~*~
God's Shoe
Realistic Fiction
Approx 2500 words
~*~

The day was hot in a way that made even the honeysuckle droop under the sun. The last days of summer always seemed hottest as the last fragrant breaths of sickly-sweet flowers faded in the humid North Carolina heat. Even on the steps of St. Michael's, a little church nestled into Rutherford's small town, seemed to be sagging under the day. That's where a little girl sat, her head hung low as she rested in what little shade was to be had on the stone steps, her hands clutching a sneaker, though her feet were bare.
Damp curls hung in her face, dingy under a layer of dust that seemed to have settled all over her. She was shaking, crying for some reason as she sat there. Her overalls and shirt were dirty and she looked like she would want nothing more that to be home with her parents.

~*~
The description is a little out of character for me, I think it sounds pretentious but I didn't want to scrap it. Please tell me what you think.

The prose is nice. It is a little long and the moderator will whack it (in a very friendly way).

The omni view would allow the narrator to know why the girl is crying and whether or not she would like to be at home. It would help the reader to know to give the first 13 more of a substantial hook. You could shorten the beginning enough to allow the girl into the church and give something of an explanation of her circumstances.

quote:

---

[The day was hot in a way that made even the honeysuckle droop under the sun. The last days of summer always seemed hottest as the last fragrant breaths of sickly-sweet flowers faded in the humid North Carolina heat.<--Extraneous. I won't care about any of this until I have someone to care about.] Even on the steps of St. Michael's, a little church nestled into [Rutherford's<--Name of a County? City? Person?] small town, [seemed to be <--Did it, or didn't it?] sagg[ed] under the day. That's where [a little girl<--Who? Name?] sat, her head hung low [.] [She rested in what little shade was [to be had<--Unneeded.] on the stone steps[.] [H]er hands clutch[ed] a sneaker[<--Why just one?], though her feet were bare.
Damp curls hung in [her<--What's her name?] face, dingy under a layer of dust that [seemed to have<--When is stuff ACTUALLY going to happen?] settled all over her. She [Delete] sh[ook and cried], [for some reason<--You don't need this to try an make us wonder.] as she sat there. Her overalls and shirt were dirty and she [looked like<--Whose PoV is this?] she would want nothing more that to

---

1) I don't know what "Realistic Fiction" is.

2) You use "Seem to" in one form or another far too many times.

3) I'm not knocking your descriptions, but, I'd much rather know who I am reading about, and what their conflict/problem is. Especially when it's a short story, you have only so much time to sell me on anything. By the end of thirteen lines I need to know who the protagonist is (or antagonist if it's that PoV), what the situation is that he's going to be dealing with (adventure, character he no longer wants to be, fight, problem that needs to be solved), then the where is it. If you can't give me the basics in the early part of the story, I don't feel you will give me everything in the latter.

Hope this helps

quote:

---

Even on the steps of St. Michael's, a little church nestled into Rutherford's small town, seemed to be sagging under the day.

---

If you didn't find the mistake, then read this carefully:

quote:

---

Even on the steps of St. Michael's seemed to be sagging under the day.

---

Also, I think you meant "than" rather than "that" here:

quote:

---

Her overalls and shirt were dirty and she looked like she would want nothing more that to be home with her parents.

---

Add a few missing commas, fix a few awkward sentences, and follow InarticulateBabbler's suggestions for cuts, and I think it will be fine. It's a mild hook for me.

I've had people rolling their virtual eyes at me for it, but I'd suggest doing away with as many linking verbs and non-active verbs as possible. 'was hot' 'was shaking' 'were dirty' 'would want' You obviously can't eliminate them all, but in the first thirteen lines of a story editors notice them more than they do when slipped in later on. You can get away with a LOT more sloppy writing once you've gotten a reader fully engaged in the story, and since that's the primary purpose of the first page of story, it's a good idea to make it as sharp and clean as possible. When I worked as an editor I really liked to be captured by that first sentence, and sentences that rely on linking verbs very seldom accomplished that.

As for POV, It's not really a matter of the POV choice so much as it is a matter of the choice of penetration. Omni POV doesn't necessarily mean that thoughts are laid bare. There are many depths of penetration available, and your choice is one of little or no penetration. Why? I don't know. That's for you to decide. It should be a conscious decision on your part as the writer that you can justify to yourself. Why choose a certain POV? Why choose a certain character as the POV character? What depth of penetration do I wish to accomplish?--and this can change throughout the story. What am I trying to accomplish by these choices?

I'm not saying the choice you've made is wrong. I'm really just rambling about POV. MAYBE (and I emphasize the 'maybe') your choices could be better. At this point in the story I'm not bothered by POV. It's good enough, though I wonder if a deeper penetration, or a second POV character through whom the action is being seen, might engage me to greater degree in this opening. When you put a penetrative 'distance' between me and the character, you put an emotional distance there as well, and run the risk of preventing me from caring about what's about to happen as much as I might.