Working Title: You want to know what I think?
Estimated words: 8000

Darryl Greene knew they were coming to arrest him several minutes before they arrived. A cool breeze furled the diaphanous curtain of his fifth floor window. He peered outside. He could hear the thoughts of each policeman as he watched them drive up with their cherries flashing. He could see six cars, and that was just this side of the block. Why so many? It was a rhetorical question. He knew how much they feared telepaths. Telepaths know what the police plan to do to corner them and arrest them. It was a tactical nightmare if the telepath was hostile. They started up the stairs.

To put them at ease and to save his hinges, Darryl opened his apartment door and stepped into the hallway with his arms spread at his sides and his hands open.

[This message has been edited by mfreivald (edited July 17, 2007).]

Cut! (You knew I'd say that, right?) I'd keep only one or two of the adjectives in "cool breeze", "diaphanous curtain", and "fifth floor window". You can replace everything from "He knew how much" to "was hostile" with something like, "Hostile telepaths can be a tactical nightmare."

I don't have any real understanding of Darryl Greene's setting. (Nice name, btw.) An apartment -- okay. Is his room cluttered or neat? Is he in a metropolis or the only tall building in Council Bluffs, Iowa? Is he in a slum (I guess that's unlikely, since his curtain is "diaphanous") or the upper West Side? I don't need everything, but I feel like I need a little more something.

Is there a cultural thing indicated by "cherries flashing"? I don't know that expression, though that could just be me.

I like your second paragraph. It says something about Darryl, so that he's already a sympathetic character, without making me know too much.

Does he know what they're coming to arrest him for? (He must, actually, now that I think about it.) If so, maybe -- just maybe -- you want to let us know. This feels a little bit like you might just barely be withholding. On the other hand, if what he's being arrested for is less relevant than developing his character in these few brief moments before he's arrested, then you might not need to let us know. Your call.

I'm interested, though not exactly hooked yet. I'd keep reading if I found it in a book, and probably turn the page if I were going through a slush pile.

Regards,
Oliver

You quickly establish Darryl as a sympathetic character, but his passive surrender makes me wonder how he'll fight through whatever the conflict is.

Just a couple things that threw me that you may want to look at:

I didn't like the whole rhetorical question and his answering himself thing. Reminded me of the old "well, as you know Doctor, the flux capacitor is the . . . " where the character gives us some vastly important plot point through dialogue with someone else who already knows. Not very realistic. I would have preferred something where you show him using his telepathy (maybe using it to know how many other cars/people there are on the other side of the block).

Second, the point of view seemed to shift dramatically when you write "They started up the stairs." As a telepath, he could know this, and the sentence before seems to indicate he could know, but it didn't feel connected to that. So perhaps, use soem different wording or frame it a bit different so it is obvious that he is getting this through telepathy (setting it up by following my suggestion in the first point above may very well do this).

Third, do what the other reviewers have already said ;-)

However, to be nitpicky, you also include a lot of unnecessary words. Be economical in what you write. For example, is it important that we know Darryl's last name right away? As Oliver pointed out, you do not need so many descriptors in the second sentence. Yet, then again, do you need the second sentence? You stop the story to describe a window (and honestly, I don't care what the wind is doing). Describing the scene is important but combining descriptions of the setting with the character's actions can help you be frugal with your words (and one does need to make ever word work hard in those first 13). You also describe the police cars more than may be necessary. By the end of this fragment we know more about the appareance of those cars than Darryl's own apartment, apart from the curtains.

I don't necessarily need a description of Darryl. I just felt like I needed to be a little more anchored in place.

This is an early draft, so I wouldn't nitpick more than that.

Darryl Greene knew they were coming to arrest him several minutes before they arrived. He had disrupted the Constituent Mind of the People. The Council of Telepathic Oversight would not allow it. A translucent curtain furled in the breeze coming into his humble Chicago apartment. He peered outside. He could hear the thoughts of each policeman as he watched them drive up with their lights flashing. He could see six cars, and that was just this side of the block. Why so many? He knew the answer. Hostile telepaths were a tactical nightmare. They started coming up the stairs.

I don't love the new second and third lines. On the one hand, I hear wbriggs saying, "Just tell me!", but on the other, I think they're more disruptive than I'd like -- a little too hit-me-over-the-head.

My take;

quote:

---

Darryl Greene knew they were coming to arrest him several minutes before they arrived. Why? I'd almost like the sentance about "hearing the policemen" here and can wait for why they are arresting him.

He had disrupted the Constituent Mind of the People The what? How? . The Council of Telepathic Oversight would not allow it.

A translucent curtain furled in the breeze coming into his humble Chicago apartment. Nice image He peered outside. Why? Can't he sense where the cops are from thier thoughts? He could hear the thoughts of each policeman as (he watched them) you just told me he's watching them, so this is repetative drive up with their lights flashing. He could see six cars, and that was just this side of the block. Why so many? And so you know Bob . . . Just tell me that thier thoughts showed that they were worried about the tactical nightmare telepaths caused. BC your POV can get inside people's head, when you do, you aren't violating POV. Use this ability to your story telling advantage

He knew the answer. Hostile telepaths were a tactical nightmare. They started Either they walked up the stairs or they didn't. coming up the stairs.

To put them at ease and to save his hinges NICE Detail!!!! , Darryl opened his apartment door and stepped into the hallway with his arms spread at his sides and his hands open

---

I'd read on. You've given me an MC, a bit of the MC's personality, a setting, and a conflict. Nicely done.

I would also have to agree with Oliver; the 2nd and 3rd lines seem a bit out of place. I stopped reading the 4th line to reread those, wondering why they were important. Getting the reader to think about your story is good but stopping the reader in the middle of your story, not so much.

If I am understanding correctly, Mr. Greene (in the Lounge, with the Revolver!) somehow aversely effected the mind of the public. This may or may not be a sort of "hive mind" structure. As that is all we really get out of the fancy-names-we-don't-understand, perhaps it would serve your purpose better if you told us his crime in simpler terms? To offer an example of what I mean, "killed a man with your car" is simler than "automobile manslaughter in the 2nd degree." Presumably the police will tell him what crime he is accused of (at some point), which could then be a perfect place to give us the names and explain them.

I don't know if I've ever heard a formal explanation, but for me, it's this:

1. The main character always knows his own full name; therefore, the reader should, too. A character named only "Alice" is too etherial, even if you learn her last name later (which is point 2). A character named "Alice Jackowitz" is more firmly rooted in (your imitation) reality.

2. The main character is often known to different people by different names, e.g., John, Johnny, JT, Mr. Taylor, Ensign Taylor. If you don't introduce John as John Taylor, the reader has to figure out that when the policeman calls "Mr. Taylor!" he's talking to the guy she only knows as "John".

3. If there are family relationships in the story, those can be reflected in the name implicitly instead of being called out explicitly (and therefore distractingly).

4. You get a distinctly different feel from the various names that people have. That's not a big deal in many cases, but the difference in implicit characterization between "Oliver House" and "Francisco Mbubwe" is significant.

In short, I'd say that you get great benefits from doing it, and you're paying essentially nothing.

My thoughts. There's probably a thread buried elsewhere in Hatrack somewhere on the topic, too, if you search.

Regards,
Oliver

In the rewrite, you have: knew they were coming...he had disrupted...would not allow it...(a comment about the curtains)...He could hear...He could see...He knew the answer...They started coming.... Perhaps more active writing will help. Uh, to take my own counsel: Sir, write more actively, please.

Like at least one other, I don't know whether we're reading about a good guy with a just cause or a bad guy. Maybe you could take sides and let the reader know early. "Some busybody thinks I've disrupted the Constituant Mind like some common vandal." Or, "They're arresting me for this? I've gotten away with much worse."

I also agree with others that cramming the first 13 with a lexicon will turn many off.

Good luck.

[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited July 19, 2007).]