posted
The edited first 13 are in the 15th reply waaay below.
---- What I’d like to know are: Does it have a hook? Is the genre established in this much of the story? Any volunteers to read the whole thing? It’s complete at 4700 words.
[This message has been edited by JeffBarton (edited July 04, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by JeffBarton (edited July 12, 2007).]
posted
I found the first paragraph confusing - at first two men handed a statement and gave a report,It is done, Your Excellency. They who are "they"? have been killed "...throughout the first para you write as if everyone knows who "she" is or who was killed and why...I think starting with the second para would be better and get the reader into the story right away..this is a neat hook though - "He waved a hand at the credits, then at the curtain behind me." This is where I wonder, will she follow - is this where she becomes involved with other men who died...
Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2006
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quote: The aura of both men (who? Tajmenik and the king?) glowed as Tajmenik handed over the statement and gave the report (it sounds redundant, even if it isn't), "It is done, Your Excellency. They have been killed, all but one. Zabave (who?) chose wisely (what?). The survivor was brave and loyal. She kept her silence through many cycles when they beat her and took their pleasure. She finally broke. Here is her statement. They can kill her when they wish." (First, oh, my. How is this kinda graphic episode relevant to the story? And if she 'broke' then what did she reveal? She's just letting them kill her) I am Nalica (Is she the girl previously mentioned? Was that seperate or flashback?). I was dancing for the men of Angayan. They could see my body through the veils. No one could see my aura for they had none of their own. (I'm interested now) I danced and they threw credits until I saw him standing in front of me. I did not know him, but I could see his aura and knew that he could see mine. I stopped the swirling dance and stood straight facing him. He waved a hand at the credits (?), then at the curtain behind me.
---- What I’d like to know are: Does it have a hook? Is the genre established in this much of the story? Any volunteers to read the whole thing? It’s complete at 4700 words.
Right now I'm interested, but mostly confused. Is this just a genre that I don't know about? Something with war(?) and auras. I don't know much about them, but I had the impression that they don't do much. Maybe if you made the action more clear, just her or the men, and have something really happen, it would hook me more. As it is I would read more if it was clearer.
posted
Thanks to both of you. The similar confusions pointed me right at changes. Hope they're improvements.
I've done more with the characters using the space vacated when the redundancy is removed. That was also redundant to the 'Here is her statement' and I didn't see that one either. More thanks.
The big confusion is that the first paragraph is the opening of a frame. The statement that 'she' gave under torture is framed by that paragraph and another one a few pages later. I hope moving the key sentence to last in the first paragraph clarifies. Does it?
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The aura of both men glowed as Tajmenik, secretary to the council, gave the report, "It is done, Your Excellency. They have been killed, all but one. Zabave chose the survivor wisely. She was brave, loyal and kept her silence through many cycles when they beat her and took their pleasure. She finally broke. They can kill her when they wish. Here is her statement."
I am Nalica. I was dancing for the men of Angayan. They could see my body through the veils. No one could see my aura for they had none of their own. I danced and they threw credits until I saw him standing in front of me. I did not know him, but I could see his aura and knew that he could see mine. I stopped the swirling dance and stood straight facing him. He waved a hand at the credits, then at the curtain behind me.
posted
This doesn't really work for me. The first paragraph is an infodump, "As you know, sire, here we are on the planet Trafalmadore in the year 2075 and the aliens have all surrendered except for that dratted rebel group in sector seven."
The second paragraph is too abrupt a change in POV and also seems choppy. Too many short sentences.
I suggest you pick one POV and stick to it, or else go with omniscient POV and stick to that.
This goes against some advice that I've been given (and with other advice that I've been given) but I think the first 13 should focus on establishing a vivid setting and a sympathetic character determined to do something about a serious problem. Leave the plot details for later.
posted
Okay, blow off the frame. Now there's a single POV and some activity when the next paragraph moves into the first 13.
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I am Nalica and this is my confession. I was dancing for the men of Angayan. They could see my body through the veils. No one could see my aura for they had none of their own. I danced and they threw credits until I saw him standing in front of me. I did not know him, but I could see his aura and knew that he could see mine. I stopped and stood straight facing him. He waved a hand at the credits, then at the curtain behind me.
I led him to my room upstairs. It was early and I was not expected. Another dancer was in my room taking credits from my box. She was a new dancer. The others were all afraid of me. Those who took from me were not permitted to live and so it was with this one. I seized her heart and held it until it stopped. The man with the aura just watched her limp body fall.
posted
Funny, usually I scold people for using too long of sentances, but I'd almost say these are too short. Reading the piece, it felt very choppy to me. Here is how I might start editing it:
"I am Nalica [insert comma], and this is my confession.
I was dancing for the men of Angayan. They could see my body through the veils, but no one could see my aura for they had none of their own. I danced and they threw credits [insert more description here about the dancing?] Then I saw him standing in front of me. I did not know him, but I could see his aura and knew that he could see mine. I stopped and [stood straight facing him OMIT AND JUST SAY] faced him. He waved a hand at the credits [WHAT CREDITS? THE ONES ON THE FLOOR?], then at the curtain behind me.
I led him to my room upstairs. It was early and I was not expected. Another dancer was in my room taking credits from my box. She was a new dancer [OMIT NEXT SENTANCE AND SAY "and had not yet learned to be afraid of me]. The others were all afraid of me. Those who took from me were not permitted to live [OMIT THIS PART TOO: "and so it was with this one"]. I seized her heart and held it until it stopped. The man with the aura just watched her limp body fall."
I think it shows promise, and is a definite improvement over the first two versions. I'd be interested in reading more - just email it to me.
[This message has been edited by BoredCrow (edited July 06, 2007).]
posted
JeffBarton, I'm hooked with the latest version. I'll read the whole thing. What type of critique are you looking for right now: nit-picky, overall coherence, or what? Posts: 357 | Registered: Feb 2007
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quote: I am Nalica and this is my confession[:][<--Separate these two.-->] I was dancing [in veils] for [Angayan] men and they [their] threw credits[.] Then I saw [him<--Emphasize this by italicizing it.] standing in front of me. I did not know him, but I could see his aura and knew that he could see mine. I stopped and stood [straight<--As in stiff? or still?] facing him. [He waved a hand at the credits<--This sounds like he's standing next to a list of characters and cast. Maybe: He held up some credits and nodded] at the curtain behind me.
I led him [upstairs] to my room. It was early and I was not expected[Huh? Expected by whom? It's her room isn't it? It is a her, right? Perhaps: I was surprised to find a]nother dancer in my room taking credits from my [What kind of?-->]box. She was a new dancer. The others [knew better]. Those who took from me were not permitted to live[.] [S]o it was with this one. I seized her heart and held it until it stopped. The man with the aura just watched her limp body fall.
Interesting premise. With a little spring-cleaning --sample above -- I'm hooked.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited July 06, 2007).]
posted
When I read the following over, it sounds like explaining and justifying. What I really mean to convey is that I have taken your points, perhaps farther than you intended them. Thanks to you all.
Rick and BoredCrow point out the rough, choppy text in the confession. I occurs to me that *Doh* the first 13 lines can't be that way. It's an affected voice for that character and doesn't represent the way the story is written beyond the 'confession.' Sleepn247 is right that the woman would not introduce herself like that and that would be the presumption at the start of a story. Hence the original idea of framing the confession. Too bad I used an infodump. What I get from the comments and my own conclusions is that the story needs another starting point. The revised, yet again, first 13 follow.
The confession will be moved to a point where it has a proper lead. I'm trying to get the voice of someone who is immature, way undereducated, reacts to emotions rather than intellect and has just been broken by weeks of torture and rape. Edits by BoredCrow and IB certainly make the narrative flow better - as if written by someone more articulate and sophisticated. That's not the voice I need for the character, but her voice isn't the one I can afford to have in the first 13. The example edits will be used, especially the suggestion to add more about the dancing. That'll be easy without the 13-line limit weighing on it.
The new start. Does it hook and does it read well? I'm also looking for volunteers to read the whole thing. It's not as complete as I thought it was, so it could be next week before it's ready for you.
------
Nalica’s arms were shackled behind her at the wrists and elbows. Her legs were locked together at her ankles. There was no way she could cover any of herself. She was bare, but she saw herself in the glow of her aura. Her hair was cropped short and ragged. Dry blood and splotches of dirt were mixed with the bruises and cuts all over her body. Red welts still rose around the running sores from the whips. She could see through her swollen eyelids for the first time in weeks.
Two troops dragged her into the interrogation room one more time. She didn’t try to resist or to help them. She let her head loll and bounce as they dragged her. Her mind could do little more. The beatings, pain and rapes had taken their toll. All she could sense were hate and hunger. The object of her hate was there.
posted
I haven't read any of the previous edits, but just the most recent (just above my post) and ...well...
Plausibility point. The behaviors you describe of the woman fit a broken woman, though honestly I would now put the story aside if it were me reading. I (and I am not alone in this) have no interest in reading about women broken via torture that includes rape. Make her suffer great pain, bleed, etc., but rape - nope, sorry, across my line.
However, that's an aside. My real point was, the behaviors fit a broken woman, but the All she could sense were hate and hunger? That didn't fit at all. A broken woman the way you describe would be in a disassociative state. I don't know a lot about them, other than she'd be spending a lot of time on mental vacation - anywhere ELSE but in her body. She's not thinking about hunger or hate, she's elsewhere, or she's numb and incapable of feeling anything. I am sure there are volumes about disassociative states (I hope I have that term correct) that victims of brutality find themselves in, including reports of their states of mind. If you truly want to portray this (sorry for being so repulsed by rape, but it's just one of those lines I have...we all have our lines, LOL) and haven't yet come across any victim reports, it might be worthwhile to dig for some to get that state of mind.
For me, this didn't quite make sense. If she's letting her head loll, she's not experiencing hate. If she's mad and hate-filled, she'd probably be working to lift her head, looking out those swollen eyelids with as much malice as she can muster, looking ridiculous in the process, but then I'd get some sense of what kind of person she is, and I'd have a lot easier time stomaching the torture you want to have put her through if she seems like someone who is actually fighting it, even though clearly they've already beaten her into some level of submission. (though again, it's one of my lines so I'd still skip it, sorry to beat a dead horse, but I figure people should understand this when they go this direction with stories and I don't know that others are always able/willing to give this feedback.)
Anyway - to your specific writing style, it looks very good. I suggest looking for ways to engage other senses, but the technical work in this seems to me to be to be good. Last caution - the word "troops" is just a little clumsy because of the pluralization (which, as far as I understand, you did correctly...it's just still awkward.) Would another term like soldier, militia men, military police, sentries, prison guards, torture masters, or something else work?
posted
In the first version I didn't see the first para as an infodump. For me it was a reasonably authentic report from one soldier (or whatever) to another. The second para was clearly Nalicia's statement and I would not expect the language to be well written, since it's clearly a statement made by Nalicia, and under duress: indeed, the style of the language probably tells us something about her.
I don't normally read fantasy and (understatement) I don't like rape, so based on the first version, I was unlikely to read the story; but the auras were intruiging.
The last version has lost the auras, which for me were the hook. It's all about rape, torture and blood, apparently somewhere between nihilism, sadism and dystopia. Sorry, no hope, no hook for me.
Hope this helps, Pat
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited July 07, 2007).]
posted
KayTi - Thanks for reading even this much. I understand those lines. Ran into one my own today. I will have to deal with the disassociation you mention. I'm familiar with the concept, but probably missed the believable point here. I also get the point about lolling head not showing hate. The next 3 paragraphs go into raising her gaze and imagining what she'd like to do to the object of that hate. The most important thing I take is that I need to show that the torture is over. She already confessed by this point, the torture stopped and can see again because she's recovering.
For any potential reading volunteers, this is the worst of it. Torture and rapes are not part of any scenes. They happened and the story says so, but they're not described.
Pat - Yes the story is intended to be dark and nihilism may describe it. That's one of the reasons I asked whether the genre was coming out of the first revisions. It wasn't. Now there's too much and readers expect it to get worse. I get your point about the aura being lost, and thanks for the comment about the 'report.'
posted
Here are the first 13 of the rewrite. I think this will be the structure of the final - the confession framed by stuff in another POV. Your comments and thoughts are welcome. One specific question: Does it have a hook. Let me know if you're willing to read the whole thing - 4850 words. All the warnings and possible objections from above are still there.
----
The aura glowed from the faces of everyone in the chamber. The tribal council members were seated in a circle. Some were dressed in robes and some in uniforms of the Imperial military.
His Excellency, the chairman, addressed them in a booming voice, “The two thousand are dead. The survivor told them what we want them to know. She knew it as the truth and the Others believe her. Her confession is on your screens.”
“It’s finished.” “Had to be done.” “So sad.” “Murder!” “Despicable!” and “Impeach!” were muttered around the chamber.
“Just read the confession,” His Excellency cut them short.
The confession of Nalica: I was dancing for the men of Angayan that night. The men
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 09, 2007).]
posted
Here is the start of another revision. The question, beside any comments or suggestions: Does it have a hook Third draft and clean-up reduced it to 4380 words. It still needs a critical read - any offers?
The tribal council sat in a circle with the aura glowing from their faces. They wore business clothes, except those in Imperial uniforms. His Excellency addressed them, "The two thousand are dead. The survivor told them what we want them to know. She knew it as the truth and the Others believe her. Zabave chose her well. Her confession is on your screens." Members muttered around the chamber, "It's finished" "Had to be done" "So sad" "Murder" "Despicable" and "Impeach." "Just read the confession," His Excellency cut them short. The confession of Nalica: I danced in sheer veils for the men of Angayan that night. I could see their desire to take pleasure with me. No one could see my aura for they had none of their own.
posted
The last one is most solid. It sets up the scene, has a kind of hook.
Unfortunately, for me, some of the appeal is lost. The first two openings clearly set up the woman as the MC. This last version doesn't. I happen to like female MCs.
My main problem is not with the externals (ie - rape) but because the MC is set in a very passive role in each opening. The first is a confession, but now that I learn its a forced confession, it is even more passive. The second is being tortured. The last is a scene where a group of people are passing judgement on her confession.
Something about that irks me because for me, MCs need to be strong, believable, and real. And especially with female MCs, I really want them to be active, not passive.
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