posted
I have several 'works in progress,' but this is the first time I've posted. (shy) Here are the first 13 lines of a short story about Time Travel. It's a little odd because its written as a lecture, but most shorts are odd...I like to hear some feedback about the approach.
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The main problem with time travel isn’t, as one would think, the mind-boggling physics or relativity equations. The real problem is simply that of matter displacement. For if you decide to cruise back to 1904 to see the great earthquake in San Francisco there are already some nice molecules occupying the spot where you want to go. Even air molecules, which most people dismiss, are matter. That’s why the time portal was built in outer space; way less particles out there. It was built on the dark side of the moon for a completely different reason.
The first time travelers were not explorers, as most people think. They were engineers and the first thing they did was to build the return portal. Being clever they built it where no one would see it until 1968.
posted
I like the clarity. (Except that part where you tease us with the "completely different reason" for the dark side of the moon. It's forgiveable if you have good reason, but if you just wanted to tell us on the next page, I don't like it.)
Thing is, you're telling us not about characters (which we could care about) or real-world ideas (rarer, but it *can* work), but details of a nonexistent device. Thing is, it's a *device*: it's something there so you can tell a story, not, I think, an end in itself. Probably the thing to do is to start with the main character and his struggle, whatever it is. As it is, I'm not hooked.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited November 15, 2006).]
posted
I understand this is supposed to be a lecture but I was not hooked either.
This writing is fine later in the opening not in the first 13. As Briggs pointed out and I am rephrasing; this is a mini info dump. The info is good, concise and needed but a little later on in the text. And what one might expect in a lecture. But as a reader why do I care to hear an imaginary lecture or a real one for that fact? Therefore make me care to want to hear this lecture. Is the speaker going to be assinated for his speech? Will he lose his job? Will this speech make his beautiful and charming co-writer finally accept him as a lover? So on and so forth.
Can you open up with the main character or villian, threat whatever or a solid and gripping stage setting for the delivery of the lecture?
I personally have to speak to large groups usually once a week (though not now as much as I used to). Just as in writing a lecturer (sp?) must hook his audience or they immediately tune him out. The drier the subject the more important the hook. I have actually heard lectures on the geneologies listed in Book of Genesis that were gripping! And I have heard lectures on Ghettysburg that were so dry they jerkied my eyes! Content alone does not make the topic gripping. The speaker really put thought into the presentation not just the needed info.
I guess what I am saying is that a infodump is like cooking: it needs a little sugar or a little spice to make it delicious.
I like the style though, I just think it needs to come after you've hooked us. I love the displacement of matter theory.
JB Skaggs
[This message has been edited by JBSkaggs (edited November 15, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by JBSkaggs (edited November 15, 2006).]
posted
These comments make a lot of sense. Maybe the resason this short story is nagging me so much (I keep coming back to it) is because it should fit into a larger story. I think I need begin the process of expanding this to a larger story with some more traditional elements.
posted
Yeah, I definitely would not read a lecture for entertainment. I skip a lot of lectures in college, and I'm paying a lot of money for them. The fact is, a lecture is something most people only listen to when they're forced to.
I would definitely agree that the ideas should be worked into a story. The problem is not that your story is non-traditional. The problem is that it's not a story at all.
There is a reason lectures are used as a form of punishment for children. They're not fun.
posted
I liked the opening – the first paragraph, but I think after you have brought up this one idea – matter displacement – you should bring in something to relate to that instead of going on with more info. Show something happening. Maybe end with the line “are matter.” Show something then bring in the next topic after you’ve introduced you MC (if this is a short story).
As in – Even air molecules, which most people dismiss, are matter. That’s why MC …(did something or said something)
But opening with a short, interesting bit of narrative -- that works okay for me.
posted
> It was built on the dark side of the moon
What you mean is the "far side of the moon," the part of the moon that is permanently facing away from Earth. It goes through the same cycle of light and dark as the side facing Earth does (with occasional exceptions due to lunar eclipses), so it's not really accurate to call it the dark side.
posted
I wonder whether the story/lecture revolves around what happened in 1968, perhaps with an amusing "moral" about the reliability of history, the stability of the time-stream, or both. If there is an interesting story in this lecture, and it has something to do with events on the far side of the moon in 1968, then I think you could have a pretty good start here. But if the lecture is not dominated by a story, then it won't make a very good short story.
On the other hand, there are some science/terminology issues. For instance, I felt the location of the portal is a little unclear. From your statements, I could construe it as being on the Lunar surface or at the Lunar L2 point. I would lean towards the Lunar L2 point, since that would seem to make a good deal more sense given what you're saying...but many readers would probably interpret it as being on the Lunar surface.
posted
aside from being a little... coy with the "different reason" bit, i thought this was a great opening, clever (and original) enough that it doesn't matter how much of a conflict it's setting up (or, rather, not setting up)
posted
Wow, this is some great feedback. As the short story unfolds it becomes obvious that its a company pitchman giving a set of prospective time buyers the schtick on the portal. Its like an edutainment infomercial from the future. But I agree that it probably fits into a later part of a story about one of the travelers and their adventures in the past. [In 1968 to Survivor]
'Far side' is definately the better and more correct reference. No more Pink Floyd for me thanks, I'm full. [Thanks EricJamesStone]
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