“There’s no sign from Tesne that the attack fleet has been detected. Move on to Phase 3 at stealth speed,” he said.

Meglat’s orders were to report a warning first, then to degrade the attack, then to extract herself before the Tesne retaliated. Her next step would do more to degrade the attack. It was out of sequence, but she would need the time to make her report.

She pulled the knife from her uniform piled beside the bed. When Celek hung up and settled on his back, she threw the covers off and straddled him. Her heartbeat spiked and pounded in her chest even more than when he had been on her. They said it would get easier and it had, but only relatively.

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Yet again:
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Meg was more than annoyed by the call that woke them in the middle of the night. General Celek picked up the phone and grunted into it. He’d be on her again as soon as the call ended.

The general listened for a while, then said, “Then we tell them that... Priority message: The Tesnians have not detected the attack. The fleet is ordered to Phase 3 at stealth speed.”

An attack was on the way. Deep cover had paid off, and she was activated. Her orders from Tesni Defense were clear: Warn them first, sabotage the attack, then extract herself before the response. She had to send the warning, but Celek was in her way.

She pulled the knife from her uniform piled beside the bed. When he hung up and settled on his back, she threw the covers off and straddled him, holding the knife behind her. Her heart pounded

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This revision is 3400 words long

quote:

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The phone call woke them in the middle of the night. Meglat lay there waiting while General Celek answered and listened.
“There’s no sign from Tesne that the attack fleet has been detected. Move on to Phase 3 at stealth speed,” he said.

Meglat’s orders were to report a warning first, then to degrade the attack, then to extract herself before the Tesne retaliated. Her next step would do more to degrade the attack. It was out of sequence, but she would need the time to make her report.

She pulled the knife from her uniform piled beside the bed. When Celek hung up and settled on his back, she threw the covers off and straddled him. Her heartbeat spiked and pounded in her chest even more than when he had been on her. They said it would get easier and it had, but only relatively.

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I'm confused. The first line puts these two characters together. The second line sounds like this is General Celek talking about the Tesne, making it sound like he is not one of them. The 3rd line about Meglat's orders imply she is spying on/attacking the Tesne. But then she attacks the general, who has already been established as not being part of the Tesne. So either she is acting on her own, against orders, or I am not able to figure out who is who and on what side.

So right now I'm so confused, I don't think I would read on.

Meglat lay there waiting – is unclear. I have to figure for myself she’s lying awake. I know, it’s supposed to be obvious but it’s too soon. A simple “lay beside him” would help. I mean, are they in bed together? If it woke “them both” were they having sex or were they in separate beds or what? The “there” unclear also. You are assuming too much.

Tesne is too unclear. Who or what is that? And whose attack fleet has been “detected?” Is it the General’s or his enemy’s? Say “our” or “their” and maybe I’ll know more. Also, is that a reaction? A simple “then there’s no sign…” would help;

The rest now is nit picks, what bothers me probably won't bother anyone else.

The phone call woke them in the middle of the night. Unless she has done this before, I doubt she would be sleeping. If she has done this before, she doesn't seem to have any concern for herself of what's going on. Why is the phone ringing? Did they figure her out? No tension. Meglat lay there waiting while General Celek answered and listened.

“There’s no sign from Tesne that the attack fleet has been detected. Move on to Phase 3 at stealth speed,” he said. I don't think the general, who is in bed, is going to be telling anyone that the attack formation hasn't been detected. Things like this change from second to second. Someone might be telling him this, but not the other way around.

Meglat’s orders From the Tesne High Command (or something) were to warn Tesne first, then to degrade? the attack, then to extract herself before the Tesne retaliated. Her next step would do more to degrade the attack. It was out of sequence, but she would need the time to make her report. I'm not sure you need this here. It's clunky. I'd do something like, "Events were happening to fast for her to give a warning so she had to move straight to degrading the attack." Or something.

She pulled the knife from her uniform piled beside the bed. When Celek hung up and settled on his back, she threw the covers off and straddled him. That's good Her heartbeat spiked Heartbeat's don't spike. Heart rate's can spike. and pounded in her chest even more than when he had been on her. They said it would get easier and it had, but only relatively. This last sentence is the first that I'm seeing that she is not a professional assasin. Move the emotional conflict earlier. You could even start with "Meglat's eyes flew open at the sound of the phone. Had she been figured out? Had she been caught? Her blood thundered in her ears with every heartbeat......"

(I would add something about how his face looked when he listened since "tell them that"...is pretty vague.)“Then tell them that. Tesne hasn’t detected the attack, so our fleet can move on to Phase 3 at stealth speed,” he said.

Meglat thought through her orders from Tesne Defense: Warn them first, (take out then) then sabotage the attack, then extract herself before the retaliation. Her next step would impede the Utok attack. It was out of sequence, but would give her time to make her report.

She pulled the knife from her uniform piled beside the bed. When Celek hung up and settled on his back, she threw the covers off and straddled him. Her heart pounded in her chest even more than when he had been on her. They said it would get easier and it had, but only relatively.

I've always heard from here and other places that you should introduce 'new things' gradually and not throw a whole lot of new things out there at once. It's often said you should not introduce more than one named character in the first 13.

That being said, you've introduced:
Meglat
General Celek
Tesne
Utok

It left me confused because I don't know any of these characters, places, etc....

Meglat lay beside him waiting while General Celek listened and answered.

I don't know who Meglat is yet. Boy, girl, man, woman, alien? Laying beside him in bed.....his wife? Gay lover? It doesn't matter, but I need something to draw the picture in my head.

They were all human and Tesne was far enough from Utok
that they didn’t compete for the same space. It didn’t matter why.
Who was all human? It's unclear? Are they on Earth? Is Tesne on earth or another planet? Is it a planet or a city?

What exactly didn't matter why?

I'm left pretty confused with these sentences.

I kind of see where it's going by the end (at least Meglat's role), but I was confused enough with what's going on that if this were a book opening, I'd not want to continue.

The call woke them in the middle of the night. Meglat lay beside him waiting while General Celek listened and answered (For some reason, the name Meglat makes me think she is a guy. I don't get until later in the first 13 that she is a she. So I start off with the image of two guys in bed together, and that kind of confuses me.). “Then tell them that.(I think breaking the quote here and saying something like "Celek barked," or "Celek answered" would be helpful.) Tesne hasn’t detected the attack, so our fleet can move on to Phase 3 at stealth speed. Priority message.”

Oh, crap. A war. Why? They were all human and Tesne (Tesne confuses me because with names like Meglat and Celek, Tesne could just as easily be another person. I don't find out for another few lines what it is.) was far enough from Utok (Same thing, though Utok definitely makes me think more of a planet.) that they didn’t compete for the same space. It didn’t matter why. (It didn't matter why confuses me also. It's not evident what didn't matter.) An attack was on the way and her deep cover had paid off. She was activated. Meglat thought through her orders from Tesne Defense: Warn them first, sabotage the attack, then extract herself before the retaliation.

She pulled the knife from her uniform piled beside the bed. When Celek hung up and settled on his back, she threw the

Other than the name situation, I like it. I think it's important not to get too confusing with names. Typical names make that easy because they are instantly recognizable, but when you get into the realm of the fantastic it can get a little trickier. I would be happy to read the whole thing.

I am a bit confused that she is expecting extraction, yet so blatantly kills a general... but then that's me. I also find it odd that the general doesn't struggle. Certainly her jumping on his is going to have a wakening affect not matter what the reason.

If she is being activated, why kill the General? Why not keep things going and get even more information to send to her overlords?

I would be happy to read it.