posted
Experiment: this is a story that I haven't written the ending to; I don't think I'm satisfied with the options I've come up with. It's an R-language story. I would welcome any form of criticism on this, but my main reason for posting it here is to see if anyone would like to volunteer to read to it with an eye to a few specific things. Foremost: Where do you have the impression it's going? Where else might it be cool for the story to go? The secondary thing, I'll actually include as a question at the end of the attached manuscript, as it's one of those things better asked afterward. Not sure if anyone would be up for this.... But it's only 1100 words at the moment. Comments and criticisms on the first 13 would also be helpful. Thanks, kids.
quote:Drifts into a dream where he's in a Chinese restaurant -- but he's not. Blinks hard, rubs fists into his eyes like a little kid. He goes, "Unh."
"Tommy," _____
And then he's on a boat,
(Tommy Tommy T --)
touching the belly of a girl in a blue bikini. She looks down at him and smiles. She pulls on his hair with her fingers -- not hard. Affectionately. She's a blonde, this girl. Sunlight shines on her shoulders, accentuates the shape of bones beneath her skin. He puts his face against her belly.
posted
I'm unsure on what person the narrative is supposed to be in. The non-dialogue bits actually read more like screen direction, than prose. Was that a stylistic choice?
Posts: 16 | Registered: Aug 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
I'm not 100% sure what you mean. It's in third person. The drifting fragmented style is meant to convey a dream-like state.
Posts: 214 | Registered: Jun 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
The last line of your fragment got a chuckle out of me. I would have read on to see what you were going to do simply out of the novelty of the prose.
The dropped pronouns in the opening two sentences grated a little for me (like, why drop the first two but not the third) but then again, I think it got my attention.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
