimming bird. I want to know who the guy is.

Only confusion: if its not a customer and not a cop who is he? In this case, the confusion is good.

Reading about cops and eightballs a little later on (and Detroit, of course ) put me right on track for the story. At least I hope so - only thing that would put me off at this moment would be if this would turn out NOT to be a gritty story of drugs and crime and violence and suchlike.

e.g.,

"What you figure, five-oh?"

"Five-oh? Nah, he's no cop." ...

kind of stuff, just a bit more direct than what you've done, until the reader gets oriented.

More of a nit: I've never been to Detroit and maybe it's unique among big cities, but I have a hard time envisioning shoes caked with dirt from walking the streets. Dirty and worn, yes. But "caked" makes it sound like he's been walking a freshly plowed field on a rainy day. You could chalk it up to hyperbole, but in the context of street hoods and their survival skills, a more objective assessment might be worth considering. Now, if Detroit is really a muddy place, ignore this paragraph.

Good Luck!

I would be disappointed if it doesn't turn out to be a story about drugs and violence, though, or perhaps getting OUT of drugs and violence, like getting out of Detroit.

With the exception of the "golden arm" reference, I understood everything else, and the structure didn't leave me baffled. So...I dunno. I'm assuming Rondel and Clover are selling Heroin, or their boss does and they're muscle of some sort or another.

Very interesting, gets ya thinking. In most cases people try to sew suspense with confusion. In this, what's left unsaid seems appropriately unsaid and leaving you wondering, but not confused.