posted
This story is about a boy who makes the worst decision ever, the decision to take another life. Luckily he fails and the book covers how he got to that point, how he decided that these other people who bullied and toutured him didn't deserve to live anymore. I have no clue if I will ever be able to get it done at all good (though I really hope I can!) and so far I have just finished the first chapter and prologue.
I haven't been working on it that long, mostly prewriting stuff up until a few days ago. This is my first draft though I will be making a second one (for these chapters) soon as someone already suggested I expand more on what I have.
I am going to put the prologue here, the first chapter I think will give a false impression of what I have so far (though I have a feeling this will too. Hmmm oh well rules are rules, so I would defientally like farther advice from anyone willing. The other two questions also work, in would you want to read more and how are these 13 lines (I know my mechinics are probably bad.) Well I hope you enjoy it!
Over the past couple of months I have been called so many hateful things it would be hard for any of you to imagine. So many people think I should never be allowed to see the light of day again. Heck I have even had people begging the other kids here to shoot me and kill me. When they thought I might be tried as an adult I had a couple particularly vulgar people saying that I should get thrown in adult prison with the pedophiles, and well I think I should cut it off there. Thats why I am writing this, to set the record straight if you will. You might get done reading this and still agree with them. Certainly I went far into my abyss before it happened, and no doubt I wouldn't have cared less then if I had hit someone, though luckily for me no one was hurt,
posted
I like MC's clear attitude, but I think he's repeating himself on what he *is* telling us (that people hate him), and the one thing I really want to know -- why they hate him -- the author isn't telling.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
Oh good point, right after that he describe why, about halfway down the second page or so, maybe even a bit farther up, maybe some reordering is in the works to get it in the first page. Did I repeat it too much or are you just wondering why people hate him so much that it doesn't work for you? Also the question I am most curious about, if such a book was published, would you read it?
[This message has been edited by endersdragon (edited October 26, 2006).]
posted
I'm also inclined to agree that the piece is a bit repetitive. The clear attitude does well to set the character onto the path of truth, but it seems a rough start to say "Hey, everyone hates me" without giving a hint as to why we shouldn't jump on the bandwagon.
Also, ahem, worth mentioning that I think there's already a book called The Abyss. Also one just called Abyss (a novelization) and, ahem, I think I know who wrote it.
posted
OSC's rule (one of them, anyway) is that we should know something as soon as we need to know it to understand what's happening. In this case, I think that means, as soon as we know people hate MC, tell us why -- right then.
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posted
In response to your question endersdragon - yes, I would probably read something like that. I've been in something like the "shoes" that your main character was in. I once had a time in my life where I thought that people who bugged me should just die and leave me alone - end all the torment and harassment piled upon me that way. But I got over it. If you need help with that part of the story, give me a holler. I'll do what I can.
And question: Are you starting the story with the present then flashing back, or are you starting with the present and continuing with the present? Slightly confused. I think it's the former rather than the latter, but that's my thoughts. You've got a good (my opinion again) start here. I think (dang..."I think" over and over...hm) that this novel/book/story/whatever it ends up as will be a wake-up call for some people.
posted
Alas theres also a book called The Monster, actually a book I have read, by Walter Dean Myers, that covers pretty similiar ground though the kids innocent in that story. Oh well the title really isn't important now. And I've been through similiar things to the "protaginist" too, hints why I am writing this story. Also the fact that I don't believe kids like Andy Williams or Eric Hainstock (well at least not so far with him) should be locked away forever doesn't hurt. I will reorder it a bit later tonight and see what you guys think then. And as for the timing it starts off now with him in juvi, then it goes back to the shooting then it goes back to how he got so bad off that he had the shooting, probably talking about him as a cute little innocent kid at times, so the reader can see he wasn't always crazy.
[This message has been edited by endersdragon (edited October 27, 2006).]
posted
Okay I made the third paragraph when he is finally talking about who he is first and then kicked the other paragraphs down. Does this work better???
For the sake of this prologue I will pretend that you have no clue who I am even though I have been in the news for God knows how long now (yes I am Christian, hard to believe isn't it.) I am the legendary East High School shooter, the one that amazingly hit nothing, they never mention that I just wanted to scare people 'til I could find the people I wanted, which luckily (sortof) never happened. I am actually a pretty good shot when I want to be, and had I wanted to kill just anyone I easily could have.
Over the past couple of months I have been called so many hateful things it would be hard for any of you to imagine. So many people think I should never be allowed to see the light of day again. Heck I have even had people begging the other kids here to shoot me and kill me.
posted
You might also do better to put the piece to a more indulging air than make presumptions. As the reader will have absolutely no idea who MC really is, as they truly haven't been in the headlines all this time, letting us know that we should know, and then indulging us the information just in case, might actually flow a little better. This uses the first person narrative with a lot more acceptable voice.
quote:For the sake of this prologue I will pretend that you have no clue who I am even though I have been in the news for God knows how long now...
Might become:
quote:I've been in the headlines; my face has been framed on the evening news and cropped into political forums for months. Surely you've heard of him, the East High School Shooter. No? For your sake, let me explain.
Just a suggestion, but gives the piece a little more flesh, and enriches his personality to something more akin to what you'd hear day-to-day. Presumptuous comes across rough and grating. Indulgence will take a stronger grasp.
Also, if you're looking to actually jarr people's sense of right and wrong, make them wonder about whether this kid should be in jail or not, it might be good to study up a little on some of the great public speakers, and the different ways they use ethos, pathos, etc., to rope a crowd into agreeing. The piece can only grow from it.
posted
But this story is being written by a teen, wouldn't that make it lose a sense of its realism and "it could be your child"ism, if he starts sounding like a professional.
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posted
Well, up to you as the author to make that choice. If you think the authorial voice needs be rough, you should be able to make it work. Otherwise, you can use tools like ethos and pathos subtley, without betraying the fact that you're making a public speech in a youngster's authorial voice.
Granted, you won't want to start with "My fellow Americans" or "I have a dream," but just the act of organizing your statements into a commonly accepted order to anticipate the emotional catch required might do. If not, it won't hurt your voice as an author to simply know the order in which other writers have found success in captivating the emotions of those to whom they speak. Two cents, that's all. :P
posted
You want to see the rest of what I have so far, I would love comments on the rest of it. I am having a hard time getting enough out of it I think. So???
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