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09/11/2009 - Memorandum for Deputy Director
For years they had wondered where exactly they fit in the chaotic scheme of things. Many of them were way past the "Indigo Children" myth, knowing fully well they simply had a gift, which often presented itself as a heavy cross to bear.
These despicable individuals, I tell you, have not an iota of how powerful a mechanism they have for a mind. But they have egos like anyone else, and these sometimes act against their forming fellowships.
The LLIs, as we shall call them from now on, are nothing but trouble. Some scientist had hypothesised they actually represented a kind of evolutionary jump in the trail of the homo sapiens sapiens. Mental masturbation, of course.
LLI, Dear Sir, stands for Low Latent Inhibition. Some boys back
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 21, 2007).]
posted
I think you have an issue with the order in which the reader learns what's going on. For instance, "they" in the first paragraph is annoying -- the writer and the reader presumably know who "they" are, but I don't, so all of this dancing around "they" doesn't tell me whether they're a small band of crooks, a bunch of mutants, or whatever. Also, the first paragraph doesn't really sound like the opening to a memo.
If you just rearrange the paragraphs, you might get something better.
quote: LLI, Dear Sir, stands for Low Latent Inhibition. Some boys back in Harvard figured out that there are certain individuals who take in almost the entirety of the stimuli which sorrounds them, while their mind quietly catalogs the data, in order to some day turn it into information.
These despicable individuals, I tell you, have not an iota of how powerful a mechanism they have for a mind. But they have egos like anyone else, and these sometimes act against their forming fellowships.
For years they had wondered where exactly they fit in the chaotic scheme of things. Many of them were way past the "Indigo Children" myth, knowing fully well they simply had a gift, which often presented itself as a heavy cross to bear.
I'd edit that, of course, especially the first few sentences, but I think it proves the concept.
I suggest you say whom the memo is from: scientist? bureaucrat? deep-cover operative? Why would this person know about the "boys from Harvard" while the Deputy Director remained ignorant? Pick a title that fits, and if she's a character then give her a name as well.
That would clean up the "Just Tell Me" issue. I also suggest that this feels a bit like a summary of the backstory with some characterization thrown it. I think you could improve it by hinting at the plot. I get that they're despicable, but why? and more importantly, what threat do they pose right now? "We aren't sure why LLIs seem to be more often involved in terrorist activities, but three murders last night all had the same MO -- and LLI written all over them." Then the reader would have a sense of what the story is about.
Regards, Oliver
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 21, 2007).]
Once that order is repaired, we get to understand the text. A plus! Beyond that...it's summary. Not a crime, and if we knew who was writing this and who it was for as Oliver says, we could get some good characterization into it as well. But I suspect it's more summary than we need quite yet. We might get just a little of this, and then see the first scene.
posted
Not sure where the story is going but idea (down to the name "Indigo Children") seems to be taken from Stephen Baxter's Manifold:Time novel which is populated with Blue Children who have superintelligence and dubious motivations.
Confused by the whole opening beyond that. Is this a supposed to be a copy of a memorandum? If so, it doesn't read like one at all. Also, unless this is alternate history writing using the 9/11 date with it being only 2 years in the future doesn't lend itself easily to creating myths.
posted
This is definitely not like any memo I have ever seen or heard of.
Memos don't usually explain things that would be common knowledge to the recipients. But a memo would explain a new concept or a change from the norm.
Also, a memo would give us an idea of the relationship of the sender to the receiver. This memo doesn't seem to create this relationship. At first it seemed a conversational tone, but then it changed to more formal.
It could be an interesting start to the story, though, so I look forward to a rewrite.
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