posted
Tuesday, June 19, 2007 When I imagined falling in love, this wasn’t what I pictured. As a child, I always hoped I would date someone I had grown up with. When I met Taryn however, things changed. It's ironic that when I finally fell in love, it was with an alien. “Jake, give me the ball back!” Sam, my younger brother protested. Resigned to acting as referee for my brothers again, I closed my journal, slid open the door, and walked out onto the balcony overlooking the backyard and basketball court. “Jake, leave your brother alone,” I said, my hands on my hips. “Yes, mother.” I rolled my eyes at him. Although Jake and I were twins, he sometimes regressed to the age of a five or six year old. Here's a revised version of my story beginning. Thank you again for everyone who has reviewed. I really appreciated your comments. Please tell me what you think of this new version.
Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
I never commented on your first version, but I did keep up on some of the comments, so I get what's going on with the first paragraph being a journal. I would hope that in the actual edition you have the journal paragraph is delineated a little more clearly than it is here. On a similar note, as it sits right now the journal entry is so abrupt that it almost isn't worth including. You could either expand it, or nix it entirely. Now, if you wanted to use the journal entry thing on an ongoing basis, perhaps four or five throughout the story (depending on how long the story is) that might be interesting. But, in my opinion, a short story doesn't have quite enough time to flip-flop like that through different narrative formats like this. I'd chop it unless you're married to the idea of including this element.
Actually, in this 13, as much as I commented against the journal entry, it is actually the most interesting thing going on. If you're only going to end up with 4,000 or so words (just a guess on my part) do we really have the time to watch your MC's brothers play basketball? It seems to me that the story actually starts with "it was with an alien". If you're going to kill the journal entry, then I'd start somewhere a whole lot closer to her falling for this alien. If the crux of the whole story IS her falling in love with an alien, then this journal entry completely kills any suspence we would be feeling as a reader.
Technically, I think your writing is good, I just think you need to decide how you're going to tell the story (narrative or journal), and then move as close to the action of the story as possible. With smart dialogue and some interesting interactions between your MC and this alien, you'll chew through a good number of words without all of the extra filler. And 75% of this opening is filler.
Jayson Merryfield
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited June 19, 2007).]
quote: This should be italicized, or something: Tuesday, June 19, 2007 When I imagined falling in love, this wasn’t what I pictured. As a child, I always hoped I would date someone I had grown up with. When I met Taryn however, things changed. It's ironic that when I finally fell in love, it was with an alien. [Line break, idenitfied with "###" ] “Jake, give me the ball back!” Sam, my younger brother protested. Resigned to acting as referee for my brothers again, [I closed my journal,<--This should be done WHEN she's interrupted. I've never known a girl to leave her diary opened and out in the open.] slid open the door, and walked out onto the balcony overlooking the backyard and basketball court. “Jake, leave your brother alone,” I said, my hands on my hips. “Yes, mother.” [I rolled my eyes at him.<--This makes it seem as if she's saying THIS, too.] Although Jake and I were twins, he sometimes regressed to the age of a five or six year old.
You're still killing the hook by getting us interested in the "accidentally falling in love with an alien", then not following through on it.
It's reminiscent of:
"Honey, your father and I are getting a divorce," said Mom.
I decided to get a slice of chocolate cake and go do my homework. There was a movie the guys and I wanted to see, but I didn't have the money.
posted
Have to agree with Babbler. It's kind of a jarring sequence. Her mind needs to get back to the alien quickly if that's what the story's about, or omit the journal bit if the story isn't mainly about her relationship with the alien.
Posts: 612 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
You seem to be locked in to the opening you started out with, and to resist suggestions that you cut to the chase. Why? I don't think minor changes in the basketball scene are doing to fix the fact that this is not a story about basketball.
Several of the people who comment on the story now assume that the POV character is female. The insult (mother!) could indicate that, but it could also be directed from a younger to an older brother, who was being parental when that wasn't his job. Establish the gender of your POV character right away.
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