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I swirled my bourbon and sat waiting at the bar. Outside, the night was cold. It was the kind of cold that’ll seep in under your skin and settle into your bones like a parasite, content in annoying the hell out of you. I tried telling myself the only remedy was a stiff drink, but my conscience scoffed at the excuse; a film of Vinny had been playing through my head all day and booze had been the soundtrack.
I downed my drink (here’s to you Vinny) and pushed the glass over to the bartender. He filled it up again without looking up at me. I let the glass sit and glanced at the crumpled piece of paper next to it that had been under the windshield wiper of my car that morning. No need to unravel it, I knew the letters printed on it word for word.

quote:

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I swirled my bourbon and sat waiting at the bar. Outside, the night was cold. It was the kind of cold that’ll seep in under your skin and settle into your bones like a parasite, content in annoying the hell out of you. I tried telling myself the only remedy was a stiff drink, but my conscience scoffed at the excuse; a film of Vinny had been playing through my head all day and booze had been the soundtrack.
I downed my drink (here’s to you Vinny) and pushed the glass over to the bartender. He filled it up again without looking up at me. I let the glass sit and glanced at the crumpled piece of paper next to it that had been under the windshield wiper of my car that morning. No need to unravel it, I knew the letters printed on it word for word.

11:30 PINTY’S ON 43rd ST. – I KNOW ABOUT MALHAVEN

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Voice is very good for noir style and nothing would turn me off from reading further; very smooth. I do think it can be very easy to accidentally slip into parody with this style of writing but I haven’t seen it in the opening 13.

Very minor nits that mostly fall under personal preference (I agree with Denem’s trims btw):

quote:

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I swirled my bourbon and sat waiting at the bar. Outside, the night was the kind of cold that seeped in under your skin and settled into your bones (suggested trim…the simile didn’t feel strong enough for me because I think of a parasite as something that itches rather than produces the same sensation as extreme cold. The imagery produced contradicted what I thought you were trying to say. It might be perfect for someone else though). I tried telling myself the only remedy was a stiff drink, but my conscience scoffed at the excuse; a film of Vinny had been playing through my head all day and booze had been the soundtrack. (very nice)
I downed my drink (here’s to you Vinny) and pushed the glass to the bartender. He filled it up without looking at me (suggested trim…the “again” is implied by the fact the protag has emptied it). I let the glass sit and glanced at the crumpled piece of paper next to it that had been under the windshield wiper of my car that morning (personally, I’d break this sentence into two…one element to say that the paper was next to the glass, then the next to say he’d found it this morning). No need to unravel (is “unravel” the right word? This implies to me that the paper is like a knot. Perhaps “unfold” is better, though it didn’t disturb me either way) it; I knew it word for word (suggested trim as we can imply that writing is made up of letters…mind you, this might take away voice).

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Regards,

This phrase pulled me out: "content in annoying the hell out of you". I don't know if its the personification of cold, or the idea that a parasite (or cold) would feel content, or the word "you". (Maybe its just me.)

Who is Vinny? I think there's a popular culture reference that I'm missing.

I have to agree, the "parasite" line does seem a bit over the top and forced. I'll try to rewrite.

anderson - I don't think I would classify it as either, just a fiction piece.