*
From the vantage point of a rugged cliff, Takeshi stared down at the fishing village dotting the white sand beach. At any other time, he probably would have marveled at the beauty of the sea, but not today. The only thing on his mind was the village and what it may hold. There was a good chance the beach below would be the site of his first battle with a supernatural beast and he was eager to put his years of martial training to the test.

I no longer find it as confusing. There's still some ordering problems: Takeshi stared (why?). He isn't marveling at the beauty (why?). The only thing on his mind was the village (why?), and what it may hold (what?). Later on I find he's not alone. I'd rather find out that he's demon hunting; in a team; then get the details of the village.

I agree with the others that it feels like he's alone at first, and that he seems to feel like this is a sporting event.

On the latter point: he's "eager", but I can't tell whether I should dislike his arrogance, or feel sorry for his naivete, or exactly what. I feel like you might have a character story brewing in here, but I can't see the character well enough. (And if you're really trying to write an action story, maybe you need to start with action rather than anticipation.)

You can probably cut a lot. One example: "From the vantage point of a rugged cliff, Takeshi stared down at..." can become "Takeshi stared down from the rugged cliff toward..." (8 words vs. 12). There are more, and I'll show you what I mean if you like. Cutting 25% or so will increase the pace.

You might consider rewording some of the sentences with "to be" verbs (about 30% of your total right now).

Your POV seems more-or-less omniscient. "At any other time, he probably..." is borderline third-person limited, but add to it "The only thing on his mind was..." and you've suddenly got a combination that can't be from Takeshi's perspective. (I suppose it _could_, but it's a stretch; if the only thing on his mind was the village, he wouldn't be thinking about how he would normally marvel at the beauty of the sea.) You could plant yourself more solidly in 3rd-person limited by making Takeshi "ignore" the sea's beauty -- an active way of not marveling -- and "concentrate" on the village.

This wasn't a major issue for me, but I noticed it. Whether I would have noticed it if I weren't in "critique mode" is another question.

Okay, I have a better sense of where I am but you still dwell too long on things that don't hook me. Takeshi is a bit two dimensional. The only thing I know about him is that he's a bit stupid or very niave and young. He notices the beauty of the setting even if he doesn't "marvel" at it and he wants to rush into his first engagement with a "supernatural beast."

Tell me the beast is a demon when you first mention it. Cut to the chase. I have no sense of worry or anything other than bravado.

What I want/need to know:

1)Who is with Takeshi?
2) what are they doing?
3) what are they going to fight?
4) what does Takeshi feel about this?

Show me he's eager don't tell me. Is he fiddling with his reigns? Is he rebuked by an older demon slayer? Does he whistle? Does sweat trickled between red lacquired breast plates? What?

Just goes to show, you can't please all the people all the time.

Thanks for all the great feedback. Now that I have some first impression critiques, I want to share more of the story to show what it is I am trying to set up. The setting is a fantasy world based on feudal Japan (I really enjoy Japanese history, and Chinese and Japanese mythology). I intended the story to be in third-person, but I guess I still need more practice (Damn ten years of writing scientific reports ). This is a character story about the foolishness of youth; hence, Takeshi thinks he’s invincible (‘It can’t happen to me.’). I am by no means trying to preach to anyone, I just want to tell a story about the realization that some young people have when it becomes chillingly apparent that they are not invincible (I know the incident that showed me my mortality was rather jarring). This is why Takeshi appears to be arrogant and too eager to fight.

As for some specific responses;
*I couldn’t figure out how to point out that Takeshi wasn’t alone in the first paragraph without messing with the POV.
*The ‘sweet’ smell of the ocean from the first version might be better described as ‘sickly sweet’, like coastlines that have a lot of upwelling. Then again, maybe it was just a crappy description.
*It seems to be really difficult to give everyone what he or she want in 13 lines and have it make any sense. Who is Takeshi? Where is he? Why is he there? What is he fighting? Why does the reader care?

All this feedback is great and really makes me think about my writing, and the fact that it still needs a lot of work. *sigh*

odd detail some might not mind, but in a world where there are "veteran demon slayers" they would probably not have a word like "supernatural"

and, that last sentence--"They had traveled to this remote area of the Muroki Kingdom to dispatch a roving Samebito killing the local fishermen"--seems almost too direct, not fitting too well with the rest. perhaps you could go with something about the samebito killing the fishermen in more detail, tying it gradually into the travel. this sentence has too much to do and does it too plainly

Maybe. I'm not published yet, either.

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*I couldn’t figure out how to point out that Takeshi wasn’t alone in the first paragraph without messing with the POV.

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How about something like this?

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Takeshi stared down from the rugged cliff, examining the little fishing village on the white sand beach. He ignored the beauty of the sea, the grumbling of his nine companions, the heat of the sun: everything but the village, and the Samebito demon that hid inside.

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I hope that shows a principle that you can use. It's not the best it could be, for several reasons:

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Who is Takeshi? Where is he? Why is he there? What is he fighting? Why does the reader care?

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These questions don't need to be answered in detail in the first 13. It's enough for me to know that Takeshi is a warrior and on his first mission to slay a demon. Oliver's suggestion answers all five questions in two sentance and the best part about it is that his suggestion is only one possible way to do it.

If you sink into Takeshi's head a bit more some of the questions are going to get answered naturally based on his impressions. If this is his first campaign ALL he's going to be thinking about is it.

Make me feel invincible with Takeshi. Maybe the veterans are muttering about how difficult this demon could be while Takeshi is thinking "school book" i.e. "We ride in and cut its head off. Simple. What are they worried about?" He's going to be looking at the houses and trying to figure out where the demon is. He's also going to be annoyed that he has to sit up here with the horses while the other 7 dispatch the demon. If he is annoyed, letting me know this is going to be important especially if he's going to ingore orders and try to take the demon on v. being in its way when it flees the others.

As an example, I have a POV in my WIP that's a spy. She notices details: what a person is wearing; the room; threats and; possible escapes. In her POV the reader gets a detailed description of people and such. A different MC doesn't notice things like that (he's much more "self" centered in his world view. So, while she can tell me the gems in the dress are diamonds and emeralds, he'd only notice they flashed white and green.

You have the start of a great story. We like it or we wouldn't bother investing so much time in the feedback. Try to strip down what you have to its essential elements. What do we need to know?
We need to know:

1) Takeshi is part of a group of demon slayers
2) They are about to tackle one that's hiding in a fishing village
3) He's young, inexperienced and gun-ho
4) Takeshi is the POV.

That's it. You can do #3 by his perceptions or by having a line of dialog where he is rebuked for his impatience or whatever.

The urgency in the first 13 is not to explain the whole story. It's to explain what's going on at that very moment (and make us want to read on). Consider the difference in

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Charles stared down the road outside the diner. No one was coming. He took out his cell phone, then put it back in his pocket and went back inside.

The game was on: the Dodgers, 15-12...

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and

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Charles stared down the road outside the diner. Deanna should have been here by now. Had her husband Tom found out about the two of them? He had a horrible temper. Charles had many times been tempted just to break it off, before the worst happened...

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You could get a couple pages or even a chapter out of the conflict on how best to handle the demons by itself.

Back when Piers Anthony was writing fun stuff and before he got weird and strange (and librarians pulled his books) he made the statement "The threat of a dragon is better than the dragon itself in creating suspense."

In other words these men's arguments could really build some suspense about the demon. Plus it would give us a great intro to their methods and characters. It wouldn't be in the first thirteen lines of but you could lead up to it.

Just a thought
JB Skaggs

But I wanted to read more from this 13.