posted
Here is the first 15 (I dont like cutting off in the middle of dialouge) lines of a story that I'm starting to write.
Basically, its a much of quasi-celtic clans fighting eachother. I have these two brothers, one who buys into the war, one who does not, and thier conflict is the majority of the story so far. anyways:
The sea spray skittered across the sleek ship's deck. Alasdair Ráichéal held his footing easily at the bow of the ship. He had been born in the north, aboard this very ship, during a windy moonlight night not unlike this one. Or that was what his father claimed. Just off their port sailed the flagship of the Síleas sept. And for once, they were not trying to board and fight with each other. Alasdair and his brother Seumas lost four good cousins the first time they got this close to the Síleas flagship.
“I don’t trust him,” said Seumas, “Kenneth Fáelán is too clever by far to enter into a plot like this with us.”
“Kenneth Síleas Fáelán is forty years old. He’s clever enough not to backstab us when we are just as useful to him as he is to us. Besides, he has his own score to settle.”
[This message has been edited by Sick Bed of Cuchulainn (edited November 21, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 21, 2006).]
posted
This is pretty good. I think maybe a little more description of the sea/ship environment. after<Alasdair Ráichéal held his footing easily at the bow of the ship> Something like: He was as at home on the sea as other men were on land. It gives you a little more reason for the<He had been born in the north, aboard this very ship, during a windy moonlight night not unlike this one.>
posted
More description, but my big thing is, it seems unreal for them to always use first and last name. If they do that is VERY unusual. I don't really know where I am or what I'm looking at. Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
I think it's a good start and I'm curious enough to keep reading from this portion. However, I agree with another poster about the names.
Is Faelan a title like 'chief'? Because you have 'the Sileas sept', then later 'Kenneth Sileas Faelan'. So now I'm questioning whether or not Sileas is the clan name or is it the Sileas sept of the Faelan clan? This really bogged me down when I read it.
I'm also unsure who the second piece of dialogue belongs to. I assume it's Alasdair, but as a reader I want the comfort of being told right up front, then you can let them banter back and forth
[This message has been edited by Hakaisha (edited November 21, 2006).]
posted
I felt like you were going off on a lot of tangents, it made it hard to stay with the story. There are also some wording issues, and the names are pretty difficult to track.
My guess is that you're trying to put too much into your opening. It's more important that the opening make sense than that it accomplish whatever you're trying to accomplish here.
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