posted
This is a sci-fi short-story, and it's about 5100 words. I would like to have someone read the whole thing and critique, but any critiques on the 13 lines are fine by me.
It's gotten to the point that I've read my own writing so many times, that I'm not really looking at it anymore. I want to know if his character seems consistent through the piece, or if he seems 'contrived', and if the details jive and make sense. Also, tell me if it's too wordy, too vague, or just plain boring. I hope not the latter, but you never know.
Start:
Then came the release, the free fall--- an astonishing silence. All ticking of technology subsided; the engines, the life support systems, and he was completely and utterly alone surrounded only by the great blast of open skies.
As he cut through the force of the wind like a knife, Jacob carefully monitored his optics which indicated the altitude, and the speed of his decent. He knew he had to release the shoot at just the right time. If he opened it too late he would fall too fast and, though he would probably survive, he could injure himself to the point that it would impair his mission. If he let the shoot out too early, he could lose his element of surprise and become an easy target of the New Dehah defenses which, according to the intelligence brief, were quite ruthless.
Second nit: I would change an astonishing silence to 'the astonishing silence' indicating he's done something like that before and matching the words preceding.
I don't get the sense if he's in an escape pod or if he is out there all by himself. Is there any atmospheric friction? With instrumentation, won't that tell him when to launch the parachute?
Other than that, I'm hooked. This guy is heading in for action. I liked the pace of it.
posted
I'm lousy at first 13's. That said, for me, the first sentence is a problem. I'd be flipping through the pages trying to find where it really started. Maybe it's just "Then" as an opening word. It feels like I'm missing something.
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posted
First things first. Do you see above this the envelope symbol? That is how you can find the posters email address. Now let's see what you got, newbie.
quote:Then came the release, the free fall--- an astonishing silence.
Okay, what happened before this? I can't ever recall a story starting 'Then'. I suggest you make this a bit more intimate for us and attach a 'who' and perhaps more of a 'what' to this first line. I do have a problem with 'astonishing silence'. The 'force of wind' is hardly silent. I find this to be a contradiction that nedds to be addressed. This could use some rearranging. Maybe...
Jacob opened his arms and waited for the moment. Then came the release. The absence of gravity, the wind roaring by his ears, the feeling of cutting through open air like a knife - free fall.
quote: Jacob carefully monitored his optics which indicated the altitude, and the speed of his decent.
Shouldn't he be monitoring those things through his optics? This sounds as if he is monitoring his optics.
quote: He knew he had to release the shoot at just the right time. If he opened it too late he would fall too fast and, though he would probably survive, he could injure himself to the point that it would impair his mission. If he let the shoot out too early, he could lose his element of surprise and become an easy target of the New Dehah defenses which, according to the intelligence brief, were quite ruthless.
Info-dump. I suggest you find another way to get this info out.
posted
When you put the word START followed by a colon it confused me into believing it was the start of the story.
Posts: 2995 | Registered: Oct 2007
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