posted
A bank of the florescent subway lights flickered and died. It was only one of a row of lights, but even so the three men sitting in the car felt its absence. They each sat as far apart from one another as possible, engrossed in their own private worlds. Only two of them noticed a fourth man enter the car, wearing a dark blue uniform and carrying a clipboard. The two alert men assumed he had come for their tickets and set about fishing through pockets. In their haste, they did not notice that the man had seven fingers on each hand and that his uniform did not match. It bore only single piece of insignia—a bright green patch which read R.I.P. Some might have mistaken this particular messenger for the
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 12, 2009).]
posted
A few comments: Ok, so you have three guys on the subway. Which one is the POV character?
My experience with subway cars is that they are not all that spacious and if there are only three of them on it, a fourth person entering would probably not go unnoticed. Perhaps if you just said he ignored the guy, it might seem a little more believable.
Along the same lines of not noticing things, depending on who your POV character is, if they don't notice the seven fingers on his hands, why mention it?
One last thing, and I learned this myself since joining this forum (I still catch myself making this mistake too) I hope we're going to be getting a sense of what these guys look like real soon and maybe even a name or two. If these guys are important characters, let us get to know them early.
I think you have the start of something real good here, with a good atmosphere. I just think you need to pick a character and go from their point of view. The guy with the seven fingers is a good hook. I want to know more about him.
I hope this helps. Good luck
[This message has been edited by Denem (edited September 12, 2009).]
quote:A bank of the florescent subway lights flickered and died. It was only one [bank] of a row of lights, but even so[,] the three men sitting in the car felt its absence.
Because you have chosen to speak in numbers rather than names and descriptions (one, three, two, fourth, two, seven) it almost reads like a math problem about the passengers on the train: 4 get on, 2 get off, 7 get on, 3 get off... What time did the conductor go home?
At this point I'm not sure I'd read further. I agree with Denem - you need to have a POV character. Right now I don't know who the story is about, so I don't have anything to care about.
I don't have a problem with the 3rd man not noticing the 7-fingered one. He could be at the opposite end of the car, and you've already sid that the 3 men were "engrossed in their own private worlds."
[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited September 12, 2009).]
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