posted
First thirteen lines. Critiques appreciated. Anyone willing to read the rest (4000ish words) would be much appreciated. Thanks so much everybody.
Evie looked at her husband, squeezing her hands together tightly. Mada could tell, without even glancing over, that she was agitated. A dirty, lazy light poured in through their apartment window, illuminating floating dust particles. The small fan in the corner rattled, stirring dead air. Her eyes sat heavily on him, but he wasn’t going to surrender. She sighed loudly and said, “Mada, come on. We should do something. You’ve been waiting for them to call for three days. You have to do something. Please, I can’t stand this.” He bit his lip, choking back his frustration. Slowly he said, “I can’t. They said, once we arrived, I needed to wait by the phone. You know this. We’ve been over it a thousand times already. Why don’t you go for a walk? You don’t need me.”
posted
Which person are you telling the story through? We start with Evie but hear Mada's thoughts. It might be in my opinion better to start with and stick with the main character. Many publishers do not like to jump between points of view in the same scene.
The first 13 here does create a tension of wanting to know who is calling and why.
posted
First nit is that eyes don't "sit" on someone (Her eyes sat on him....) They may look, gaze or stare at someone. More appropriate wording would be: "She stared at him for a long time."
You have created a bit of a mystery with your opening, but with too much detail on the surroundings and not enough on the characters and why they are sitting in a dingy apartment staring at a telephone. More who and why up front is a stronger hook, then offer details about the surroundings.
posted
The story is told from Evie's viewpoint. The beginning did feel a little odd, and I couldn't place why. Sorry. I'm kind of new to this. I'll switch it around, so the details follow the story. And lastly, the mystery kind of is the story. It is revealed soon as events unfold, moving into the real bulk of the story. The phone call is just secondary. It is too boring? I mean, the phone call mystery is answered in a short while, but I was using it to create tension. Is that bad? I mean, it doesn't last forever...just a short while. I read that post (thank you wbriggs) on keeping secrets, and it still doesn't seem like it's in the banned and bad. Just unconventional. Is there more reasons for not doing it that I haven't grasped?
Thanks for the input!!! More is welcome, if you have it!
posted
Okay, so now that I've thought about it more, you're right. If I write it well, I don't need to keep it a secret from the reader. Sorry. I think I fixed it. I'll repost it in a little while. (I think I need to stare at it some more). Thanks again.
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