But my Abuelita, my grandma, had that serious look she only wore when she was frightened or upset about something. Like when I was much younger, and stuffed raw pinto beans up my nose. When I went inside our house to tell my Abuelita I was the bean stuffing champion she got that same look she had on now. Then she went into a fit of crossing herself, and screaming for neighbors to come help her take the beans out of my nose before they sprouted and I ended up with a nose bigger than Señor Juan down the street.

But now my Abuelita was silent. She had even stopped craning her neck to look for the Nice Lady. She was motionless, her big

[This message has been edited by Lovetowrite (edited November 12, 2006).]

The main thing I want to know -- as soon as it's mentioned -- is, who's the Nice Lady? The rest doesn't matter so much (except relationship to grandma).

I want to know where they are (outdoors at a fair? coming home from somewhere?).

I was puzzled by Abuelita's reaction to the pinto beans. I don't know if this means she's crazy, or what.

[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited November 13, 2006).]

You could chop off that last bean sentence and it would have felt just right to me. It was at that point that I was mentally expecting things to get back to the story at hand, therefore I mentally read that it was so, then surprised that we were still talking about the beans.

“Where is she, Abuelita?” I asked. I stomped my feet, trying to stay warm in the cold night. “Where's the Nice Lady?”

a simple change in punctuation and, at least in my opinion, it flow better

the imagery in the beat stuffing description is nice and evocative

"But my Abuelita, my grandma, had that serious look she only wore when she was frightened or upset about something."

For me the ending would be better if it read:

"My Abuelita, my grandma, had that serious look she wears when she is upset."

It's a little more concrete and less wordy and I like my narration to be concrete. I too sometimes struggle with being concrete- I think English speakers really don't like to say what we mean. We prefer people to guess. For example you might think "I do not wish to go out with you. Ever." But you say "I'm sorry maybe some other time." The actual meaning is left to the hearer to figure out for himself. You hear people say "Can't she just take a hint?"

Well the problem with that is for the most part readers do not want to take a hint they want to be told what is happening and why. (Except of course for secrets or mysteries). Much of my own rewriting is going back and eliminating any wishy washiness on the part of my narrator.

For a year my wife and I had published a fiction magazine and we had to read dozens of stories a day, seven days a week. Your intro is better than 80% of what we recieved (sometimes from published writers.) If I picked this book up I would be hooked to read a little more. The majority of the books I pick up, I don't get past the first paragraph before I put it down.