posted
Just finished the first draft of this. It's 1,340 words of fantasy. Not quite sure what I think of it yet, definitely one of the weirder things to emerge from my brain. Influenced by a lot of the new weird stuff I've been reading (Mieville, Vandermeer, Cisco, etc). I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts.
I take my place in the examination theater at a quarter turn after the xenith. My white hands, manicured to specification, grip the scalpel as tightly as the Patient Beetle’s pincers crush the life from its prey. Sweat spreads beneath my starched collar. Behind me, an examiner stands rod straight. His skin is stretched tight over his face, purple-thin below his eyes, his cheeks bones ready to rip through the wafer-like surface. His breath comes in staccato bursts from nostrils rimmed red by ether vapors, as is the approved style. I grasp the beetle lightly on either side of its carapace, fingers placed so as not to disturb the position of its legs.
posted
Got my attention, but I'm not sure how much was because of your writing and how much was from the initial lead-in asserting that it's weird. I get the impression that he's not in a modern-day vet school, but I also get the impression that he's doing things that are similar to what we would expect from that environment.
I think there's some tuning you can do. I'm not sure how one can breathe in staccato bursts -- it sounds like he's hyperventilating. It seems weird to talk about "ripping through a wafer", or even a wafer-like surface. "Xenith" and "cheeks bones" mark this as a first draft.
posted
I'd read on. This is an interesting start, and I have faith that I'll learn why this beetle is being disected. You haven't hidden anything from me yet. Like that.
Posts: 52 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
Your description is good, but I'd rather hear more about why the dissection of this beatle is interesting than hear about the bones in the examiner's face. This is the beginning of a short story, and not a very long one, so you need to cut to the chase and tell me what it's about.
Personally, I don't like the first person present tense thing. I find it offputting and unnecessary. But maybe you have a good story reason for it, and some editors really like unusual narrative styles (this sounds a bit like a story one might find in F&SF).
All of that said, the subject matter and title caught my interest; I'd read on just to see what you were going to do with it. But you'd better deliver soon and tell me why I should care, or I'm putting the story down.
[This message has been edited by AeroB1033 (edited October 28, 2006).]
posted
Um... I'm a little confused about the following:
Is "a quarter turn after the xenith" supposed to be a time? If so I have no idea what it corresponds to or its relation to the time I'm used to.
The beetle has prey and your character seems to watch the beetle killing said prey with great interest and great nervousness. It's also "the Patient Beetle" and I get the impression of some sort of religious significance. So is the character dissecting it? That just seems a little strange to me.
Basically I'm having trouble understanding what's happening and why, and that gives me little reason to care about it. I suppose there is a sort of suspense-generated hook in that I want to understand more. The story sounds like it would turn out interesting, but I might be basing that on you saying it's wierd. Within these lines theres more a potenctial for interesting things to come rather than anything intrinsically interesting.
Also, you didn't get inside the MC's head at all. If you're writing in first person then I'd suggest really getting inside the MC's head. At this point I'm having touble caring about the MC or the story.
posted
Thanks all for your comments! Based on what you've said plus a couple of readers that exist in RL the whole thing is going to need a bit more rewriting, to have a bit more substance added. The first 13 have changed a bit (to reveal the protagonist is on a stage with an audience for example) but I won't bother reposting until I have it a little further along. Then I'd love readers if people are still interested.
As for 1st person, prsent. That happened by accident. It does seem to be quite polarizing but it's just so damn easy to write in it. I like the immediacy it adds to events myself but I understand that a lot of people aren't so keen.
Thanks again, it's always cool to find out what other people think of the stuff that crawls out of my brain. I appreciate your time.
posted
OK, here's the current draft (4th?). A lot of the changes occur subsequent to these 13 (the ending has completely changed twice so far) which means they'll look pretty similar. Hopefully most of the typos are gone (I now know how to spell zenith). It's up to 1700 words. The title has also got a new word in it. If anyone fancies reading it I'd love to pass it on.
Notes on the Dissection of an Imaginary Beetle
The graduates enter the examination theater a quarter phial after the zenith. A quarter phial subsequent, I take my place on the stage. The specimen Imaginary Beetle is laid out before me. My white hands, manicured to specification, grip the scalpel as tightly as the beetle’s pincers crush the life from its prey. Sweat spreads beneath my starched collar.
Behind me, an examiner stands rod straight. His skin is stretched tight over his face, purple-thin below his eyes, his cheek bones poised as if to tear through the papery surface. His breath comes in staccato bursts from nostrils rimmed red by ether vapors, as is the approved style.
I grasp the beetle lightly on either side of its carapace, fingers placed so as not to disturb the position of its legs.
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