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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Magic & Steel (2000 +, Fantasy)

Author Topic: Magic & Steel (2000 +, Fantasy)
Member # 3552

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Good hook, interesting?? This is a story where two characters lives will tie in/meet..2000 words so far.

The power coursed through his body, electrified his mind and for the first time in his life, Delvin felt joy. It was the magic of course, he stretched his long thin arms towards an ancient tree; arcs of red energy struck it. Flames engulfed the tree and Delvin’s dark eyes glittered. Then the seducing might of the magic dissipated and Delvin collapsed. His frail body bent and his chest heaving, he remembered the taunts as a child and his anger grew – no more, he swore to himself, never again will I cower in fear – they all shall feel the fires in my heart. He shakily stood and watched the fire consume the tree, he smiled when the flames spread. He returned to the road and headed for the Keep of Thalos.
Belan cowered inside the tiny closet of his home; he hid from

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 18, 2007).]

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Member # 4677

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I like it. Pretty vivid.

I strongly suggest a hiatus (four white spaces) separating the POV shift. Otherwise it's confusing.

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Member # 3916

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Aside from some punctuation and grammar issues, I thought it was quite interesting.

Part of what intrigues me is finding out whether Delvin uses the magic for good or evil, given his seeming desire for revenge.

Belan seems like a copy of Delvin though (the whole cowering in fear they both did/do). So I'm not sure if Belan is going to be different/unique, or just a copy.

I'd definitely keep reading.

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