Mike was hungry, thirsty and nearly exhausted. He had been driving through the bleak desert for days, alone with the sun and the sand and the swelter. His eyes were gritty, his mind thick and hot. He needed food, rest and perhaps a place to reconnect. He hadn’t seen or spoken to anyone in days.
He sighted buildings on either side of the road ahead and his spirits lifted. He sped up a little, but his excitement died as he entered the small town. It looked deserted. He slowed down, stopped. It wasn’t just that. He felt a chill, like cold metal on his hot skin.
As he looked around him at the empty streets the loneliness and isolation he felt in the desert only intensified, as if he were cut off from everything. He shook himself. To long on the road, not enough sleep.

Version 2

Mike was hungry, thirsty and nearly exhausted. He had been driving through the bleak desert for days, alone with the sun and the sand and the swelter. His eyes felt gritty, his mind thick and hot. He needed food, rest and perhaps a place to reconnect. It’d been days since he last saw or spoke to anyone.
At the sight of buildings on either side of the road ahead his spirits lifted and he accelerated slightly. His excitement died as he entered the small town, however. It looked deserted. He slowed down, stopped. It wasn’t just that. A chill slid over his body, like cold metal against his hot skin.
As he looked around him at the empty streets the loneliness and isolation he felt in the desert only intensified, as if he were cut off from everything. He shook himself. To long on the road, not enough sleep.

The situation sets a mood of loneliness building to frustrating. In other words, there's tension.

Also, you let us know how Mike's feeling and what he wants.

The Bad and The Ugly (or, What Bothered aspirit):

"bleak desert" - Seriously? It's a desert. I think most people assume the desert in a horror is bleak unless the author says otherwise.

"His eyes were gritty" - Why is this passive? Grit in the eyes is actively annoying to the owner of the eyes. I feel like you got lazy here. This could be "Grit rubbed the surface of his eyes raw, though he stopped caring as his hot mind thickened." (By the way, this and the following example aren't necessary good replacements. But if you like them, feel free to use them.)

"He" starts too many sentences, keeping me as the reader from engaging with the story world. You could show more, instead of telling. "He sighted buildings..." could become, "In the distance, buildings rose on either side of the road. His spirits lifted. The car accelerated from the anxious pressure of his foot, but..."

*Edited to Add:
I generally avoid Horror. Hopefully, someone else can squeeze some time into their day to read your story.

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"His eyes were gritty" - Why is this passive?

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It isn't. But I realize many people see anything involving "was" "were" etc as passive. I may well change "were" to "felt" for that reason.

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"He" starts too many sentences, keeping me as the reader from engaging with the story world. You could show more, instead of telling.

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I'm not a believer in "show dont tell" as an absolute axiom (all writing is telling, "showing" is just telling something in a more detailed manner, but its still telling) however there are an awful lot of "he's" and it can probably be reduced by one or two with some slight restructuring without interfering with the voice...

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I generally avoid Horror. Hopefully, someone else can squeeze some time into their day to read your story.

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well like the subject says its not finished yet anyway. I only call it "horror" because its the only genre labels that fit. Some unpleasant things do certainly happen. Its sort of like a cross between Lovecraft's "unknown" type thing and Simon Logan's "industrial" stuff, thats the best way I cand escribe it.

As for my comment that you could show more, I didn't mean to regurgitate the "Show, don't tell" advice. What I meant is that I feel the passage is emotionally shallow. The situation sets the mood, but the writing isn't helping much.

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Sometimes telling contributes to emotional depth, but more often, showing allows a reader to care more.

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I have only a couple of comments take them if they suit your purposes.

It feels (to me) like it may benefit from some re-organising in order to groups similar ideas/concepts together. It also seems ambiguous about his mental state.

For instance:

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Mike was hungry, thirsty and nearly exhausted. (Description of a physical state is clear, but ambiguous about mental state)

He had been driving through the bleak desert for days, alone with the sun and the sand and the swelter. (Description of physical state is clear, but ambiguous about mental state --- does 'alone' mean 'lonely'?)

His eyes felt gritty, his mind thick and hot. (Description of physical state is clear, but ambiguous about mental state : does 'mind thick and hot' mean his head, his brain or the 'seat' of conciousness?)

He needed food, rest and perhaps a place to reconnect. It’d been days since he last saw or spoke to anyone. (Description of physical state is clear, but ambiguous about mental state because he 'perhaps' needs a 'place' to reconnect, not to reconnect itself. This indicates, to me, that he does not need to reconnect only needs the opportunity to, the choice.)

At the sight of buildings on either side of the road ahead his spirits lifted and he accelerated slightly. (I did not know that his spirits were 'down'so I was confused about his mental state.)

His excitement died as he entered the small town, however. It looked deserted. He slowed down, stopped. It wasn’t just that. A chill slid over his body, like cold metal against his hot skin.
As he looked around him at the empty streets the loneliness and isolation he felt in the desert only intensified, as if he were cut off from everything. He shook himself. Too long on the road, not enough sleep. (Intense isolation he felt in the desert was not something I really picked up on, sorry, it was more like 'perhaps it would be nice to talk to someone after a few days on the road.

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Maybe describe his physical and mental states separately or be direct : he is hot, hungry, tired, lonely and getting worse. Otherwise the reader is left a little confused by the multitude of interpretations possible from the interaction of of various ambiguous words and phrases: nearly exhausted, his mind, perhaps a place to reconnect, he shook himself.

I think it is all there, just needs a bit of re-organising.

BTW: I like the style of writing, the rhythm and cadence. I like the variation of length and pace and I like your choice of simple, important words like 'swelter' which, in this context, evokes in me a sense of sweaty legs on vinyl upholstery.

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Maybe describe his physical and mental states separately or be direct : he is hot, hungry, tired, lonely and getting worse. Otherwise the reader is left a little confused by the multitude of interpretations possible from the interaction of of various ambiguous words and phrases: nearly exhausted, his mind, perhaps a place to reconnect, he shook himself.

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So your more or less saying directly tell the reader his emotional state. Its interesting since I've been involved in an ongoing cross-site-and-medium debate on whether emotions should be "told" or "shown." As you say trying to "show" them can create ambiguity, but "telling" them leaves some people feeling a lack of immersion and specificity.

Although general debate aside, within the context of my "rusty" stories emotional ambiguity is some times intentional.

For the record when I say "mind" it pretty much always refers to conciousness.

Thanks for the comments you raise some interesting thoughts.

Like all clichés, it is generally correct, that's why it rings-true.

But, IMO, it is a guide. Do it -- usually do it -- but be aware of cases where there is a valid reason not to. (Pretty much sums up my feelings on the 'curiosity as motivator' thread you started, too.)

For instance, describing a state will invariably slow the pace.
Pace is so important and it has to serve to increase the communication value of the passage.

If you want a section to meander, or want to build tension about imminent happenings, slow it down.

ie let's say we know there is a bomb in the guy's car and it's about to explode, he pulls up in a ghost town:

To build a sense of action have him get out of the car and have the bomb explode. Use short, sharp sentences to mimic the action.

To build suspense, describe what he sees, have him turn off the radio, stretch, look around, check the glove-box for a roadmap wonder whether his wife is worried... all the time, we know the bomb is ticking. SUspend the reader between two possibilities for as long as you dare.

Anyway that's my 2c, which, of course, is an Australian 2c which currently equates to about US 1.68c.

My two little cents are gonna be that sometimes to many adjectives can be overwhelming when placed next to each other.

Perhaps "Mike was nearly exhusted....." might grab the reader more. Sometimes less is more. (I read that in Mr. Cards book lol)

Or spread it out a bit. eg. "Mike was nearly exhusted, his hungry eyes scanned for any sign of food or even water as he drove along....." Something like that.

Anyway I like it, would love to read more. Hope I helped more than hurt.

The short version: I'm late to this party, but here's my two cents: I really like the staccato style, and how you've woven the mood in with the straightforward description of action/plot.

I'd like to read the whole thing.