posted
I didn’t know the gun talked when I bought it from old Billy. He wouldn’t tell me where he found it, just waited, smiling, while I examined it. Double-action semi-automatic capable of firing intelligent ammunition. But the slide was jammed solid, beyond repair. I paid him a little anyway. Regulars like Billy are good for business. (Yet after the talking gun, I never saw him again.) I keep it in the display case with the other handguns. Good conversation piece, gets people talking, even though it’ll never talk again. Sometimes I tell its story, to interested collectors ... I was closing up late when a gentleman came into the shop. Clean Burberry and polished leather shoes--money.
posted
Cool. It's conscious. Does it have a conscience? . . . no, please don't aim me there. I'll read.
Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
Hey Talespinner, an interesting premise, but I think the problem for me is that it seems to set up something that happened in the past. It sounds like he's going to tell the rich guy the history of the gun, but the gun isn't quite mysterious enough for me to be hooked. The MC doesn't seem all that enthused by the gun--it's a conversation starter, as he says, but that's what those talking fish are supposed to be. It's not clear if the gun was still talking when he purchased it; if so, it would be more interesting, since we might get to hear about his experiences. I concluded that it was already dumb when he bought it; hence any story that he has will be hearsay, but since Billy wouldn't talk about it...
Anyway, depending on where the story is going, I thought hinting on the event that silenced the gun might add a hook. I.e., it'll never talk again, not since the day it shot Marcia Brady.
However, I am curious what happens, so I'd be happy to read.
posted
Sentience, conscience? No, this one's more robotic, although it never heard of Asimov.
Anne, your point about the hook is well taken, and I'll revise the opening to indicate that he only ever saw it talk once, and that was the time the gentleman visited the shop.
Thanks everyone for your comments, it's on its way to those who kindly offered to read.
As for silencing a talking gun, well, that's a risky undertaking!
posted
Please send this piece along. Definitely interested.
Let me say only one thing of any critical value. The short section that is posted is mildly confusing from a chronological standpoint.
It is difficult to determine which is present tense: the main character examining and buying the gun, the character in nice shoes entering the scene, old Billy disappearing after having sold the talking gun.
A few polishes would clear this up immediately.
Nevertheless, the first line is fantastic. Immediately we get an idea of what the story is about. Of course you know, the first line (to the entirely unsuspecting reader), forces great expectations upon the writer. We expect the story to move in a certain direction after that line! :-)
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