posted
The following's the first thirteen from an 8K sci-fi I'm writing with some dark humor elements thrown in the mix. Basic ideas what would happen if man kind died out and the rest of the planet evolved, inheriting out technology without ever having actually earned it. Just wanting to know if it's got everything a good hook needs, or if theres something missing; I'd be thankfull for any crits.
The monastery library proved so quiet Kay hadn’t heard the initial explosion, though he became aware of it soon afterward as he smelled the smoke. Cetaceans, it had to be; the bastards always did have it out for the apes; especially for those like Kay that had taken up the oath of Adam and cleaved off their tales. The closer to a human it was the more the dolphins hated it; they must have been envious of their divine beauty.
Reading could wait, kids couldn’t; he exited into the hall and began gathering up as many of the children as he could find, his first priority was to get them to safety. When he finally found them they looked more curious than worried, “Brother Kay, what’s that funny smell,” said one. “Yeah and what’s with the noise,” said another. How to handle this without making a panic...
[This message has been edited by Grand Admiral (edited October 22, 2006).]
posted
You might get us more of a hook up front by saying, when Kay became aware of the explosion, he was afraid that the children had been hurt, or he needed to evacuate them, whatever -- sentence 1. Show us up front what the danger is. (I'm all for explaining what we need of background, too, which you do.)
If the library is quiet, wouldn't that make him more likely to hear the boom? (And wouldn't hearing the boom work, in the story?)
Why are there children at a monastery?
I think my main problems are: * PLanet of the Apes, ho-hum. You can overcome this, though, just by writing well. * I can't picture the hall, and I don't know his relationship to the children, or how many there are, or any of the individuals. * He doesn't seem particularly perturbed, just more businesslike. OK, but perturbed is more exciting.
What I like: I look forward to finding out how dolphins turn terrorist!
posted
It's not bad, but you might consider telling us what Kay noticed and how he reacted instead of telling us what he _didn't_ notice and how he deduced later (though apparently not much later) what had happened. That would clean up the way you handle time in the first sentence: it "proved so quiet" (this is the way it always is), "Kay hadn't heard" (counterfactual, but if it had happened it would have completed by now), "he became aware" (normal past) "as he smelled" (simultaneous with the last past-tense thing).
In other words: Kay smelled the smoke, realized that there must have been an explosion, realized that he didn't hear the explosion, decided that it must be because he was in the library. Then he thinks about the Cetaceans.
quote:The monastery library proved so quiet Kay hadn’t heard the initial explosion, though he became aware of it soon afterward as he smelled the smoke.
If it was quiet he _would_ have heard the explosion. I think what you meant is that the monastery was well isolated from sound. Anyway, this is not your hook. In a novel it might do, although it's not ideal, but in a short I care about what Kay did or saw, not about what he didn't hear and thought about afterwards. You're kind of implying by the tone that nothing really bad happened to him at the end of the day, "hadn't heard" after all implies that the subject is still alive at this instant to tell us about it. Past simple is much more direct, effective and it leaves the reader hanging there. It feels immediate and it doesn't give the impression that the story is being told after everything occured and people are happily tucked in bed.
quote:Cetaceans, it had to be; the bastards always did have it out for the apes; especially for those like Kay that had taken up the oath of Adam and cleaved off their tales. The closer to a human it was the more the dolphins hated it; they must have been envious of their divine beauty.
This is interesting info but it should come after some kind of hook, something that will give me a reason to care. The hook is the kids. I can relate to people trying to get kids out of danger, even if they are monkeys. I think you should start your first phrase with him freaking out for the kids.
posted
I like it although I had some of the same issues others have already mentioned.
Instead of:
quote: Cetaceans, it had to be; the bastards always did have it out for the apes; especially for those like Kay that had taken up the oath of Adam and cleaved off their tales.
Why don't you tell me up front they the likely "terrorists" are dolphins? I liked the ape v. dolphin set up. I'd hope that the attacks are frequent to justify his non-emotional response to the dolphins blowing up part of the monastary that he lives in.
The kids dialog seemed a bit contrived and cliche. Wouldn't they be freaking out? Again, the emotion falls flat.
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