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I tried to edit this down to thirteen lines and it just seemed to whack out good parts. I guess if anyone reads it, they can decide it it was worth leaving the extra lines in.
I've got the rest of the first chapter written and some on other chapters which are out of sequence as they come to me. I would prefer to have those read through email or a discussion group or something.
“When I get my hands on you, I am going to make you eat this frog!” yelled Master Jonas. Although the hallway rang with the riotous laughter of his classmates, Darryn did not miss the tone of promise in Master Jonas‘ voice. Why had he let himself be talked into making that frog explode in the middle of their science lesson, he wondered as he ran down the hallway? A huge grin covering his face, he remembered the shocked expression on Master Jonas’ face while he was flipping his chair over backwards.
Downstairs, Lord Jarlath, had been summoned by the servants to see what the commotion was about. As Darryn rounded the corner, he smacked straight into him. “Judging by your hasty exit, I would say you know something about what is going
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 04, 2006).]
posted
You may as well chop it down to the first 13. If you don't, She will do it anyway. Them's the rules.
It's a little hard to get Darryn's feelings here. He wonders why he let himself be talked into it (well, why? Readers don't know, but Darryn does!); he sounds regretful. Scared? But he's got a big grin covering his face.
They're in a hall. Where's the frog? How close is Darryn to Jonas? Is he running away? If not, why not?
Jonas flipped his chair over bakcwards: not sure what this means, or when it took place. If it was reaction to the explosion (which btw marks Darryn as cruel), in which Jonas is in the chair while it's flipping, you could clarify it. But then we can't see Jonas's face while it happpens; you can't keep your eye on the expression of someone who's doing a flip.
You may be starting in the wrong place. If the frog incident is important, you could start with the event, which is interesting in and of itself.
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Thanks I understand what you are saying. There are some things that need to be explained and I may need to go backwards in time to do it.
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[list] [*]there's something off about starting with a guy yelling, when you then have to tell us he's yelling. perhaps tone should be established first, let us know someone's angry than have speech. [*]"tone of promise" seems like an awkward phrase, at least to me [*]now, the third sentence is the best one, and shortened slightly could have gotten me more more interested in what's coming than any of the rest of the lines you posted. just the "why had he let himself be talked into making that frog explode in the middle of their science lesson?" then on to him running, master jonas coming after him, then the yelling, cause we will expect it to be yelling now. also, i'd say no "wondering" while running. wondering is too passive for running. instead, offer us his thought, perhaps italicized, no verb connecting it to him; afterall, we will assume the thought comes from whoever is doing the action in the sentence that comes immediately before or after that thought, whether or not you tell us... most of the time, anyway [*]the exact motion of the flipping chair is odd, almost worded as if darryn, along with exploding that frog, deliberately flipped the master's chair, while i think you mean that master jonas flipped his own chair reacting to the shock of said frog [*]this is not a short story, right? so, i think you could use more of the chase before jarlath intercedes, maybe even in passing give us a little more thought from darryn about some detail as to the exploding frog and who talked him into doing it [*]all that said, the situation warrants my interest, and such a casual reference to making a frog explode makes me imagine mischief to come
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