posted
Ok. This is a short story that is a little over 4000 words. It's about the origin of God and religion as a Game conducted by gaseous humanoid adolescents. If anybody is willing to read the whole thing, I would appreciate it.
“Crap. They got her,” Pelan said to Xetu while staring intensely at the screen. “Oh no. She was the one with the plan . . . the idea to turn things our way. Does anybody else know of what she was thinking?” Xetu asked hopefully. “Nope. Without her, there is no way we will be able to come out of this thing on top . . . you will have to go in.” Xetu stared off at the image of the man, beamed out to all the dwellers across the country. He lay on the table comfortably, a plug leading from his head to the wall where the multitude of stages was displayed. One of those displays highlighted their arena. Xetu had already been in once this century—it was fairly rare to go in twice in so short a time.
posted
“Crap. They got her,” Pelan said to Xetu while staring intensely at the screen. - Long Dialogue tags always feel like run on sentences stuffed in at the last moment. Why not just make it a separate sentence: "“Crap. They got her.” Pelan stared at the screen." or something.
“Oh no. She was the one with the plan . . . the idea to turn things our way. Does anybody else know of what she was thinking?” Xetu asked hopefully. - These lines are pretty awkward, especially the "know of what she was thinking" part. I would cut the "Xetu asked hopefully" for it's adverb, and because you don't need to tell us she's hoping. Also, just saying "her" over and over again feels like withholding. Give us "her" name.
“Nope. Without her, there is no way we will be able to come out of this thing on top . . . you will have to go in.” - This can be trimmed a lot. eg. "Pelan turned to Xetu. 'No. Without her we can't win. You have to go in.'" or something.
Xetu stared off at the image of the man, beamed out to all the dwellers across the country. He lay on the table comfortably, a plug leading from his head to the wall where the multitude of stages was displayed. One of those displays highlighted their arena. - I get lost here. A man? I thought he was looking at a woman? If it's a woman character playing a man human, you should say so. Again, a name would be helpful. All the arena, displays stuff gets lost because I dont have my bearings.
Xetu had already been in once this century—it was fairly rare to go in twice in so short a time. - Good to know.
There is a hook here, but I feel as if I should know much more than I do. Lack of names, lack of setting orientation are contributing to this. I think you have a cool idea, but I wouldn't have known that from this opening. Hope some of that helps.
“Crap. They got her,” Pelan stared intensely at the screen with a furrowed brow. “That’s no good. She was the one with the plan. Does anybody else know it?” Xetu asked. “Nope. Without her, there is no way we will be successful . . . you will have to go in.” Xetu looked away from the image of Thenasal on the screen in front of him. It was only one of many screens; the room was covered with them. He looked up at the ceiling and stared at the image of a man, beamed out to all the dwellers across the country. He lay on the table comfortably, a plug leading from his head to the outlet in the wall. Screens surrounded him as well, each one displaying a command center.
posted
Why do you think you need the “with a furrowed brow” bit? It doesn't convey any information that a little punctuation could better. It gets in the way because I was focused on the story and while you could break off for some character description, this is too little and too vague. Better let me form some ideas of my own while you get the story rolling -- in this particular opening as you have written it.
Of course, that's MY opinion.
To me – personal opinion – The second paragraph goes too long before you identify the speaker. Further on, once we know the cast, you can do that, but here - ????
For clarity wouldn’t this be better?
“That’s no good,” said Xetu. “She was the one with the plan. Does anybody else know it?”
Naming Xetu is not as important after doing it as continuing with the story.
Naming Thenasal here is a tad bit confusing. I had to drop out of the story and think that that MUST be the her who was gotten.
Clarity would be better if you named her in the first paragraph.
“Crap! They got Thenasal.” Pelan …. Then we can assume the "She" was the one with the plan is Thenasal as well as the image on the screen being the "her" and "she" mentioned before. Clarity.
“…he lay on the table ..” confusing. Who is the “he?” Is it Xetu? Or is it the man just introduced without a clear segue to the story? And – to me – the comma there “of a man, beamed out” is jarring. Do you mean the image of the man is BEING AT THAT MOMENT beamed out, the man…which man? The one whose image is ON the ceiling (somehow???) Or is Xetu lying on the table staring at the image of a man on the ceiling and the video of Xetu lying there staring is being beamed out????
Yeah – for me – this is where the whole thing gets hopelessly lost. Who is the man on the ceiling? Who is lying on the table? Who has the plugs in his head?
“Oh no. She was the one with the plan . . . the idea to turn things our way.
“Nope. Without her, there is no way we will be able to come out of this thing on top . . ..”
There are some interesting ideas nestled in there, but for gaseous humanoids (even adolescent ones)they speak in a fairly slangy and casual fashion.
I realize there no set way to impart alien tone, but when I read very informal contemporary words/expressions like "Nope" "Crap" and "Oh no" it roots it very much in the mundane. I'm not sure if that suits the story motif.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
