posted
The boy who would be a god stood before the Everflame, its glorious heat burning in contrast to the icy chill of Ocai-Amm above them. He had come to the citadel hidden in the northern desolation for one reason alone: the fabled Prophet of the Flame had seen within the twilight veil that a prophecy would be given this day.
*A prophecy concerning me,* he thought. *Me and my brother.*
He had been brought to the final chamber beneath the city’s catacombs. *I can hear the bells above me. I’m below the Great Temple, beneath a ten thousand pilgrims and Sengreins. They’re all up there where it’s cold and holy, and none of them know about this tunnel or the two six year olds or the Prophet or any of this. It’s all just a fancy secret, a puzzle box of people and places.*
posted
Seems like an interesting start, but nothing has really happened yet (the story hasn't got going) which kind of left me with an anxious feeling.
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posted
The boy appears to be your MC and POV from all the quoted thoughts. His name would be nice and probably belongs in the first 13.
Everflame, Ocai-Amm, citadel, desolation, Prophet of the Flame, twilight veil, my brother, catacombs, been brought by whom, Great Temple, pilgrims, Sengreins and more are open questions raised by this start. Thank you for avoiding too much detail in the infodump. Of course the reader will want to know soon about any of them that are important. If they're not important, why are they mentioned?
The last paragraph has a lot in it. It has the feel of 'As you know, Bob ...' Perhaps that paragraph, not the first or second, could show boys being brought through catacombs instead of telling about it.
Are these boys 6 years old? The POV thoughts sound older. Perhaps 'about' instead of 'concerning' would sound younger. The whole third paragraph is an adult construction. A benefit to showing boys being brought is that you could show the scene through 6yo eyes.
How does the 6yo POV know that 'none of them know about this tunnel'?
The fantasy element and a sympathetic MC are there and hook me into the story. Looking for readers?
posted
To me, it was too much unknown stuff, especially Everflame, Propher of the Flame and Ocai-Amm. I'd prefer something slower, with a bit more information about things. Just a touch. For example, if Ocai-Amm is a city, then, "... in contrast to the icy chill of the city Ocai-Amm above them ... ."
I agree that the PoV sounds older the six years old. It has setting, but I'm not feeling a sense of character, yet.
I might turn the page. I don't feel strongly hooked, though. I think I felt mildly interested in knowing what comes next.
quote: The boy[Name] who would be a god stood before the Everflame, its glorious heat burning in contrast to the icy chill of Ocai-Amm[Who? What?] above them. He[Who?] had come to the citadel [hidden in the northern desolation<--Can't picture this.] for one reason alone: the fabled Prophet of the Flame had seen[By whom?] within the twilight veil that a prophecy would be given this day. *A prophecy concerning me,* he[Who?] thought. *Me and my brother.*
He[Who?] had been brought to the final chamber beneath the city’s[What city? I thought the citadel was hidden in desolation? Contradicting.] catacombs. *I can hear the bells above me. I’m below the Great Temple[What "Great Temple"?], beneath [a<--This throws the sentence off.] ten thousand pilgrims and Sengreins. They’re all up there where it’s [cold and holy<--Not a combination that makes sense to me, without further explanation.], and none of them know about this tunnel[What tunnel? I thought it was a chamber?] or the two six year olds[What two six-year-olds? I thought "He-Who-Would-Be-A-God" was alone.] or the Prophet or any of this. [It’s all just a fancy secret<--Seems this defines this 13.], a puzzle box of people and places.*
posted
I agree that the MC sounds older than six. In fact he sounds maybe twelve. Maybe a six year old would have shorter, more excited bursts of thought?
The line "the boy who would be a god" really captured my attention though...a little child will either handle that kind of huge power with love and innocence or terrible indiscretion.
[This message has been edited by solarsurfer (edited July 14, 2007).]
posted
Hmmm... you've caught my interest. I like your writing style.
My main suggestion would for the third paragraph to turn what is internal dialogue into simple narration. Such as:
"[B]elow the Great Temple, beneath a ten thousand pilgrims and Sengreins, [he could hear the bells above]. [All of them are up there] where it’s cold and holy, and none of them knew about this tunnel or the two six year olds[,] or [even about] the Prophet. It [was] all just a fancy secret, a puzzle box of people and places."
posted
The first line had me. The rest of it started to lose my interest. The first line's tone is Full Omni which I liked but the wrong details bogged you down for the rest of it.
My take:
quote: The boy who would be a god stood before the Everflame What's this? I get the visual of the Christian candle that is burned in church. If you don't want that association either rename it or explain it to me , its glorious heat Okay, now I really need a sense of size. Candle isn't going to give much heat, Bonfire maybe? But now I'm wondering about the Everflame and not the boy. Try to keep me focused on him burning in contrast to the icy chill of Ocai-Amm What't this?? above them more visual clues, please. Where are we? In a cave, church? How is the Ocai-Amm above "them" and who is "them" so far I only have a boy
He <-- name the boy now had come to the citadel ah-ha! Location. hidden How did he find it? Was he brought there? in the northern desolation hu? for one reason alone:
the fabled Prophet of the Flame who is this? had seen within the twilight veil hu? that a prophecy would be given this day. *A prophecy concerning me,* he Who? Now a name is imperative. Right now this is the Prophet of the Flame speaking thought. *Me and my brother.*
He The prophet or the boy or the brother? had been brought to the final chamber There were chambers? Is this the same one we started in beneath the city’s What city? I thought we were in the desolation catacombs.
{New Paragraph) *I can hear the bells above me. I’m below the Great Temple didn't you just call this the citidel , beneath a ten thousand pilgrims and Sengreins Who are these people . They’re all up there where it’s cold and holy, and none of them know about this tunnel or the two six year olds or the Prophet or any of this. It’s all just a fancy secret, a puzzle box of people and places.* whose thought is this?
If you cut out most of the description and only give me the information I must know this would be cleaner and more "hooky" for me.
Ex:
The boy who would be a god stood before the (person who will speak the prophecy)in the (location) to hear the prophecy.
*A prophecy concerning me,* (the boy, Sam I am,)thought. *And (Bill I will), my brother.*
Now you can get to the meat of the story. I need more time to make sense of the details you are throwing at me. You tease that this boy will be a god but then leave that thought completely. Keep in the moment. How is the boy feeling? acting? Do he and his brother exchange nervous glances? What?
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited July 16, 2007).]
posted
I'd read on. The hook for me is that this boy is going to become a god. Sounds cool.
My main qualm is with this part--> *I can hear the bells above me. I’m below the Great Temple, beneath a ten thousand pilgrims and Sengreins. They’re all up there where it’s cold and holy, and none of them know about this tunnel or the two six year olds or the Prophet or any of this. It’s all just a fancy secret, a puzzle box of people and places.*
This part seems like the boy has been possesed by the narrarotor. People don't describe the scene to themselves. That's like me thinking *I'm sitting in my apartment the fan is humming and a spider is crawling up the wall. My fingers are typing a critique for a short story fragment on hatrack.com workshop section where I learn all sorts of good stuff. But once in a while I get carried away with my examples for critiques.
If you want to use the boy's inner dialoge, then one way would be to use his reaction to the details in a relavant way.
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