I don't know about this piece. It reads like it was inspired by watching too much anime. I found the beginning very slow. You give us a description of scenery right off the bat, which isn't the right cup of tea I take with my crumpets.

I can't figure out the POV.

You said it's a finished story but there are some grammar errors.

I didn't have any problem with the story being set in Japan. (I don't know why this would be a problem.)

I did have some problem following. (Cf:
Just tell me http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002716.html
Why the problem with the first 13 isn't that it isn't enough http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002662.html .)

>Takeshi was the first to detect the sweet smell of the ocean.
The first of who? I don't want to have to spend any time wondering. Does the ocean smell sweet?

>A short time later he and the small group of Sugihara clansmen reached the shoreline and a small fishing village outside the seaport of Hyokawa.
What group is that? I mean, why is he with them? What's a "Sugihara clansman"? Since it's Japanese, I don't know if it's a placename, surname, or something else.

...I would agree, I'm not interested in the scenery. Thing is, I have someone named Taheshi traveling, but I don't know who he is, where he comes from, where he's going, what he's trying to accomplish, or *anything* that would explain the situation. I also don't know a reason to read further.

>Mamoru, a muscular man sporting red lacquered armor, addressed his men.
Who's the POV character? I can't tell.

>“Takeshi, Kato. Take the horses and wait in the trees. I want everyone else to follow me.”
Why? What's happening here? By this point, I'd have stopped reading.

This would work for me a lot better if it I knew whose POV we're in, why he's on this mission, why the mission was formed, and I want to know up front that they're demon-hunting. Think how this would help you build whatever mood you want, too. If we knew there was a demon about, we could be *afraid* as we enter the village, and notice it's empty, and worry that Aunt Michiko has fallen to its curse -- that sort of thing. Tension and struggle, rather than just watching events w/o understanding why they matter to MC, whoever that turns out to be.

First PoV, Take one of the characters and have them overlooking the villiage or to some extent. That would cover the PoV issue here. If you are worried about some of the details that will be lost that can be easily covered in the dialouge between the characters or you can somehow discribe what the character mentioned above sees when he studies the village.

I'm okay if you are telling this as third person Omni but I can't tell if that's your intent or if it's a 3rd limited and I just haven't met the POV/Narrator yet.

quote:

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Takeshi was the first to detect the sweet smell of the ocean.

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Related POV issue - Also I expected to be in Takeshi's POV because "sweet" is his perception. It was jolting to switch focus to Mamoru. Would the POV think of Mamoru as "a muscular man sporting red lacqured armor?" I don't know but I somehow doubt it.

There are too many names for me to keep track of in 13 lines. I have no idea what Sugihara clansmen are or what Hyokawa is.

You probably want to toggle back on the description until you answer some basis questions like, POV and what's happening.

for now, IMHO

*** [A] small fishing village outside the seaport of Hyokawa. It was more a group of heavily weathered shacks than a village. The dwellings were scattered along the upper portion of the beach and each had racks set up in front with nets and strings of fishing hooks. There were also several fishing boats pulled up the beach to a level well above the reaches of the high tide. ***
Could be shortened to:
The fishing village was no more than a group of heavily weathered shacks.

The readers will supply the nets, fishing hooks and moored boats without you having to tell them from the phrase "fishing village." You trim 68 words down to 13, which gives you time to get to your hook - the demon - within your first 13.

If your POV would assess the difficulty of the mission based on the layout, then tell me the layout as he sees it (obstacles or lines of attack).

"Takeshi, Kato. Take the horses and wait in the trees. I want everyone else to follow me.”

What horses? Who else? What trees? You probably could start with this line of dialog provided that you explain PDQ who the heck they are and what they are doing. It would get you to action and away from the static descrpition. As an example,

"Takeshi and Kato, take the horses and wait in the trees. I want everyone else to follow me,” Mamoru, the leader of the Sugihara clansman, said.

Now I know they are a bunch of warriors about to attack something. The next line could be a warning about the demon or something to tell me why they are attacking the fishing village.

Also, "everyone else" sounded stilted to me. Try reading it out loud, which is the best way to see if your dialog is working. "The rest of you" might work better. But that's a style issue so feel free to ignore my suggestion.

I liked the hook but there wasn't enough of it in the 13. Good luck on the edits!

I just wanted to throw in my two cents saying that I had no problem with this opening at all. In fact, I liked it. We're not deep inside somebody's POV, but I don't have a problem with that. Maybe this isn't that kind of story. Or maybe it is, and we just haven't gotten there yet. Whatever, it's your choice as the author, and I really can't judge whether it was a good choice or a bad choice without reading the whole story. As it stands, I like the beginning. Your prose is a pleasure to read.

I do also have to agree, though, as someone who grew up on the shore, the smell of the ocean is anything but sweet.