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You begin, “As was common practice in nearly any realm where magic had taken hold…” I almost took this to read, “Just like in every other story with magic in it…”

You then go on to say, “Kirganthis was no different.” Then why should I care about him/her/it (is this a place or a person. This should be clear.)?

But I’m sure your story is unique, with unique characters and events. I think that’s what you should let us see in the beginning. And is a prologue really necessary here? The idea of a magic school isn’t so hard to grok. This could easily be picked up in the prose. And if you must talk about this magic school in the onset, then tell us what’s so interesting about it and why it differs from say, Hogwarts or Earthsea’s Wizard School?

You hint at a well crafted and well thought out world in your prologue. But it’s only the slightest of hints. If you must stick with a prologue, I would like your world to really shine here. I want to see it crystal clear in my minds eye. I want to look forward to immersing myself in its vibrant cultures and customs. Or I want to know why your protag is so special? Why I should take the time get to know him/her? I want to know why I should read 70,000 + words about his/her life story.

I know it’s a Novel so you have a bit more liberty in getting to the hook. But as it stands, there’s nothing here to hook me.

Also, the language doesn’t do it for me. Instead of sounding archaic it just sounds stilted and awkward. I would not look forward to reading 70,000 words of the same.

I’m almost certain you have a good work on your hands, it just does not show in these 13 lines.

But also it's that you're describing a schedule of examinations, which isn't the most interesting topic.

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As was common practice in nearly any realm where magic had taken hold, a process developed over time in where those with the talent for the arcane were found, and in turn trained to use their powers “correctly”.

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This is virtually a tautology as far as I can tell. What else does it mean for magic to "take hold" in a realm other than that the instruction becomes institutionalized so that you have a reliable supply of mages?

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...they were to be evaluated, not only for their potential, but their inherent magical power as well.

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Okay, how does "inherent magical power" differ from "potential" in this usage? I'm almost certain anyone would read those as meaning something like innate talent for magic.

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Boys and girls, noble and common alike, all went through the same procedure, most families willingly putting their children through the rigors of the Tests

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Here you do something interesting, but I'm not sure you do so intentionally. You say that everyone went through the tests, and most did so with the cooperation of their family. Given the rather silly tautology and redundancy preceding this, it is far from clear whether it is your intent to emphasize by contrast that some families were forced to allow their children to be tested under duress.

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Amusingly, the "hook" so to speak in the prologue happens right after the 13-line fragment, that's just the intro of it, so to speak, which is why it may not make immediate sense what's going on or if it's hopefully worth reading further...

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Terloch, your "13 lines" are actually only 11 lines (see, people, I do let you know if you can post more of your manuscript as well as cutting you off when you post too much).

If your hook is right after what you posted, you can add a couple more lines to include it. Just click on the little pencil and paper icon (the one furthest from your name) and you will see a dialog box in which you can edit your post.

I don't think the 12th or 13th lines will help win me over. Did you say this is a prologue? Even so, some of the best prologues i've read are action packed. This is all intellectual explanation and very passive. The information you offer here can be brought out in your story. My advice would be to put the reader right into the thick of things from word one. Open the story in a classroom of very nervous, potential students taking this prestigious test. Maybe the proctor makes an announcement that he will not waste his time or their parents time (or money) with goof offs or cheaters. This shows how serious the matter is. Show us. Put us IN the story. Then zero in on your protagonist. The details will work themselves in.

This sentence doesn't really flow well for me. I think you can do without the 'in' in 'in where those'. Also, it would probably help to split this into two sentences.

The main story is that child as an adult, thus the reason behind the prologue.

Any suggestions for making this not so coy and predictable are welcome, I will happily re-write...

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When John was eight summers old, his older brother Thomas passed the king's examination for magical ability. Thomas went away to the capital to study, and John never saw him again.

Now they wanted to test John's son William.

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Boys and girls, noble and common alike, all went through the same procedure, most families willingly putting their children through the rigors of the Tests . .

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Your summary confirmed that this is where your story starts or at least one possible starting point. Start there. Don't give me a history lesson. While your voice was nice, I didn't have any faith that the story wouldn't get lost in exposition. Like Survivor, I'm hoping you intended to make the distinction and that we are going to go from there.

Also, the fact that you said "actual story" in your last post makes me wonder about the prologue. . .

Does the reader really need the prologue? While you may have needed it to understand the world, does the reader need it i.e how does it move the plot. Since many people (even those on this board) say they skip prologues, you might want to really consider if you want it. The prologue needs to be part of the story even if the reader doesn't understand how it fits right away, if not you might lose more readers than you gain by having one.

Another way of handling it is to show what the father does to keep the child from being tested. An overheard discussion between the parents about the testing doesn't seem to be the most compelling way to engage a reader. I might give up on the story if the prologue was too much of an info dump or very long.

That being said, how long is the prologue?

Edit - must remember how to do quotes!

There is only one legitimate way to make an opening really hard to figure out...come up with a genuinely novel concept. In that case, you would be working your butt off to make it as accessable as possible so that at least a few of your readers could figure out the story you're telling. And you would fail, which would be crappy and disheartening.

I'm getting the idea that the fantasy writers here believe they need a fairy tale or mythic prologue or beginning for chapter one. You may shoot me down in flames, but I don't agree. I think this approach is totally boring to get dragged through several pages of history before the story begins. Save the telling for your character's inner dialogue or other narrative segues.

Someone please remind me what Bilbo Baggins was doing as The Hobbit opens on the first page. Wasn't he doing something, or did Tolkien narrate the history of Middle Earth? Wasn't Bilbo fuming inside his house, looking for the ring he'd lost again? I can't remember for sure. I read it 36 years ago. I also remember the habits of hobbits in the beginning.

Thanks

The thing is, Tolkien's concept of hobbits really was extraordinary. They were "little people" of a sort, but completely unmagical, actually more prosaic than humans. Bilbo is a middle-aged bachelor with zero inclinations towards adventure (or confrontation, a trait that Gandalf exploits rather handily). I'm sure that the sheer novelty of the idea (at the time) was a big part of the attraction. And it probably did require careful explanation, even today I think that you'd have to make it very clear if you wanted to say that your fantasy hero wasn't going to develop any magic powers along the way.

At any rate, the key to all this prologue thing, I think, is to give the reader plenty of active visuals. I believe Tolkien did that. Wordiness and intellectualizing for no apparent purpose makes me crazy. (Or is it just too late here and I'm crabby?) I remember when i wrote for my high school newspaper, I thought I was hot stuff when i could make a sentence as long as possible, something like a Hemmingway marathon, one phrase after another connected with commas and semicolons. I read these wonderous concoctions a few years later and realized how boring my pieces were. When I learned visuals, rhythm and pacing, my work became more dynamic and a much better read. I'm no Tolkien, by any means. I wouldn't even want to write that. . . too tiring. But I really think that when setting and history are needed, it's got to be done with active visuals in a unique voice.