Pallax stared at the bottle, and read the instructions for the fifth time that night: “Use this potion only when the moon is at its fullest, consume only one quarter - side effects may occur whole potion is consumed”
He bought the potion to make Pauleen fall madly in love with him. He loved her red hair and green eyes, but she wouldn’t give him the time of day. She had eyes for Atrum, the blacksmith’s assistant, whose arms were the size of Pallax’s thighs. Which is why he felt he needed something to give him the upper hand. He ran a hand through his greasy black hair as he tried to remember how much one quarter was, he was never good at math. Well at least I know the moon is full he mused.
Pallax pulled out the stopper and took a drink, he felt a
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 04, 2007).]
posted
Hook? Some. I want to see those side effects when the dolt drinks more than a quarter. The 13 line limit left it on a cliffhanger.
Infodumpy? It comes across more as character development. Sure, there's the potion and stuff about blacksmith's assistant's arms. The MC thinks that why she likes the other guy, then runs his hand through greasy hair? This says something about his self perception.
POV? Seems consistent - all from Pallax
Nits: In the directions, do you need 'if' or 'when' before 'whole potion is consumed?'
The sentence tagged 'he mused.' is a thought, not spoken. I understand that it doesn't need quotes, but it seems that a comma would set off the tag. I don't really know the rule here.
I'm wondering about the magic. Pallax is going to drink the potion intended to make a particular girl love him. How is it directed to that one girl? This is the sort of thing that should be covered fairly soon - at least before the action happens.
quote:Pallax stared at the bottle, and read the instructions for the fifth time [that night - don't think you need this]: “Use this potion only when the moon is at its fullest, consume only one quarter - side effects may occur [if] whole potion is consumed”
He bought the potion to make Pauleen fall madly in love with him. He loved her red hair and green eyes, but she wouldn’t give him the time of day. She had eyes for Atrum, the blacksmith’s assistant, whose arms were the size of Pallax’s thighs. Which is why he felt he needed something to give him the upper hand. He ran a hand through his greasy black hair as he tried to remember how much one quarter was, he was never good at math. Well at least I know the moon is full he mused.
Pallax pulled out the stopper and took a drink, he felt a
I like the first paragraph and the last but something about the middle one bothers me. I get the POV clear in one and three but two up to He ran a hand...seems too distant to be Pallax's thoughts. Just a nit but it bothered me.
I like the hook, I'd read more and I don't see it as infodump.
posted
This doesn't work for me. I've noticed that there is an astonishingly large difference between professional first 13s and amateur first 13s and the biggest difference is vividness.
A word for word:
Pallax stared at the bottle, and read the instructions for the fifth time that night: “Use this potion only when the moon is at its fullest, consume only one quarter - side effects may occur whole potion is consumed” (Too long. If he is reading the instructions then obviously he is staring at the bottle. If the instructions omit the "the" before side effects, they will omit more words, e.g. "Use only when moon is full. Dose one quarter bottle. Side effects may occur if instructions are not followed." It's a question of consistent tone more than of length.)
He bought the potion to make Pauleen fall madly in love with him. (Since your POV character already knows this, the sentence yanks us out of his POV. Drop it.) He loved her red hair and green eyes, but she wouldn’t give him the time of day. (cliche) She had eyes for Atrum, the blacksmith’s assistant, whose arms were the size of Pallax’s thighs. (good) Which is why he felt he needed something to give him the upper hand. (we already know this.) He ran a hand through his greasy black hair as he tried to remember how much one quarter was, he was never good at math. (two sentences, also, in a quasi-historical setting, nobody but a scribe knows any math, so not being good at math wouldn't be remarkable. How about "how much is a quarter, he wondered." Well at least I know the moon is full he mused.
Pallax pulled out the stopper and took a drink (first line of the story?), he felt a
posted
I tweaked a few lines..but it really started (when I first wrote it here)
Pallax walked, no, shambled through the narrow streets of the town and if he had ears; he would have heard the screams of the panicked villagers. Mostly he didn’t care, and for once in his life he was focused. He had a purpose. He was walking to the big bright silvery disk, but it kept moving away from him. A rock hit him on the head and with a sickening thud it became embedded, still he walked, determinedly towards the light.
Pallax was pelted with more rocks, and the villagers screamed at him. He arms reflexively flailed about trying to deflect the rocks, but they didn’t slow him down - the call of the moon was stronger.
“Pallax!” screamed a woman, her face was tear streaked and red, “Stop throwing rocks at my son - Stop! Please.” She fell
better?
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 06, 2007).]
The two different opening actually come across as two completely different stories. You establish a very different voice and everything.
In the first is a low self-esteem, desperate teenage boy looking for love. And drinks a potion.
The second is an earless monstrosity who nevertheless hears the scream of his mother (I didn't understand how he has selective hearing).
I vote for the first one, because the second one doesn't show the transformation. Why not just open with what the label says. Usually, labels are more terse, punchy. You could even make it funny. Allude to some kind of side effect maybe.
Other than that I think you have a good opening, just keep at it.
posted
Yeah, punchy and funny would fit Docktor Nensa...who is an eccentric, wizard or alchemist - I haven't decided.
Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2006
| IP: Logged |
The problems instrinsic to this first opening are, a question of time-period (because of the wording in italics), and a question of cohesion (as highlighted in bold) And two comma placements.
quote: Pallax stared at the bottle, and read the [instructions] for the fifth time that night: “Use this potion only when the moon is at its fullest, consume only [one quarter] - side effects may occur whole potion is consumed”
[He bought the potion to make Pauleen fall madly in love with him.] He loved her red hair and green eyes, but she [wouldn’t give him the time of day]. She had eyes for Atrum, the blacksmith’s assistant, whose arms were the size of Pallax’s thighs. [Which is why he felt he needed something to give him the][ upper hand.] He ran a hand through his greasy[,] black hair[,] as he tried to remember how much [one quarter] was, he was never [good at math]. Well at least I know the moon is full he mused.
[Pallax pulled out the stopper and took a drink], he felt a
and
quote: Pallax [Deleted] shambled through the narrow streets of the town[.] [and if he had ears; he would have heard the screams of the panicked villagers.<--Plausibility issue or violation of PoV. Maybe distort his ears, or have the "lobes" missing, so that he CAN hear, but:][H]e didn’t care, and for once in his life he was focused. He had a purpose. He was walking to the big bright silver[Deleted] disk[.] [I]t kept moving away from him. A rock hit him on the head and [with a sickening thud<--[This should be AS it hits, not as it IMBEDS.] [Deleted] embedded[.] [S]till, he walked[Deleted] towards the light.
[Pallax was pelted with more rocks, and the villagers screamed at him.<--Suggest something less redundant sounding: Then the villagers let loose a storm of rocks and taunts at him.] H[is] arms reflexively flailed about trying to deflect the rocks, but they didn’t slow him down - the call of the moon was stronger.
“Pallax!” screamed a woman, her face was tear streaked and red, “Stop throwing rocks at my son - Stop! Please.” She fell [If you make the earlier change, this is fine, and it adds tension.]
I like the second opening better, but it all depends on where you are going with it. Reasons:
1) The first opening sounds a bit cliche, like it's another "Jekyll and Hyde" type story.
2) I already sympathize -- though only a little -- with the "monstrosity" and his attraction to the moon. I might go about stressing his obsession with the moon as the most important thing until the villagers start pelting him with rocks.
3) The first one doesn't leave me curious (I can't help thinking this is Jekyll and Hyde set in Disney's Beauty and the Beast. The second one draws me in. Perhaps it's because this has the potential to be a darker story than the other. I'm always attracted to a tale where the beast/monster is one of the few characters that truly has any humanity.
But, that's just my two-cents.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited July 06, 2007).]
posted
Pallax walked, no, shambled through the narrow streets of the town and if he had ears; This seems to be written from an authorial PoV which is one I happen to intently dislike. So keep that in mind, when I suggest that you'd do much better writing from Pallax's PoV or maybe even the mother's.he would have heard the screams of the panicked villagers.I'ts already been mention that this is confusing. I assume he actually has ears but not lobes. I doubt that his missing ears are the most noticeable effect. I'd concentrate on something more dramatic. Mostly he didn’t care, and for once in his life he was focused. He had a purpose. He was walking to the big bright silvery disk, but it kept moving away from him.I like the idea here of his being obsessed. I dislike the PoV shifts. A rock hit him on the head and with a sickening thud it became embedded, still he walked, determinedly towards the light. I have trouble visualizing a rock becoming embedded in a head. I think we need more description. You haven't described him at all except for the rather odd lack of ears.
Pallax was pelted with more rocks, and the villagers screamed at him.A bit more variety in language here. You've already said they are screaming He arms reflexively flailed about trying to deflect the rocks, but they didn’t slow him down - the call of the moon was stronger.reflexively? He wasn't aware of his arms moving?
“Pallax!” screamed a woman, her face was tear streaked and red, “Stop throwing rocks at my son - Stop! Please.” She fell -------------------------------------------------------------
I think it is an interesting start to a story. But the PoV really distances you from the character and intrudes the author way too much for my taste. It emphasizes that you're just reading a story. You don't give enough description that I am able to visualize either Pallax or the village.
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited July 07, 2007).]
posted
First opening FAR superior to the second, IMO, so I'll tailor my comments to it:
Red-haired, green-eyed beauties are, I hate to say, a somewhat tired fantasy cliche. Either hide it with some more creative description or change it, IMO.
Aside from that it wasn't half bad. There's some excellent tension in the line: "...as he tried to remember how much one quarter was, he was never good at math." Though "...he was never good at math." is a complete sentence and should be separated from the remainder of the sentence with either a period or a semicolon.
Hooky enough for me. POV seems fine. Info-dumpish? Nope.
[This message has been edited by djvdakota (edited July 09, 2007).]
posted
I like the second opening because it immerses you immediately into the story. There's enough to grab your attention and to keep a person wondering. Others have already suggested ways to tighten the prose, I will just say ditto.
But I do wonder, since the two openings are so wildly different, how much story is left with the second opening? Unless you intend to do a flashback. If you're doing a flashback, you'll have to make those first 13 lines as strong as the first 13 of the story.
And this is just minor wonder, but does the title evoke Doctor Who for anyone else? I know it's spelt differently, but I think "The Good Doctor" is associated a lot with that character. I don't if that's a plus or a minus.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
