posted
The hero crawled out of the mouth of the cave, clutching a Golden Fleece damp with blue green slime to his heaving chest. Theseus had stabbed the Minotaur. It was still howling. While the monster was distracted in its anguish, he had snatched the gut-besotted fleece from the monster’s dank and moldy bedding.
Sprawling upon the ground outside the mouth of the cave, an arrow embedded all the way up to the fletch sticking out of her stomach, a young lady was dying. She wore a lilac colored tunic now stained red. Theseus knelt and covered her in the fleece, watching with ecstatic relief as ruddy life slowly filled her cheeks.
A small light flashed upon a nearby outbreak of rocks, and on the largest of the rocks sat a curious, poignantly intelligent
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 05, 2009).]
The hero Just tell us who it is crawled out of the mouth of the cave, clutching a Golden Fleece damp with blue green slime to his heaving chest. Theseus had stabbed the Minotaur. It was still howling. This seems passive, I'd do somthing like 'Theseus could still hear it howling' While the monster was distracted in its anguish, he had snatched the gut-besotted fleece from the monster’s dank and moldy bedding. I would also rearrange this sentence to put the action first, 'He snatched the gut-besotted fleece from the monster's dank and moldy bedding while it was distracted in it's anguish.' Sprawling upon the ground outside the mouth of the cave, an arrow embedded all the way up to the fletch sticking out of her stomach, a young lady was dying. If Theseus knows who this is, we should know also. I'd also rearrange this sentence or break it up She wore a lilac colored tunic now stained red. Theseus knelt and covered her in the fleece, watching with ecstatic relief as ruddy life slowly filled her cheeks.
A small light flashed upon a nearby outbreak of rocks, and on the largest of the rocks sat a curious, poignantly intelligent figure whose winged sandals adorned doll-like feet and whose articulated, agile fingers held a curious, entwining staff of golden serpents.
As the title suggests, this is just another hero story. I haven't seen anything to make it distinct from anything else out there, so unless something happened really quickly, like in the next paragraph, I would stop reading.
posted
It's less than two pages. Would you like to read the rest. And I'll work on the opening prior to sending it.
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posted
I guess I'm left confused by the mixed mythos. It's Theseus, not Jason who is getting the fleece which is now guarded by the Minotaur in a cave. This confusion by itself is not enough to make me read on. And I'm not even sure "the hero" and Theseus are the same people. At first I thought the hero was working in tandem with Theseus. Also, it's a little jumpy--the last paragraph in particular, we're suddenly directed to some far away point.
Ultimately, there's not much here to evoke character or story--in fact, it seems like in many ways a story has already passed. The writing is a little awkward. I would not turn the page.
Thanks for your comments. I intentionally directed the attention to the rocks because that is where the real conflict comes from. And yes, I mixed myths, but thats not really important. There are lots of myths that tell the same the story with different characters, or vice versa. I intentionally invoked both of these hereos. The hero is called theseus. I will consider changing the that if it really distracts you. Incidentally, as this is a very, very short story, you wouldn't have to turn the page.
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