posted
Hello, Computer. This is your master speaking. What have you done in my service today?
“Master, I have been investigating possible avenues of resource investment, specifically locations with high probabilities of military success given our current and projected capabilities.” “English please, computer.” “I have been looking for places where we can go to war and win.” “Excellent. So, tell me what you found…”
“Isaacs!” “Sir?” James Isaacs froze. That tone from the boss always meant trouble.
You know those books that have like a paragraph of a different point of view at the beginning of each chapter? What is the thought on the effectiveness of these "Hook bits" for a brand new writer?
posted
Interesting, but I don't see how this fragment relates to your question. I like the idea of the fragment though, and I'd keep reading
Posts: 507 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
I was hooked and even disapointed when the boss interupted. I wanted to hear more from this computer and making war for profit.
I liked the computer saying 'we' can go to war and win.
I would like to hear more.
as to your question about different POV in the first paragraph of a chapter; I can only speak from a reader's view. when OSC did this in Ender's game with with Graff talking to, um whoever, I was just confused and annoyed for most of the novel until I finally figured out what that was all about. admitedly, I probably could have figured it out a lot sooner but as a lazy reader I didn't want to try that hard and just seen it as a slipped in prologue.
as a reader I feel the same when an author quotes Plato or the Bible at the beginning of each chapter, as if I am supposed to figure out how that quote fits into or describes that chapter. I just skip them. sometimes to my own dis-service, but reading a novel for fun is not the same as a college class, I don't want to work for it. Survivor, among others, on the other hand will probably have a totally different view because he obviously thinks about every jot and tittle he reads. just my humble opinion.
I don't like the beginning for 2 major reasons. The first is that I've got no sense of where we are, the circumstances. Obviously, you want to surprise us with the change from "master" to some guy with a boss, but you don't have to reveal that to include a line like, "Isaacs flipped on the power and waited eagerly for the computer to boot." That might not be appropriate if the computer is always on, or if it requires no boot-time, or any of a number of things that I just don't know about right now. And none of that may be important to the story, but the point is that I have NO sense of setting. I'd like a hint or two, that's all.
The second is that I'm really annoyed by the conversational style. This guy is clearly a bit wacko if he speaks to his computer this way and has taught the computer to respond in kind, unless it's just a joke, which doesn't seem to fit. (Nor would it be very funny.) Well; that's ok. But he also doesn't do it very well. Why: "Hello, computer"? Is he trying to be polite to his minion? Why: "This is your master speaking"? Is that, like, a password or something? Does the computer respond properly to anyone who says that? If the computer can tell by voiceprint or something, then there's no need for Isaacs to identify himself at all. Have the master/slave relationship come clear from the content and style of the interactions, rather than from the forms of address.
What I did like:
I liked the change from "master" to "underling" at the end. The language was better, and we get everything you're trying to say there in just a few words, without any artificial forms of address thrown in. I think this will be a good hook once you clean up the earlier paragraphs.
posted
I actually think most of you missed what I was getting at. Isaacs is not the same person as "Master." I was unfortunately restricted by the 13 line rule, I had to cut away the next two sentances which make that clear. In essence, this is one of the "Colonel Graff" pieces, an entirely different POV at the beginning of a storyline that will connect back at a later point. Master and computer are two completely separate beings from Isaacs and his boss. In other words, the very thing that intrigued most of you was a misconception that would soon clear up. It is kind of what I was afraid of. People well known, like OSC can get away with things like this, but your average joe no-name writer hasn't earned the trust of his readership well enough to pull it off. Thanks for the comments though.
Posts: 43 | Registered: Dec 2006
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posted
In that case, you want to put the first part in a different font. For this forum, I'd recommend bold. # Then put in a line with "#" on it (as above), or "* * *" if you'd prefer. Yeah, it counts as one of your 13 lines, but the clarity is worth it.
posted
You haven't met MY computer, wbriggs (chuckle). But I get you. And the ****** and font change is a good idea. Thanks guys.
Posts: 43 | Registered: Dec 2006
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