posted
This is a story I just started. I got the opening picture in my head and it grabbed me and insisted that I start writing. Just wondering what you think.
I had finally found it. In the center of the table, within easy arm’s reach, was my salvation. I could’ve taken it by force but there were far too many evil thoughts buzzing around the bar for me to be unnecessarily reckless. Especially when all I had to do was win this hand. My cards lay face down in front of me in a neat stack. I had looked at them once but would not show weakness by looking again. The cards didn’t matter. If I could bluff my way into taking this pot I was golden. The demonic blood in my veins gave me the power to see the cards each player was holding. What it couldn’t tell me was what they were planning to do with them. Without evil intent I could not read thoughts. And towards the cards themselves, no one ever had evil intent.
posted
I think you have an interesting enough idea here, but this opening at the moment felt a little sterile and info-dumpish to me.
You have a good setting--some dude with demonic blood playing a card game, but I never really got an idea of what I'm supposed to be picturing. What kind of bar are we in? Who is he playing against?
I'd maybe prefer a touch of description about the game interspersed with revelations about his powers. At the moment it sounds too distant and vague for the reader to become involved in the game. Maybe something along the lines of "Jimmy had four hearts clutched in his chubby fist, one card from hitting a straight flush. He wasn't hiding his excitement well." Well, not that, but something along those lines might bring the scene to life more.
I think you might be able to cut the opening paragraph for the moment. You have enough of a hook with the MC himself, and you might be able to slip the salvation in shortly after the opening 13 as you're developing the scene.
Good luck with it, I'll be interested to see how it turns out once you finish it.
posted
I know I'm sometimes sparse on description the first time through. Thank you for pointing it out monstewer. I will work on it, but I may elect to finish the story first and then go back.
Then again, if inspiration strikes or the coffee kicks in, you might see a revised version in the next couple of days.
posted
Very interesting beginning. There is enough here to mak me want to read more. The first question I have is Why would a demon need to win a game of poker? I would assume that the answer would be forthcoming in the next few paragraphs. It's a good enough idea to make me want to see more.
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