posted
This is an excerpt from my flash fiction story, "Last Marathon". I'd like to get some feedback/constructive crit. about the opening like does it whet your appetite for more, does it flow well, etc. If anyone would like to read the entire unedited piece, please e-mail me. Thanks in advance.
Bobby quickly glanced down at his watch as he passed the nineteen mile marker, and let out a heavy sigh. He was behind again by a good forty-five seconds, but failure never crossed his mind. There were still a lot of miles to cover, and the marathon was not over, not by a long shot. He could see the leaders ahead of him; they had gotten smaller as they pulled away, but not so small that he would give up hope. Behind him, the rest of the runners struggled to keep up the grueling pace. Three slightly ahead, ten-thousand way behind; Bobby knew this was a good thing, he had run marathons before.
posted
Main thing: there's no significant conflict or struggle. I'd be more hooked if Bobby were struggling. I'd still read on, though, because I'm a little interested in whether he'll win.
Nits
"let out a heavy sigh": can he do this while running? I can't.
"but failure never crossed his mind": thinking about things that he *isn't* conscious of takes us out of his POV.
"Bobby knew this was a good thing, he had run marathons before." Comma splice.
posted
The sigh did strike me as a little odd. I think also that it's a little out of character, Bobby is confident despite his slight pacing difficulty. You might find a more positive way to phrase "failure never crossed his mind."
Overall, though, it seems like an interesting opening, one that plays well off the title.
posted
It seems a little repetitive to say "there were still a lot of miles," and then say "the marathon was not over, not by a long shot". Especialy in a flash fiction piece where every word literally counts. Also the main conflict really needs to be in the first 13 of a story this short. Also you have told us nothing about the character really. OK its a he, and he is a runner. Is it his last marathon because he's old? Is that why he's behind? Give me something to hang onto.
Also everyting after the term "not by a long shot"; could come later in the story. That would give you 4 more lines in the first 13 to spell out conflict or character or whatever you need to get the story going.
Despite sounding critical I would like to read the whole piece, please e-mail it to me.
quote:Bobby quickly glanced down at his watch as he passed the nineteen mile marker, and let out a heavy sigh.
Since this is flash, you need to be economical with your words, right? How about: he sighed instead of "he let out a heavy sigh" It's shorter and it also goes better with the idea that he's running, tired and would think in short bursts of words, not so longwinded.
quote: He was behind again by a good forty-five seconds, but failure never crossed his mind.
can you cut "good"? It doesn't add much to that sentence Give up hope and failure never crossing his mind are kind of repetitious. Posts: 507 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
Thank you all for the comments, they will help me to edit the story. This was only a first draft, written in a moment of inspiration, so I didn't expect it to be great, or even good for that matter. I'll post the revised 13 lines as soon as I get them edited(working on a couple of other stories at the moment), and I would love some more feedback. Again thank you all, and thayerds, I'll e-mail you the full thing tonight.
Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2007
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